Dick Cheney Jokes
"Big news coming out of Washington, Dick Cheney will be running again for vice president. He says he is very healthy and that he has a doctor watching him 24 hours a day. This is a big improvement, it used to be a coroner." -David Letterman
"As Cheney told CNN, he has been 100 percent heart attack free since ascending to the vice presidency. He added, 'In fact, rather than giving me stress, being vice president has actually fueled my blackened soul, allowing me to gorge vampire-like on the bloody nectar of unlimited power.' I'm sorry that should have read 'I never felt better.'" -Jon Stewart, on Dick Cheney's insistence that he is the picture of health
"Vice President Dick Cheney has given another speech linking Saddam Hussein with the terrorist attacks of 9/11.
Didn't President Bush say Saddam Hussein has nothing to do with the terrorist attacks? Here's my question, what if it turns out that Dick Cheney is the dumb one?" -Jay Leno
"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Vice President Cheney continues his whirlwind 11-nation middle eastern tour designed to bring America's anti-terror message to the region. That message: Help us fight terror or ...Is that oil?" -Jon Stewart
"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick." -Conan O'Brien
"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings.
This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on." -Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney is currently out in South Dakota on a three-day hunting trip. What better place for a man who has had four heart attacks than to be carrying a big gun and a backpack through the snow looking for red meat." -Jay Leno
"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies" -Jay Leno
"President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him." -Jay Leno
"President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes." -Jay Leno
"Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all-beef dinners? Why don't they get some snow for him to shovel while he's out there, too?" -Jay Leno
"Here's your tax dollars at work. We are supposed to be conserving energy. The navy is now being asked to pay the electric bill for Vice President Dick Cheney's house in Washington, the Naval Observatory. They are asking us, the taxpayers, to pay the bill. You now how much it is? It is $186,000 a year! How many times are they shocking him back to life? There are two people that live in the house! What, are he and Bush electrocuting guys in the basement now?" -Jay Leno
"Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney came down with laryngitis so his wife had to deliver a speech for him. After the speech, Cheney's wife had to spend the rest of the day telling President Bush what to do." -Conan O'Brien
"In an interview with CNN this week, Dick Cheney said he may need more heart surgery. Cheney says his doctors have advised him to cut out all red meat, avoid stress and drop the extra 175 pounds (Bush picture on screen) that have been weighing him down." -Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in office. It's a big milestone for him, surpassed all expectations. In fact, so has Dick Cheney. Cheney was only supposed to make it to day 73." -Jay Leno
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
"As Cheney told CNN, he has been 100 percent heart attack free since ascending to the vice presidency. He added, 'In fact, rather than giving me stress, being vice president has actually fueled my blackened soul, allowing me to gorge vampire-like on the bloody nectar of unlimited power.' I'm sorry that should have read 'I never felt better.'" -Jon Stewart, on Dick Cheney's insistence that he is the picture of health
"Vice President Dick Cheney has given another speech linking Saddam Hussein with the terrorist attacks of 9/11.
Didn't President Bush say Saddam Hussein has nothing to do with the terrorist attacks? Here's my question, what if it turns out that Dick Cheney is the dumb one?" -Jay Leno
"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Vice President Cheney continues his whirlwind 11-nation middle eastern tour designed to bring America's anti-terror message to the region. That message: Help us fight terror or ...Is that oil?" -Jon Stewart
"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick." -Conan O'Brien
"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings.
This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on." -Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney is currently out in South Dakota on a three-day hunting trip. What better place for a man who has had four heart attacks than to be carrying a big gun and a backpack through the snow looking for red meat." -Jay Leno
"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies" -Jay Leno
"President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him." -Jay Leno
"President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes." -Jay Leno
"Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all-beef dinners? Why don't they get some snow for him to shovel while he's out there, too?" -Jay Leno
"Here's your tax dollars at work. We are supposed to be conserving energy. The navy is now being asked to pay the electric bill for Vice President Dick Cheney's house in Washington, the Naval Observatory. They are asking us, the taxpayers, to pay the bill. You now how much it is? It is $186,000 a year! How many times are they shocking him back to life? There are two people that live in the house! What, are he and Bush electrocuting guys in the basement now?" -Jay Leno
"Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney came down with laryngitis so his wife had to deliver a speech for him. After the speech, Cheney's wife had to spend the rest of the day telling President Bush what to do." -Conan O'Brien
"In an interview with CNN this week, Dick Cheney said he may need more heart surgery. Cheney says his doctors have advised him to cut out all red meat, avoid stress and drop the extra 175 pounds (Bush picture on screen) that have been weighing him down." -Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in office. It's a big milestone for him, surpassed all expectations. In fact, so has Dick Cheney. Cheney was only supposed to make it to day 73." -Jay Leno
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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