Is it just me? Am I a hopeless idealist? Or perhaps a frustrated perfectionist? Is it too much to ask to feel that I am safe in my own country? Is it unpatriotic of me to wish that I am living someplace else rather than in my own native land? For the past couple of years, I have been facing a daily struggle not to take too much notice of the ills of our society.
I have learned that I could rant all I want, but the farthest that my words would reach are my husband's ears.
It is during these times that I wish I was still a news reporter, because then I would have the "rightful responsibility" to say what I see, what I know and what I hear.
My voice would have an impact as it would reach out to millions of Filipinos whose only source of information of what is truly going on in this country is the media.
Dinners in our house would consist of a round-up of what went on with everyone during the day.
Amidst the animated conversation, television would also be on, tuned in to the evening news.
As citizens, my husband and i like to be abreast of what goes on in our country.
But there are a lot of times that I would just want to turn the television off.
What I hear ruins my appetite, in fact a lot of times, I felt like throwing up.
Is there nothing positive at all that is happening to this country? Surely, the media only reports what it sees.
I should know, because I have been there.
When I left the news industry five years ago, I had a media fast for a year.
I didn't watch news on TV, didn't read the papers, didn't listen to news on the radio.
I have been so intoxicated with more bad news than I could take for six years that I had to take them all out of my system.
But now I realize I just couldn't escape it.
Even if I don't keep myself informed, I am faced with it everyday.
My daily encounters with the Metro Manila population have been like my daily dose of "vitamins", the kind which would kill you rather than make you healthy.
Traffic caused by jeepneys loading and unloading passengers right in front of signs that say otherwise and even while traffic enforcers are within the area.
Commuters waiting for these jeepneys in front of signs that say they shouldn't be there.
Pedestrians crossing the highways when just right above them are the foot bridges.
Motorcycles suddenly swinging from behind you out of nowhere.
Buses racing with each other as if they are in the grand prix.
A number of "modus operandis" ( theft schemes) on the road.
Tricycles in the highways???!!! But these are nothing compared to what goes in in the entire nation.
Men in uniform killing innocent civilians.
Prelates who call for civil disobedience by not paying taxes.
Prisoners who go in and out of the prison as they please under the very noses of the authorities.
A former president elected to a much lower government position amidst allegations of corruption and electoral fraud.
A congressman found with illegal drugs in a foreign land.
Left and right killings of journalists.
Respected military officials lavishing on money that is not theirs along with their wives.
Merciless and senseless killings over political power.
Driving licenses being issued without an actual driving test and other qualifying requirements.
People throwing their trash anywhere that they please.
Informal settlements that are increasing each year.
Filipinos in search of better opportunities in other countries, but get beaten instead, raped and come home in caskets.
Unprofessional services in government offices.
Not enough books, chairs and classrooms in public schools.
A weather bureau who gives forecasts that are seldom right.
Police officers giddily posing for pictures in front of a hostage drama site.
Corruption everywhere.
The list goes on and on.
Just how could this country move forward is beyond my mental capacity right now.
But should a citizen just watch while he is being robbed off the right to live in a country that really takes care of its people? We have been insulted and played for fools countless of times already with all the lies, unfulfilled promises and deceit.
We are a proud race.
We have survived a number of invasions and have set a worldwide example for the fight against freedom.
But why does it feel that we have never really risen out of the pits and instead we find ourselves sinking even lower? They say big things start from small beginnings.
But we can't even start from scratch without committing embarrassing mistakes.
We can't even implement our simple and basic traffic rules which has resulted to a number of deaths already.
We can't even address a hostage situation without a number of innocent civilians getting killed.
Still I know that government can't do it alone.
And based from our own personal experience, it has let us down countless of times already.
Change has to come from within us.
But trying to be role model citizens in this country proves to be very hard.
We have a bandwagon mentality.
We always tend to go with the way the majority does it.
The problem is, we always follow the wrong example, the short-cut version, the easy way out.
If only more people would care to be right.
I am a Filipino in search of the Filipino spirit.
I want to hear the true Filipino voice and not the shouts and indignations during rallies.
Because I don't even know who among them are genuine and who are paid to cry their hearts out over issues that they don't really know about.
I am frustrated.
At thirty two years old, a wife and a mother of two, one would think that I should be devoting my thoughts to domestic concerns.
I do too, unfailingly one hundred percent of the time.
But I am a Filipino and I am dying to see changes in this country which I love.
I want to see it before I get too old to travel around the country and marvel at its beauty.
I want to read about it before my eyesight starts failing.
I want to jump for joy before my knees go weak.
I don't want to be driven out of my country because I have reached the point that my dignity couldn't stand living here anymore.
I would like to believe that there are still more things to be proud of in this country beside Manny Pacquaio, Charice Pempengco, Lea Salonga and Arnel Pineda.
I want to believe that somewhere out there, buried beneath the rubble of discontent, poverty, lawlessness, violence, corruption and desperation, lies the true Filipino spirit.
He is honest, incorruptible, dignified, sincere, hard-working, humble and fears God above all.
But it has to be awakened soon, before he succumbs to the coma that he is in and eventually dies.