The relationships in a family are emotionally complex.
There are no perfect parents and there are no perfect children, and therefore there are no perfect families.
When families are having difficulties, it is usually because a child is acting out in some way.
That child becomes the identified patient (IP) and is seen as having the problem.
In many cases, this child is acting out the dysfunction that is present in the family dynamics.
They typically has a lower tolerance for the unresolved and /or unspoken issues within the family and between family members, and, although they do not do this consciously, they act out in order to bring attention to the issues.
Given this perspective, when working with a distressed child, the therapist should also work with the parents in understanding the family dynamics.
The parents and child have a relationship, and with any relationship there is personal responsibility on each side.
If you, as a parent, have a strong negative emotional reaction to your child or how your child is acting, it is important to look within yourself.
Many parents first response is to blame the child.
This can be a projection of their own discomfort.
It seems natural and part of our human nature that children will trigger emotional patterns in their parents that are unresolved and adversely affecting the child.
When children do that, and their parents respond, those parents become better parents, and better providers, and raise healthier children.
It is important to note that all parents will make mistakes, be distressed at times, and not always emotionally connect.
It is not so much about making mistakes as it is about repairing those mistakes.
Repair provides valuable role modeling for the child.
It shows that everyone makes mistakes, can learn and grow from mistakes, and that reconnection can happen after disconnection and lead to even stronger emotional bonds.
Children are doing the best that can and don't like getting in trouble or acting out.
They want approval, they want love, and they want a healthy, safe, secure relationship with their parents.
When the therapist works with children and parents in this way, the entire family benefits.
The most successful families are ones in which the parents have been willing to look at their own patterns, see how they were contributing to the issues of their children, and repair these issues with their child.
In this way, both parent and child benefit by strengthening their emotional connection.
They learn to communicate directly, clearly, and congruently (where emotional states match spoken words), and learn to take personal responsibility in emotional relationships.
As a result, the entire family system, as well as each member within that family, becomes emotionally healthier and happier.