The Threesome Shot
Scene: A bar.
Evening.
Low lights.
Soft Music.
Cody: (laughing) Models are paid by weight depending on where how much of it is.
Elle: Ha ha very funny.
I am not bothered by my weight at all, neither do I miss being a model one bit.
Cody: Weight or overweight? Spoken like a true ex-model.
Elle: Matt make him shut up.
Matt: Statistically what he is saying is true.
And given his statistics at making bad jokes, I guess what both of you are saying is true.
Cody: (mockingly) Mr Maths and his statistics.
Tell me what are the stats of a mathematician ever getting some? Elle: (laughing) That does happen.
When I was a model us girls would go out with smart guys once every few months, when we were bored of the jock types.
Matt: (laughing) So you see the statistics would be better than you playing at a sold out show.
Ha ha maybe I should have been a comedian.
Cody: (snidely) And maybe I should have been a mathematician.
Do you know why mathematicians spend all their time trying to find out what 'x' is? That's because till date they cannot believe that a guy could have a girlfriend and ever want to breakup with her.
Thus the mystery of what "ex" is! Elle: (giggling) Speaking of exes I am done with jocks and studs.
Get me a real guy.
I want to meet a normal average guy.
Cody: We are a couple of normal guys.
Or are we average guys Mr Maths? Matt: (laughingly) Given the highs of my nature and the lows of yours, I guess together we can be considered a couple of average guys, Mr Stand up comedian.
Elle: (smilingly) I want normal guys.
If not successful then at least secure and solid guys.
Not emotional d's - one depressed and one despairing.
Come on fellas fish about and help a girl out.
Cody: Hey, when we first met at the driving school you said you thought that I was charming.
Matt: And you said that I was one of the brainiest guys that you ever met.
Why we were almost on the verge of making a date.
Elle: Charming? Yes.
Brainy? Yes.
Emotionally stable? No.
Excess emotional baggage? Yes.
And did we go on that date? No.
Cody: (smugly) She didn't go out with you but she made out with me post the driving test.
Elle: (winking) You know what they say third time's the charm.
How many times has it been now Matt? Matt: More times than I care for.
Elle: Come on Matty it was nothing.
I barely knew this comedian (laughs).
You know how close you and I became when we attended driving school for the second time.
Cody: (tauntingly) And then on your third stint in driving school you met me.
And the threesome was complete.
Which by the way was only my second stint in driving school.
What do you think of that Matty? Matt: Considering that on average everyone on this table has been to driving school at least four times and failed the driving test six times each, I don't think that it's something to brag about.
Elle: (happily) The last time that we were all together in driving school was my best time.
I think that I learned the most then.
Cody: Wo! Check out that guys tattoo.
The colours are superb, the size could have been a bit smaller though for effect.
Elle: (amused) There he goes.
Hopes and dreams.
Hopes and dreams.
Get me a husband.
Cody: (sadly) Us creative ones are like this.
If only the circumstances were right.
I would have made a superb tattoo artist.
Matt: (sympathetically) Every time he says that his pupils dilate and his chest expands a little.
If I didn't know any better I'd venture that he was telling the truth.
Cody: (tauntingly) There he is again, the secret body language reading expert.
If you are so smart why don't you go find out who your father is? (laughs) Elle: Cody Hush! What else can body language tell? Can you use it to find a prospective mate? Matt: (in an offended tone) It is not magic.
It cannot tell you what is not there.
Just what is happening at that time.
And the last time I checked it was rude to tell an orphan to go find his father.
Cody: (laughingly) Orphaned or abandoned? Statistically I believe that there are an equal number of cases of both.
Matt: (irritatedly) Most of the times I have no clue as to why I am friends with you.
Elle: Come on Matty you know how he's just acting out.
All three of us have gone to driving school together more than twice.
Cody: (laughingly) Yes and we like threesomes.
You want to know why we are friends? I will tell you why because I let you come to my shows and study group body language and you help me with images of fractal geometry that I would like to tattoo.
And we both like to think that we hang out with an ex model.
And she likes to hang out with us to find a normal guy for a husband.
Matt: (smilingly) Right.
Elle: Sigh.
You are both emotional nincompoops.
Cody: (laughingly) Nincom poops? What's the big deal in that? I poop.
You poop.
I hope he poops.
Everybody poops.
Elle: Cody.
You both believe that you should be in different professions where you think you would do well and so are not doing well in your current professions.
You are both lost in life.
And that's another reason why I won't go out with either of you.
Matt: We are almost middle aged men.
It's not just a simple matter of changing our professions and so our lives.
I have responsibilities, there are expectations from me.
I want to find my dad.
I know by the way you tilted your head and craned your neck that you mean well when you said that, but still...
Cody: (mockingly) Can you see how my ass burps and my eyes spin about every time you talk about body language.
Give it up Matt.
