As a single parent, it can be difficult to face tough discipline issues alone. And as your kids get older, the challenges become more intimidating. When they were little, you probably knew when they were lying or disobeyed you. But once you enter the teen years, your kids gain a lot more freedom, which may tempt you to spy on your kids: snooping around in their rooms or reading their text messages for more information.

But the question is: should you? Let’s look at both sides of this debate.

Why Invading Your Kids’ Privacy Seems Reasonable

You’re the parent. Enough said. That’s the number-one reason why it seems like a good idea at times to read through your kids’ text messages or search their rooms for signs that they could be in trouble. You’re the authority figure. You pay for that phone; you provide that roof, that room, and everything in it.

Why You Shouldn’t Search Your Kids’ Room

Psychologist Dr. Michael Bradley, author of When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen: The Why, The How and What To Do NOW!, points out that there's more to the debate than your desire for concrete information. Snooping on your kids violates their trust in you. And that damages your relationship -- something that might just be the biggest factor in your child's self-motivation to do the right thing!

In an email interview, Dr. Bradley explained, "Spying on kids who’ve given you no good reason to mistrust and disrespect them is giving them a great reason to mistrust and disrespect you.

And loss of parental trust and respect can be great motivators for bad 'payback' behaviors."

Alternatives to Snooping

Instead of giving in to the temptation to snoop, focus on your relationship. Dr. Bradley points out, "A good parent-child connection is far more powerfully protective than any spyware that the Mission Impossible team could dream up."

So keep investing in your child by spending time together, initiating conversations, and really listening to what he or she has to say. Your attention -- and the connection between you -- is more powerful than you know!

"Teens often tell me that their fear of losing their parent’s respect keeps them from doing crazy things," Dr. Bradley points out. "So work that relationship well, and be sure to tell your kids what your values and beliefs are versus what you expect their values and beliefs to be. Teenagers model very well. They take orders very badly."

Exceptions to the Rule

Every rule has exceptions. So snooping just because you're nervous about raising a teen can work against you. But does that mean you should never read your child's text messages or look through his backpack?

Dr. Bradley points out that there are exceptions. One is when your child first gains access to the internet, a cell phone, or social media. He recommends treating those privileges like the privilege to drive. You begin by modeling it, and then you let them get their "permit," where they're doing the driving (or texting, etc.) while you watch and advise. Dr. Bradley recommends that you, "…supervise, monitor and teach until you think your child is ready to 'solo.'" And then -- just like with driving -- you continue to check in after their doing it on their own, to see how they're doing and to provide guidance where needed.

The other exception is when your child is engaging in behaviors that are dangerous or risky. For example, if your son was caught drinking or smoking at a school event, you don't want to ignore it. According to Dr. Bradley, "If a child has shown seriously poor decision making on drugs, sex, and violence issues then temporary and overt (open) spying is called for."

Dr. Bradley recommends having an open conversation about your intentions to monitor what's going on, rather than snooping "behind your child's back." What might that look like? He advises saying something like, "'Honey, I love you. What you did could have hurt you terribly. I need to monitor things for a while to be sure you can safely navigate this crazy world. So know that I will be checking your messages/room until I see that you’re safe again. Sorry, but I love you too much to be 'cool' with things that can hurt you.'"

Closing Thoughts

Parenting on your own is difficult, and it can be hard to know when to step in and when to pull back -- especially when you're facing worries about your teen. In all stages of parenting, it helps to find a friend you can confide in and share your worries. And for serious concerns, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional counselor for guidance. To learn how, read How to Seek Help From a Mental Health Professional.