Christmas is fast approaching and 'Your better half has been dropping hints for weeks. Not that you've taken much notice so far. Whether you're meticulously prepared or on a desperate Christmas Eve hunt for the perfect gift [http://www.boonspace.com/], please (really!) take heed of our comprehensive list and don't buy anything on it...unless you fancy spending New Year alone!

1. Ironing board - I can imagine it now...'wow this box is huge it must be something cool...oh...' This is likely to quickly descend into mindless violence.

2. A Vacuum Cleaner - There's nothing worse for a woman than to wake up on Christmas day with a Hoover - just don't even consider doing it.

3. Petrol/Gas Station Present - Although the classic 11.59pm-on-Christmas-Eve-dash to the local Shell garage seems like a good idea in practice, it probably won't seem that way when you have your other half violently inserting your carefully planned purchases into...

4. Bathroom Scales - 'Wow darling you are looking overweight this Christmas! Here you go, take these scales and you will be sure to lose some of those extra pounds by next year...SMILE!' You wouldn't say it in words, so please don't say it with gifts!

5. A Playstation 3 - Gentlemen - you have to understand one thing - girls don't care about video games (even the ones aimed at girls).

6. Gym membership - You may think there's a lot of 'anti-telling your girlfriend she is overweight' points on this list, but you might be surprised at how important this is - hence the heavily emphasised point.
Besides, do you really want your missus hanging around with a load of toned, attractive men?

7. James Bond Boxset - Women see action films as something to use to keep men quiet, out of their way, and occasionally as a method of manipulation - one thing they do not see them as, is a form of entertainment.

8. Self Help Books - There's a time and a place for letting someone know you think they are 'mental' and Christmas is neither that time nor place.

9. A Cookbook - However much you want to keep your wife at home cooking and cleaning for you long into the future, a cookbook is unlikely to bring out the domestic goddess in her - more likely the domestic testicle remover.

10. Apron/Washing up gloves - Not even as a joke is this good idea.

11. Novelty gifts/tack - however much that 'HILARIOUS' novelty item you saw on eBay made you pee a little when you saw it - it is unlikely to have a similar effect on your female friend when she discovers it on Christmas morning.

12. Staines Travelodge trip - A trip to a cheap hotel just off junction 13 of the M25 isn't going to get anyone too passionate about anything. This is a sure-fire method to depress someone on what should be the least depressing day of the year. Nothing against Staines by the way, but it is hardly Paris or New York, is it?

13. Anything you won, got for free or were given to you before - it goes without saying that your significant other is going to know if your 'thoughtful gift' is in fact something you have acquired previously without the exchange of money. Especially important to note here, never ever give her back something which she previously gave to you as a present.

14. Crotchless and tasteless underwear - in a garish shade of red - Honestly, it won't inspire her cheeky side as much as you probably think it will.

15. Anti-wrinkle cream - goes without saying really.