You are a mathematician and that's what you will always be.
Mr Matthew Mathematician.
Now my pee pee wants to throw up so excuse me guys (leaves).
Elle: (rolling her eyes) Oh brother.
Someone please tell him that there is a difference between being sarcastic and being comedic.
If he is so miserable I wonder why he doesn't just go and become a tattoo artist.
Matt: (seriously) Elle there is something that I want to say to you.
You know that I have been looking for my father.
The search will go on as long as it goes on.
But I don't want to wait until then to start my life.
I mean I am 33 now.
And I know that you too want to get married and have a family.
And I know that you do not want to marry me.
So how about instead of waiting, you and me have a child; you know without getting married.
And I know that I will be a great father because being a great father may fill up my inner void of not having a father.
Elle: (pained) Matthew...
I..
I don't know what to say.
I am sure that you will be a great father and one day maybe even find your own father.
But I am not interested in having a child out of marriage.
I am sorry.
I hope you understand...
Cody: (returning to the table) Why the dead faces? Did you both just realise that you are in love with me? Ha ha Or did she finally pick me over you? Matt: (angrily) Shut up! I am going to get something from the bar (leaves).
Elle: (pleading) Matty wait...
Cody: (in a sad tone) Elle there is something that I want to say to you.
Elle: Cody I am not in the mood for you antics.
Just let me drink.
Cody: (gravely) No Elle.
I am serious.
I want to ask you something.
I have always noticed how you have looked at me.
Elle: (rolling her eyes) Oh brother.
Cody: (gravely) No seriously Elle.
I know what you think.
I know that you want to get married.
And I know that you think I am being a flake in life.
So how about this? We are already friends.
Why don't we get married? You can support us while I go to Tattoo Artist Apprenticeship school it's the only thing that I want.
Then once I learn I will become a serious tattoo artist and start getting money and no longer be a flake.
Both our dreams can come true.
Elle: (laughing) You know Cody that is the best joke that I have heard you make in a long time.
Ha ha The way you screwed up your face and made your tone sound all serious I thought that you were about to say something serious.
Cody: (hurt) Do you know that your perfume smells like headache in a bottle? And also that you are a big fat bitch! Elle: (stunned) Cody...
Matt: (returning to the table, in an apologetic tone) I am sorry for the way I behaved earlier.
I apologise.
Cody: (irritatedly) Shut up! Elle: (irritatedly) Shut up! Let me drink in peace! I thought that hanging out with regular guys would be a lot better than hanging out with jocks.
Boy was I wrong! You are just as bad as them and worst of all not even jocks.
Matt: (angrily) Screw this I am leaving! Cody: (animatedly) Me too.
Elle: (finishing her shot) Yeah me too.
To hell with this! All three walk out of the bar thinking to themselves what a painful life they have and how they have to go on suffering and nothing that they can think or do can change their situation.
They reach near a shared cab and see that a mugger with a gun is beating up the driver.
Mugger: (pointing the gun at them yells) Hands in the air! And don't you dare make a sound (they do as told).
Mugger: Give me your wallets and watches and jewellery (they do as told).
Mugger: Get him out (they remove the driver's unconscious body from the car).
Mugger to Elle: You get in the driver's seat and drive.
You two get in the back.
Elle: (pleading) I don't know how to drive mister.
Mugger: (menacingly) Little princess thinks that she is very smart eh? Cody: (imploringly) She is not a princess.
She is a model.
And she doesn't know how to drive.
(SHOT!) (Cody goes down) Mugger: Who asked you wise guy? Elle: (begging) He is a comedian.
He is not a wise guy.
None of us know how to drive.
(SHOT!) (Elle goes down) Mugger: Who asked you? Mugger to Matt: What are you thinking tough guy? Get in the car and drive! Matt: Sir I am a mathematician not a tough guy.
And I think that considering you need a driver and have already shot the other two, the odds of you shooting me are very minuscule...
(SHOT!) (Matt goes down) Matt: (groaning) Cody did you see his tattoo? It was amazing...
Cody: (groaning) No man I could not concentrate properly.
But he did look like your father...
Matt: (groaning) My Father.
Did that man's features look like mine? I don't know I could not concentrate...
Elle: (groaning) He was normal looking.
From his body language how secure do you think he is in life? Matt: (groaning) I don't care about body language.
I don't care if I don't find my father.
Just get me to a hospital! Awwwwww Cody: (groaning) Forget the tattoo.
I don't care how my creative energies get misdirected.
Just get this bullet out of me! Awwwwww Elle: (groaning) Awwwwww! I don't care how he looked or about jocks and normal guys.
I don't want a husband.
I just want to go back to my life the way it was half an hour ago! Matt: (groaning) Guess sometimes it takes a bullet in your gut to realise what real pain and suffering in life is, as compared to unfulfilled ambitions and pipe dreams!
