Reader Question:People always criticize me. I am constantly on guard, waiting to be hit with people's words. My mother was very critical and strict. But I know deep inside that I love life and want to be free, even though I'm shy and meek and also self-critical. How can I change this?

Response from Anandra: It sounds like you'd very much enjoy being seen, understood, loved, and appreciated as you are.

There's nothing you need to change or fix about yourself in order to deserve love. Your soul is perfect and totally lovable as it is!! The only thing you need to practice or "do" is to consistently remember is your true nature (your soul, your spirit, your essence, the "I AM" behind all other ideas you have about yourself).

Your work, if you want to get out of this cycle, is to distinguish between your inherent goodness that does not grow or shrink from praise or criticism, and the limited identity that was formed in response to your childhood environment. That self (not the real you) is dependent on and/or defensive to the words and actions of others, and is always swinging back and forth between stress (I am bad) and relief (I am good), and can never be at peace.

It takes a bit of discipline, but please remember that when you're upset, you can't change the other person. You can only change yourself, and use the gift of the experience to lead you deeper into yourself, where a negative belief system was hiding that was causing you pain.

Remind yourself, "I LOVE YOU!" as often as you need to, until the "I" and the "love" and the "you" merge into one, and you know that love is your true nature. Practice looking in the mirror at your reflection, and see yourself as you deeply want to be seen by others... as a beautiful, sensitive, wise, soul... You will heal your self-image and begin to expect positive reflection from others instead of expecting painful criticisms you preemptively shield yourself from.

I understand that the messages from your mother were very confusing to you, and that there's a great deal of emotion that causes fear and stress chemicals to flood your system when you get triggered, even by the littlest thing. Because the event is pulling on a deep string inside of your psyche, your response is to the original, and accumulated trauma. The stress chemicals then fool you into thinking that the trigger is real.

Re-routing Your Beliefs

But you CAN re-route your beliefs about yourself. That's the wonderful thing about being a conscious adult. You can change the belief system that is not serving you or when you're tired of experiencing the same pain over and over again, especially when the emotional reaction is disproportionate to the triggering event.

A few simple steps to remember:

1. Every event is an opportunity for you to practice retraining your thoughts.
2. First, to disengage the automatic reaction and just watch.
3. Then, distinguish between the real and the unreal. Finally, paint a different picture of expectation.

As you ground yourself in the reality of your own true nature, you'll start to expect and receive a reflection of that beauty from those around you.
All the very best,
Anandra

_{Disclaimer: Anandra's advice is not meant to override your personal health providers' recommendations/prescriptions, but is intended to offer a new perspective and encourage your inner wisdom to guide the best course of action.}