Knowing exactly what to say to a friend who needs your sympathy is an important part of friendship. But a few ill-timed or awkward words can make a mess of things, especially when your friend is looking to you for a kind word. Sympathy is an art that few of us possess naturally. The good news is that you can improve your sympathy-giving skills with introspection, wisdom, and a few of these tips.

Listen, Don’t Solve

One of the worst things you can do for a friend that is grieving is to cut them off with suggestions on how to improve the situation. They don’t need your advice yet. Perhaps there will come a day when they ask for it, and when they do you can feel free to give it to them. In the meantime, just listen.

People offer advice with the best of intentions. They want to help their friend. But talking over them when they’re struggling to express their grief only makes them feel worse. Don’t chat away mindlessly with tips on how they can recover from their grief or setback quicker. Instead, allow your friend to feel heard. This is what will really help them recover.

Don’t Talk About Yourself

Even if you know exactly what your friend is going through, be cautious about talking too much about yourself. When your friend needs sympathy, all the focus should be on them and not you. If you want them to know that you experienced something similar, you could say something like:

“I’ve dealt with something like this and wanted to express my sympathy. How are you doing?”

Then, allow them to explain, even if it takes them a while to talk. Don’t jump in with a story of your own just because they’re quiet. Allow them to work through their emotions so they can begin to verbalize what they feel. This is the first step in healing.

Reach Out and Don’t Hide

Too often when we feel bad for a friend we avoid them. It might start with a desire to simply not say the wrong thing, but if you stay away too long it looks to your friend like you don’t care.

Instead, reach out, and if you’re not sure what to say, tell them you’re sorry and listen to what they say next. Don’t fill in a momentary silence just because it’s uncomfortable for you, because the fact that a friend is there, even if you say nothing, is better than being alone when you’re hurting. Your friend will always appreciate you reaching out in person.

When to Give a Card or a Gift

A card works well as a sympathy gift along with flowers or a plant. Be careful about gift giving when sympathy is required, because the gift you give could act as a painful reminder of the loss. Instead, opt for kind words in a card followed by an optional plant or bouquet.

For the card, write something personal but simple. Don’t get into lengthy details, but provide enough of them that your card will sound as if the sentiment came from your heart and not a cliché.

For a funeral or death, you could write:

• I’m sorry for your loss.
• He (she) was a truly great person. He’ll (she’ll) be missed.
• I’d like to help you any way I can. I will call you later to see how you’re doing. (Then be sure you do actually call.)
• I love you and I’m thinking of you.

For a job loss or disappointment, you could write:

• This stinks! But I know there is something better down the line for you.
• I’m ready to take you out and cheer you up. I’ll call you later. Pick a place!
• I know you’re devastated, but I’m sending good thoughts for a new opportunity to come your way.

For other things, you could write something like:

• I love you and will help you get through this.
• I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now.
• I’m sorry everything seems to be happening to you right now. I’m here for you.

Be sure to personalize the card with details of your friend’s situation, but be natural. Your card doesn’t have to be perfect, just sincere.

Timeliness Is Important

In order to truly help your friend through their loss, you should contact them or send a card as soon as you hear about the death. An email would be appropriate for other disappointments your friend is dealing with. Phone calls are always good because your friend can hear your voice, but if they’re dealing with a big tragedy or the death of a loved one they might be too swamped to take the call. If they miss it, leave a message but then follow up later.

Your kind words will help your friend move through the stages of grief, which they will experience no matter what the situation. Kind actions are even better. Here's a list of 101 random acts of kindness. Use these to help inspire you to do something nice for your friend. 

Even small disappointments cause us to deal with grief, and each situation is a little different.

Things Never to Say to a Grieving Friend

Even if you’re going through something yourself, you shouldn’t make your words of sympathy about you. This will make your friend feel as if you called or visited them only to vent about your frustrations. This is true even if you start out asking about their loss.

There is time enough for you to share your own problems, but when you’re giving sympathy, it should be all about your friend. This allows your friend to soak up your genuine caring thoughts so they can move on to whatever’s next for them.

Some things never to say to at a funeral:

• At least the death was quick. Those are the best kind.
• Funerals and weddings are the only times we see each other.
• You said goodbye, so you should feel good about that.
• He (she) was old, so it’s not unexpected.

With other types of sympathy, avoid saying:

• It’s not that big of a deal. You’ll get over it.
• Have you tried…? (Again, giving advice is not appropriate here.)
• I’ve had my own problems.
• I know how you feel.

Not all sympathy has to do with the death of a loved one. As a friend, you’ll be giving sympathy for things like a breakup, job loss, or even financial difficulties. It’s important to understand the level of pain your friend is in, and the best way you can do this is by listening. 

 

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