Raising children is exciting, fulfilling, and even intimidating at times. Then comes the day when the word €reward€ means a new car, rather than a family trip to Disney World.

An €adult child€ can be your dramatic teenage daughter, your son heading off to college in the fall, perhaps the college graduate you can't find the heart to tell to move out. Whatever your situation, there are millions of parents facing the same daily challenges you are.

It's easy to assume their raw emotions are a product of their fragile development, but as parents, how we react and handle conflicts and confrontations with our children (no matter what their age) can severely damage, even sever, our relationship with them.

Secret to Minimizing Conflicts

In today's Boomer Beat issue, parenting guru and award-winning author Jody Johnston Pawel reveals her foolproof approach for minimizing parenting conflicts. Try this formula and see how it can help you resolve any scenario you find yourself in with your €adult child.€

This Week's Expert Article: Cracking the Parenting Code

All right parents, it's time to get real. We all joke from time to time that the how-to manual for parenting got lost with the stork on its way to our door, but of course, the tell-all handbook is a myth.

Regardless of how many hysterical fits, temper tantrums, or moody days you've seen your child through, rubbing a magic lamp or wishing on a star never resulted in the timely appearance of a much needed, €how-to€ guide for parenting.

So, what are we to do when it feels like our authority is fading, and our children reach the age beyond play dates and time outs? The answer is truly as easy as following a universal plan.

The Parents Toolshop €Universal Blueprint® Relationship Success Formula€ is universal in that you can use it to improve any relationship, with your children, grandchildren, adult children, your spouse, extended family, in business, etc. - If it's a human relationship, using this plan consistently, in its entirety, will improve it and help solve any problem that arises witshin it.

It is also completely customizable to any problem you encounter in those relationships, because the way you answer the questions and choose the tools is specific to that situation, with that person, at that moment.

The coveted secret formula to success can be represented by asking three key questions to figure out what is going on, and then using five simple steps to resolve the problem. Using the five-letter acronym, PASRR (each letter represents one step you should take) will guide you through any scenario to ultimately see your relationships improve!

3 Key Questions

Before taking action in a conflict with your adult child, begin by asking yourself three questions.

Question 1: When problems arise, break them down, by asking, €Is this their problem, or your problem?€ Your problems involve issues such as safety, health, inappropriate behavior, rules, property, rights or values. If the problem is none of these, it is likely their problem. Some examples are school, work, siblings and peers, emotions and relationships.

Begin by asking yourself, €Ultimately, who is responsible for this?€ With adult children, most of their problems are their responsibility unless it involves your safety, health, inappropriate behavior, rules, property, rights or values. If it affects you or others in this way, you have a responsibility to speak up and try to resolve the issue.

Adult children are responsible for their own school, work, emotions, relationships, and responsibilities. It is their responsibility to resolve these problems, and your role is to be supportive to them, provide a listening ear, and guide them through the process of decision making.

Question 2: If there is misbehavior, ask, €Is it unintentional or on purpose?€ Unintentional behavior is a result of absence of skills. Children fail to master skills for a variety of reasons including their age, developmental stage, personality, medical or physical disorders - or if they have not been taught the skill or had enough experience to make it a habit.

Believe it or not, most adult children who still live at home simply haven't mastered the skills to be on their own. Some are practical skills like how to get and hold a job, budget money, do laundry, or cook. Then there are internal skills, like how to self-motivate, resolve interpersonal conflicts, or make responsible decisions. An imbalanced parenting style (see Step One below) will leave adult children lacking in such skills. While these adult children should €know better€ or know what they're €supposed€ to do, they may not have mastered the skills to do so. Trying to develop those skills as an adult is much more difficult than learning step-by-step as a child, with smaller issues.

If a child's behavior is not a result of any of these factors, it is €on purpose.€ They have consistently shown mastery of appropriate behavior, but deliberately misbehave.

Question 3: If the misbehavior is on purpose, ask yourself €What is the purpose?€ This is a multiple-choice question with four possible answers: children want Attention, Power, Revenge, or they are Giving Up.

Possible reasons or goals for seeking attention may be to feel a sense of belonging, or to feel they are important or accepted. Children seek power to be in control of their own lives or destiny. Revenge comes from seeking fairness or justice for a wrongdoing. However, children give up due to discouragement, and therefore withdraw.

Figure out what the child gets from the behavior, then show them how to achieve that with the appropriate behavior. If adult children don't know how to meet these goals through positive behavior, they will become discouraged and resort to negative behavior to achieve them. If you react and give the misbehavior a payoff, or escalate things, you'll have a hard time undoing it later.

Follow These Easy Steps

Now that you've assessed the situation by asking yourself the three key questions, it is time to address the conflict by following PASRR.

Step 1. Prevent the problem from starting or worsening.

Consider that many problems with adult children are a long-term consequence of imbalanced parenting, and push yourself to strive for a €balanced approach.€ If acting too permissive, over-indulgent, or uninvolved, the result may be your child's lacking the ability to become independent or manage their own problems. These problems can include children expecting parents to continue supporting them, €running wild€ like teens that never grew up, or having no motivation to become an adult.

If a parent has been too harsh and punitive, adult children may be rebelling against this control, €going wild€ after leaving home, because they finally can, and therefore get into trouble. They might also be so disempowered by having someone else controlling their lives that they grow up neglecting development of their own crucial decision-making skills. On the other hand, they might be fearful of their parents, therefore resulting in their ability to confide in them unless faced with serious trouble.

Making sure to take a balanced approach at all times is crucial; however it's important to remember that even parents who have been very €balanced€ and have seemingly done €everything right€ can have adult children who make poor decisions, simply because they have free will and can make mistakes.

Step 2: Acknowledge the child's feelings or perspective about the problem before you say anything about your own.

Really listen to children, and ask questions that help them figure out - on their own - a solution they can try.

Consider first the consequences of imbalanced parenting. Allowing children to express themselves prior to making comments or judgment can help them to increase trust in your r