One of the most common emotions that follows finding out about an affair is the desire to transfer the hurt that you're feeling onto the person who is responsible for it.
  Although many wives will want revenge on (or are very angry at) their husbands, they'll most likely turn their attention the mistress.
  Often, in an attempt to hurt her, seek revenge, and to get her out of their lives, wives will ask me how to tell the mistress's  husband about the affair.
  I understand this impulse completely.
  I used to follow the other woman around, but as I healed, I eventually tired of this and decided I was giving her much more credit and attention than she deserved.
  In the following article, I'll discuss this more fully.
Why You Probably Want To Tell The Other Woman's Husband About The Affair:  Often, when wives email me this request, I'll ask them what they ultimately want to accomplish by telling her husband.
  Often, I'll get responses like "well, he should know.
I don't want anyone to go through what I am," or "I want to get back at her.
  She shouldn't be able to get away with this.
" I will often respond with "how do you know that husband doesn't know?" "What do you know about her situation?"  And, then I will ask what I think is really the heart of the matter - "are you doing this because you think it is going to make you feel better or give you some sense of closure?" Almost always the wives will immediately say "yes.
  I think that this will make me feel much better.
" OK, let's examine this, then.
Will Telling The Mistress's Husband Do Anything To Make You Feel Better Or To Help Your Situation?:  More often than not, I have women who contact me after they've told the husband and they recount a disastrous situation.
  Often, the husband is not receptive or is hostile.
  Often, the wives don't get anywhere near the release that they had hoped for.
Sometimes, this will open up a whole other can of worms as the husband begins to compare notes and insinuate that it's your husband who is the aggressor, not his wife.
  So, you're left trying to decipher and evaluate everyone's individual and differing story.
  This does absolutely nothing to help you heal and leaves you even more confused and frustrated.
In truth, you're probably attempting to tell the husband because think that this will help to stop the affair and start your healing.
  But, often what you can't see is that all this is doing is adding yet another layer to this drama and giving you one more thing to worry about.
  Right now, you should be focusing on yourself and your own healing.
  You're not responsible for someone else's marriage.
  Let her deal with her husband.
  You have no idea what kind of arrangement they have.
  You have enough to worry about right now without taking on her marriage.
If You Really Want Revenge On The Mistress, Make Sure That You Get What She Doesn't Want You To Have - Happiness And / Or Your Husband: Let's stop and think about this for a second.
  What the mistress ultimately wants is your husband.
  Her best case scenario is for you to be in a weakened, desperate, and unhappy state.
  This way, your husband sees you as something as undesirable and sees her as the attractive, safe haven.
  Don't play into her hand.
  She doesn't want for you to handle this with dignity and grace because that just makes your job harder.
 She doesn't want you happy and whole.
So, take this time to focus on yourself, not her.
  If you want to save your marriage, then focus on only the two of you.
  In truth, she has no place in your life.
  Don't allow her into it anymore than she already is.
  If you chose not to save your marriage, then leave all of that negativity behind and focus on your own healing.
Happiness is your best revenge.
At the end of the day, she wants to insert herself, with all the drama that surrounds her, into the center of your life.
  Don't let her.
  Freeze her out and ignore her.
  Turn your attention instead on yourself.
  You deserve the best that you can give.
  Allowing her to infringe upon this is only hurting you - not her.