Evening.
Low lights.
Soft Music.
Cody: (laughing) Models are paid by weight depending on where how much of it is.
Elle: Ha ha very funny.
I am not bothered by my weight at all, neither do I miss being a model one bit.
Cody: Weight or overweight? Spoken like a true ex-model.
Elle: Matt make him shut up.
Matt: Statistically what he is saying is true.
And given his statistics at making bad jokes, I guess what both of you are saying is true.
Cody: (mockingly) Mr Maths and his statistics.
Tell me what are the stats of a mathematician ever getting some? Elle: (laughing) That does happen.
When I was a model us girls would go out with smart guys once every few months, when we were bored of the jock types.
Matt: (laughing) So you see the statistics would be better than you playing at a sold out show.
Ha ha maybe I should have been a comedian.
Cody: (snidely) And maybe I should have been a mathematician.
Do you know why mathematicians spend all their time trying to find out what 'x' is? That's because till date they cannot believe that a guy could have a girlfriend and ever want to breakup with her.
Thus the mystery of what "ex" is! Elle: (giggling) Speaking of exes I am done with jocks and studs.
Get me a real guy.
I want to meet a normal average guy.
Cody: We are a couple of normal guys.
Or are we average guys Mr Maths? Matt: (laughingly) Given the highs of my nature and the lows of yours, I guess together we can be considered a couple of average guys, Mr Stand up comedian.
Elle: (smilingly) I want normal guys.
If not successful then at least secure and solid guys.
Not emotional d's - one depressed and one despairing.
Come on fellas fish about and help a girl out.
Cody: Hey, when we first met at the driving school you said you thought that I was charming.
Matt: And you said that I was one of the brainiest guys that you ever met.
Why we were almost on the verge of making a date.
Elle: Charming? Yes.
Brainy? Yes.
Emotionally stable? No.
Excess emotional baggage? Yes.
And did we go on that date? No.
Cody: (smugly) She didn't go out with you but she made out with me post the driving test.
Elle: (winking) You know what they say third time's the charm.
How many times has it been now Matt? Matt: More times than I care for.
Elle: Come on Matty it was nothing.
I barely knew this comedian (laughs).
You know how close you and I became when we attended driving school for the second time.
Cody: (tauntingly) And then on your third stint in driving school you met me.
And the threesome was complete.
Which by the way was only my second stint in driving school.
What do you think of that Matty? Matt: Considering that on average everyone on this table has been to driving school at least four times and failed the driving test six times each, I don't think that it's something to brag about.
Elle: (happily) The last time that we were all together in driving school was my best time.
I think that I learned the most then.
Cody: Wo! Check out that guys tattoo.
The colours are superb, the size could have been a bit smaller though for effect.
Elle: (amused) There he goes.
Hopes and dreams.
Hopes and dreams.
Get me a husband.
Cody: (sadly) Us creative ones are like this.
If only the circumstances were right.
I would have made a superb tattoo artist.
Matt: (sympathetically) Every time he says that his pupils dilate and his chest expands a little.
If I didn't know any better I'd venture that he was telling the truth.
Cody: (tauntingly) There he is again, the secret body language reading expert.
If you are so smart why don't you go find out who your father is? (laughs) Elle: Cody Hush! What else can body language tell? Can you use it to find a prospective mate? Matt: (in an offended tone) It is not magic.
It cannot tell you what is not there.
Just what is happening at that time.
And the last time I checked it was rude to tell an orphan to go find his father.
Cody: (laughingly) Orphaned or abandoned? Statistically I believe that there are an equal number of cases of both.
Matt: (irritatedly) Most of the times I have no clue as to why I am friends with you.
Elle: Come on Matty you know how he's just acting out.
All three of us have gone to driving school together more than twice.
Cody: (laughingly) Yes and we like threesomes.
You want to know why we are friends? I will tell you why because I let you come to my shows and study group body language and you help me with images of fractal geometry that I would like to tattoo.
And we both like to think that we hang out with an ex model.
And she likes to hang out with us to find a normal guy for a husband.
Matt: (smilingly) Right.
Elle: Sigh.
You are both emotional nincompoops.
Cody: (laughingly) Nincom poops? What's the big deal in that? I poop.
You poop.
I hope he poops.
Everybody poops.
Elle: Cody.
You both believe that you should be in different professions where you think you would do well and so are not doing well in your current professions.
You are both lost in life.
And that's another reason why I won't go out with either of you.
Matt: We are almost middle aged men.
It's not just a simple matter of changing our professions and so our lives.
I have responsibilities, there are expectations from me.
I want to find my dad.
I know by the way you tilted your head and craned your neck that you mean well when you said that, but still...
Cody: (mockingly) Can you see how my ass burps and my eyes spin about every time you talk about body language.
Give it up Matt.
