The day was breezy and warm, and I vividly recall the country air blowing through my car.
Along for the ride was a 13-year-old Caucasian girl.
There was something very different about this trip: I had taken hundreds of children to a new home, and their reactions were all very similar.
"This is stupid...
I hate Children's Services.
I hate foster care.
Just take me home.
I'm not going to be happy here.
"This young woman exposed the dialogue that most likely runs through every child's mind as they approach their new home.
"I'm so scared.
It's almost Mother's Day, and I don't even know her yet.
Can we stop to get her a card just in case I like her?What if they don't like me? What if I get on their nerves?I'm nervous that I won't know what to say.
What if they think I'm stupid?"The difference between this young lady and every other child was that she had not yet detached herself.
She was still emotionally plugged into this shockingly traumatic ride through life.
Once children have been in "the system" for any length of time, they learn to lock up their vulnerabilities.
They must carefully hold their cards so that they cannot be easily victimized.
My reaction to children's negative attitude toward foster care has taken a drastic turn since I started working in "the system" at the tender age of 22.
I remember the naiveté that came along with growing up in a world of happy endings.
I had been protected from the vicious and cut-throat world that we live in.
As a result, I strived to convince all of my children that things would work out for the best.
This was all happening for a reason that we don't understand, is being controlled by someone much larger and more powerful than ourselves.
I offered them comfort, while inadvertently denying the reality of the situation.
Since the beginning, my approach has changed to one that validates their feelings and addresses their fears.
I will no longer utter the words "You will be safe here" as I take a child to their new home.
There are no guarantees, and the last thing that these children need are more broken promises.
Instead, I say "Here are the things that foster parents can and cannot do.
If they are doing something that they are not supposed to, please call me and I will address it".
While this may seem like a set-up for foster parents, I would prefer to investigate a million false allegations than to make a child feel that it is OK for them to be victimized in the system claiming to protect them.
The reality is that it happens...
a lot.
Over the past eight years, I have heard of hundreds of cases of abuse in foster care, varying widely in degree.
The reality of the situation is this...
foster care provides a lifeline for some children who may never experience the love of a family.
For others, they are again victimized by adults.
How they eventually enter adulthood depends upon one very thing...
whether or not someone has truly connected with them.
Without a true connection, these children are just as lost as the generations before them- their compass is still pointing in the wrong direction.
A connection with another adult may help to balance the compass and help them to explore their morals and values more completely.
The point is this...
these children are not to be forgotten:They entered the world as the rest of us did: Unfortunately, their parents were inadequately prepared for the task ahead, and need someone to substitute to "make up" for their shortcomings.
Foster parents can make a tremendous difference in the life of a child, and this is the key- truly forming a connection with them.
That is where you should put all your efforts to make a lasting life-long difference in the lives of your foster children.