Courage is One Breath at a Time, One Foot in Front of the Other
When it was time for my hysterectomy last year to remove my uterine cancer, I walked into the hospital trembling like a dog walking into the vets.
I put one foot in front of the other, took one step at a time, one breath at a time, and I got through it! I've always been afraid of hospitals and surgery.
But I did it -- I am braver than I thought! Cancer has been one of my worst fears.
Over the years I've performed a multitude of anti-cancer rituals, like taking vitamin D, wearing sunscreen, and eating broccoli, trying to keep cancer at bay.
It's as if I've been tiptoeing around a sleeping beast, trying not to wake it.
Yet despite my best efforts, the beast awakened.
We humans are so funny -- we actually think we can control these things! In early childhood I had a recurring dream: I was walking into a field with other kids and they wanted to walk into the woods at the edge of the field.
I was afraid of the big bad wolf in the woods, so I didn't go with them.
I lay down on a picnic table in the open field by myself and thought that I was safe; but when I opened my eyes, the wolf was there, right next to me, staring at me with sparkling, flinty eyes! Even as a young child I was struck by the irony of it.
One way I've tried to keep the wolf from my door is by very carefully avoiding x-rays, not even wanting digital dental x-rays.
When I had appendicitis last year I was given a CT scan which has 500 times more radiation than a normal x-ray! That wolf has a way of finding me no matter what I do! I've finally come to a place where I give up, I surrender, I let go of trying to control everything, I stop trying to hide from the big bad wolf.
On my hospital bed pre-op, in a field of awareness, I took deep, slow breaths and faced the wolf.
I got up close and curious about it's sharp teeth and claws.
I looked into its flinty eyes...
and I discovered...
it is really FEAR in wolf's clothing! What I've feared is the biting discomfort of my throat-clutching, heart-pounding, gut-wrenching fear.
FDR was right, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
" The FEAR of the cancer and the operation felt so much worse than the cancer itself.
I decided to face my fear, I sat with it, kept it company, held its hand, feeling compassion for it, allowing it to be there.
I've heard two acronyms for FEAR: one is Feel Everything And Recover.
The other is Forget Everything And Run! These are the different agendas of our ego and our spirit.
Ego wants to run for the hills and be safe.
Spirit wants to fly like an eagle as high as it can go, fully experiencing life, including fear.
When challenges befall me, my ego wails in a Mr.
Bill whine, "Oh Noooooo -- not another learning opportunity!" My spirit says, "Oh Yeah! Another opportunity to grow! Bring it on!" My ego moans, "We are in deep doodoo!" My spirit exalts, "Rich soil!" Ego scolds, "Now we've gone and done it - our fear has drawn the cancer to us!" Spirit exclaims, "Cool, cancer! It will help us come face to face with fear, feel it fully, and make friends with it!" Who knows what our souls are up to; there's so much more going on than meets the eye - WE are so much more.
When faced with the thing I most feared, I found that I had more courage than I ever dreamt possible.
My mind always told me that I'm the biggest scaredy cat in the world.
What I'm actually discovering is that I am someone who has the courage to be present with my worst fears, one breath at a time, one trembling foot in front of the other.
We have more courage and spirit than we know.
When we are tested, we somehow find the strength to soar with the eagles; no longer circling the drain, we are circling the sky! ©Copyright 2010 Janet Jacobsen
I put one foot in front of the other, took one step at a time, one breath at a time, and I got through it! I've always been afraid of hospitals and surgery.
But I did it -- I am braver than I thought! Cancer has been one of my worst fears.
Over the years I've performed a multitude of anti-cancer rituals, like taking vitamin D, wearing sunscreen, and eating broccoli, trying to keep cancer at bay.
It's as if I've been tiptoeing around a sleeping beast, trying not to wake it.
Yet despite my best efforts, the beast awakened.
We humans are so funny -- we actually think we can control these things! In early childhood I had a recurring dream: I was walking into a field with other kids and they wanted to walk into the woods at the edge of the field.
I was afraid of the big bad wolf in the woods, so I didn't go with them.
I lay down on a picnic table in the open field by myself and thought that I was safe; but when I opened my eyes, the wolf was there, right next to me, staring at me with sparkling, flinty eyes! Even as a young child I was struck by the irony of it.
One way I've tried to keep the wolf from my door is by very carefully avoiding x-rays, not even wanting digital dental x-rays.
When I had appendicitis last year I was given a CT scan which has 500 times more radiation than a normal x-ray! That wolf has a way of finding me no matter what I do! I've finally come to a place where I give up, I surrender, I let go of trying to control everything, I stop trying to hide from the big bad wolf.
On my hospital bed pre-op, in a field of awareness, I took deep, slow breaths and faced the wolf.
I got up close and curious about it's sharp teeth and claws.
I looked into its flinty eyes...
and I discovered...
it is really FEAR in wolf's clothing! What I've feared is the biting discomfort of my throat-clutching, heart-pounding, gut-wrenching fear.
FDR was right, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
" The FEAR of the cancer and the operation felt so much worse than the cancer itself.
I decided to face my fear, I sat with it, kept it company, held its hand, feeling compassion for it, allowing it to be there.
I've heard two acronyms for FEAR: one is Feel Everything And Recover.
The other is Forget Everything And Run! These are the different agendas of our ego and our spirit.
Ego wants to run for the hills and be safe.
Spirit wants to fly like an eagle as high as it can go, fully experiencing life, including fear.
When challenges befall me, my ego wails in a Mr.
Bill whine, "Oh Noooooo -- not another learning opportunity!" My spirit says, "Oh Yeah! Another opportunity to grow! Bring it on!" My ego moans, "We are in deep doodoo!" My spirit exalts, "Rich soil!" Ego scolds, "Now we've gone and done it - our fear has drawn the cancer to us!" Spirit exclaims, "Cool, cancer! It will help us come face to face with fear, feel it fully, and make friends with it!" Who knows what our souls are up to; there's so much more going on than meets the eye - WE are so much more.
When faced with the thing I most feared, I found that I had more courage than I ever dreamt possible.
My mind always told me that I'm the biggest scaredy cat in the world.
What I'm actually discovering is that I am someone who has the courage to be present with my worst fears, one breath at a time, one trembling foot in front of the other.
We have more courage and spirit than we know.
When we are tested, we somehow find the strength to soar with the eagles; no longer circling the drain, we are circling the sky! ©Copyright 2010 Janet Jacobsen
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