Those in the human services have been told since they were in professional diapers to preach against avoidant behavior in clients and in themselves.
It's bad, they say.
Only the weak avoid; the strong confront.
Clearly, strong is better than weak.
Since we are all red-blooded Americans, we do the red blooded thing: when our kid is obnoxious, we stare him in the eye and say something like, "Stop it NOW!" At least that is the gospel of anti-avoidance according to human service political correctness.
But you know what? They're wrong.
The story is more complex.
Honesty and directness are highly desirable things but depending on the kid involved, they may be long-term goals.
What if we have a kid like Spike? He is ten years old, a menace to his family, the school and the neighborhood and an all around miserable little human being.
Regardless of what the experts say, back down here on earth we may find that honestly and directness are luxuries to be put off for another day because they get us nothing.
Spike is out of control, has been out of control for a long time and probably will stay that was in the future unless something significant happens.
Using distraction as a way of avoiding is essential to turning spike around.
Distraction is a form of avoidance.
There are two mantras that folks who are struggling with out-of-control kids need to keep in mind: If it doesn't work, don't do it and It is better to do nothing well than something else poorly.
This is the essence of systematic avoidance.
Boiled down to their essence, these mantras say basically the same thing: you the parent are struggling to get control over your difficult child.
You need to consistently present yourself to that kid as someone who is in control of themselves.
The quickest way to undermine that effort is to come across to your kid as foolish, weak or pathetic.
We do that whenever we stare our kid in the eye and say something like, "Stop it NOW!" And he responds with, "Get outa here, loser...
and I still want that five bucks.
" But did you stand up to the little monster? Yup.
Did you let him know how you felt? Yup.
Does he care? Nope.
Human service political correctness will insist that you, day in and day out, stand toe to toe with the little snake and say again and again, "Stop it NOW!" The theory is, sooner or later, the snake will yield.
He will tire of hearing you.
He will take confidence in the strength you are showing him.
You will have confronted him without blinking.
He will accept that you, his parent, are worthy of respect and he will drop his resistance to you.
At least that's what it says in the textbooks.
This is America.
The land of choice.
You are free to see if this works for you.
Yet honestly and directness are at the heart of every service that the parents of the out-of-control have been presented with since they started their odyssey to make their kid happier.
Attempting honestly and directness has gotten them nowhere.
This kid is still out-of-control.
Political correctness says that at this point if the kid isn't yielding to your determination, you keep on with, "Stop it NOW!" And you continue to say so clearly, directly and unemotionally until you outlast him and he drops his resistance.
It will, the proponents say, strengthen you in the process.
This is similar to the child who has failed to learn to read in the first grade.
So the principal says, "Kid, you are staying back with the same teacher and the same basal reader because the teacher and the reader are more important than you are.
" Can you imagine anyone being that crass? Actually, the principal doesn't add the last line (we hope) but that is his message.
Rephrased, he says our methodology is more important than anything and we are sticking by it.
This attitude towards learning either reading or good adjustment is only a theory, however.
There is no proof out there that it works.
It sounds good.
It sounds logical.
It is ground zero in the therapeutic world.
But can you count on it? That is a decision you have to make for yourself.
It is the place where virtually every parent of the out-of-control kid starts.
When parents have tried and tried confrontation, and gotten no where, there is an alternative: it is simple- ignore him.
That's right: Get up and walk away.
You can, and should, do so with quiet dignity.
Dignity is a combination of strength and self-respect.
You say nothing, You display nothing.
If you can do this, then add another element: Pick a distracter.
When you get up and walk away, do so with a goal: It could be vacuuming the floor, weeding the garden, taking a walk, going to the gym...
anything that gets you up and out and doing something that is distracting.
Is it avoiding? Absolutely.
If you successfully distract yourself each time your kid is obnoxious, he will get the picture: you can't be manipulated by his anger.
Practice this same distracter every time your child gets under your skin.
If your child wants to be disgusting, he can do so all by himself.
And since he wants you for an audience and since he wants to control you, he has succeeded in achieving neither if you get up and distract yourself.
This is likely to have an impact on his behavior far sooner than confronting him.
The goal of avoidance and anti-avoidance are the same: For some parents, one is going to work better than the other.
It is likely that once you calm your home down that your child will allow you bit by bit to be direct and honest.
It won't happen all at once.
It will only happen as your child feels less threatened and more accepted by you.