You are a mathematician and that's what you will always be.
Mr Matthew Mathematician.
Now my pee pee wants to throw up so excuse me guys (leaves).
Elle: (rolling her eyes) Oh brother.
Someone please tell him that there is a difference between being sarcastic and being comedic.
If he is so miserable I wonder why he doesn't just go and become a tattoo artist.
Matt: (seriously) Elle there is something that I want to say to you.
You know that I have been looking for my father.
The search will go on as long as it goes on.
But I don't want to wait until then to start my life.
I mean I am 33 now.
And I know that you too want to get married and have a family.
And I know that you do not want to marry me.
So how about instead of waiting, you and me have a child; you know without getting married.
And I know that I will be a great father because being a great father may fill up my inner void of not having a father.
Elle: (pained) Matthew...
I..
I don't know what to say.
I am sure that you will be a great father and one day maybe even find your own father.
But I am not interested in having a child out of marriage.
I am sorry.
I hope you understand...
Cody: (returning to the table) Why the dead faces? Did you both just realise that you are in love with me? Ha ha Or did she finally pick me over you? Matt: (angrily) Shut up! I am going to get something from the bar (leaves).
Elle: (pleading) Matty wait...
Cody: (in a sad tone) Elle there is something that I want to say to you.
Elle: Cody I am not in the mood for you antics.
Just let me drink.
Cody: (gravely) No Elle.
I am serious.
I want to ask you something.
I have always noticed how you have looked at me.
Elle: (rolling her eyes) Oh brother.
Cody: (gravely) No seriously Elle.
I know what you think.
I know that you want to get married.
And I know that you think I am being a flake in life.
So how about this? We are already friends.
Why don't we get married? You can support us while I go to Tattoo Artist Apprenticeship school it's the only thing that I want.
Then once I learn I will become a serious tattoo artist and start getting money and no longer be a flake.
Both our dreams can come true.
Elle: (laughing) You know Cody that is the best joke that I have heard you make in a long time.
Ha ha The way you screwed up your face and made your tone sound all serious I thought that you were about to say something serious.
Cody: (hurt) Do you know that your perfume smells like headache in a bottle? And also that you are a big fat bitch! Elle: (stunned) Cody...
Matt: (returning to the table, in an apologetic tone) I am sorry for the way I behaved earlier.
I apologise.
Cody: (irritatedly) Shut up! Elle: (irritatedly) Shut up! Let me drink in peace! I thought that hanging out with regular guys would be a lot better than hanging out with jocks.
Boy was I wrong! You are just as bad as them and worst of all not even jocks.
Matt: (angrily) Screw this I am leaving! Cody: (animatedly) Me too.
Elle: (finishing her shot) Yeah me too.
To hell with this! All three walk out of the bar thinking to themselves what a painful life they have and how they have to go on suffering and nothing that they can think or do can change their situation.
They reach near a shared cab and see that a mugger with a gun is beating up the driver.
Mugger: (pointing the gun at them yells) Hands in the air! And don't you dare make a sound (they do as told).
Mugger: Give me your wallets and watches and jewellery (they do as told).
Mugger: Get him out (they remove the driver's unconscious body from the car).
Mugger to Elle: You get in the driver's seat and drive.
You two get in the back.
Elle: (pleading) I don't know how to drive mister.
Mugger: (menacingly) Little princess thinks that she is very smart eh? Cody: (imploringly) She is not a princess.
She is a model.
And she doesn't know how to drive.
(SHOT!) (Cody goes down) Mugger: Who asked you wise guy? Elle: (begging) He is a comedian.
He is not a wise guy.
None of us know how to drive.
(SHOT!) (Elle goes down) Mugger: Who asked you? Mugger to Matt: What are you thinking tough guy? Get in the car and drive! Matt: Sir I am a mathematician not a tough guy.
And I think that considering you need a driver and have already shot the other two, the odds of you shooting me are very minuscule...
(SHOT!) (Matt goes down) Matt: (groaning) Cody did you see his tattoo? It was amazing...
Cody: (groaning) No man I could not concentrate properly.
But he did look like your father...
Matt: (groaning) My Father.
Did that man's features look like mine? I don't know I could not concentrate...
Elle: (groaning) He was normal looking.
From his body language how secure do you think he is in life? Matt: (groaning) I don't care about body language.
I don't care if I don't find my father.
Just get me to a hospital! Awwwwww Cody: (groaning) Forget the tattoo.
I don't care how my creative energies get misdirected.
Just get this bullet out of me! Awwwwww Elle: (groaning) Awwwwww! I don't care how he looked or about jocks and normal guys.
I don't want a husband.
I just want to go back to my life the way it was half an hour ago! Matt: (groaning) Guess sometimes it takes a bullet in your gut to realise what real pain and suffering in life is, as compared to unfulfilled ambitions and pipe dreams!
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