11 Ways to Be Awesomely Bad at Social Media in 2011
2011 is here, and by now hopefully it's a given that your company has established a social media presence.
Whether it's Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, Jumo, About.
me or any of the myriad other established platforms, participating in social media is no longer just about being hip and on the cutting edge.
It's simply the way that business is going to be done from here on out.
But are you doing it right? Here's how to become notorious in the world of social media in only 11 easy steps*.
1.
Stick to what you know.
Remember MySpace? Man, those were the good old days.
If only we could have held on there just a little bit longer.
After all, who needs innovation and creativity? 2.
Talk only about yourself.
The best parties are the ones where the host talks only about himself and all the awesome stuff he's been doing with his life, right? Social media is the same way.
You're the most interesting thing out there, so don't waste your time trying to listen what others have to say.
3.
Don't do your research.
Researching new platforms and outlets? That's for the birds.
Everything that you know right now in social media is all that you'll ever need to know, so don't waste time or brain cells figuring out what's coming next.
Everyone else is on Facebook and Twitter, so you should be, too.
4.
Don't listen to your audience.
Don't reach out to others.
Expect them to come to you, not vice versa.
They should be thanking you for the amazing products and services you're offering, so the least they could do is seek you out.
And if they have questions? Well obviously it's just because they don't really understand your product.
You don't want their business anyway.
5.
Create boring content.
All content is created equal.
As long as you can find something to post or tweet every day, who needs good copy, enticing videos or engaging conversation? Not this guy.
And you probably don't, either.
Your services sell themselves, right? So why waste time on presenting them in a compelling manner? Also, be sure to use bad grammar as well.
It shows you're one of the people.
6.
Berate others publicly.
This one is a personal favorite.
I'm not talking about reaching out with a legitimate customer service concern.
No, this technique is best put into practice when you forgo private messages and air your grievances publicly.
Think you've got a better way of handling someone's social media? Make your case where everyone can see how right you are...
and how wrong everyone else is.
7.
Don't have a strategy.
Who needs a plan when you can fly by the seat of your pants? Be the Indiana Jones of social media and just make it up as you go.
What could possibly go wrong? 8.
Act like you know everything.
We love know-it-alls, don't we? Besides, that's the very definition of being an expert: you've reached the pinnacle of human knowledge and are beyond the point of learning anything new.
Now all you have to do is let others know about it...
9.
Brag all the time.
I love hearing how amazing I am, don't you? That's really what social media is all about: a platform for extolling my countless virtues.
You're so vain, you probably think this tweet is about you...
but it's not.
It's about me.
10.
Never ask for help.
Real men don't ask for directions, and real social media experts don't ask for help.
If you can't figure something out on your own, just get out the smoke and mirrors and fake your way through it.
Reaching out to others is a sign of weakness, and the social sharks are circling and waiting for the smell of blood in the water to attack.
11.
Forget the "why.
" Finally, be sure to forget why social media exists in the first place.
Remember, it's a corporate machine, not a place for community building or socializing.
Make sure your presence is as impersonal, cold and unfriendly as possible.
And there you have it: follow this simple checklist, and you'll be sinking your social media presence in no time! *While it goes without saying that the advice provided in this article is satirical in nature, contained herein are, in fact, valuable lessons learned from real-world examples of social media practices gone horribly wrong.
Whether it's Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, Jumo, About.
me or any of the myriad other established platforms, participating in social media is no longer just about being hip and on the cutting edge.
It's simply the way that business is going to be done from here on out.
But are you doing it right? Here's how to become notorious in the world of social media in only 11 easy steps*.
1.
Stick to what you know.
Remember MySpace? Man, those were the good old days.
If only we could have held on there just a little bit longer.
After all, who needs innovation and creativity? 2.
Talk only about yourself.
The best parties are the ones where the host talks only about himself and all the awesome stuff he's been doing with his life, right? Social media is the same way.
You're the most interesting thing out there, so don't waste your time trying to listen what others have to say.
3.
Don't do your research.
Researching new platforms and outlets? That's for the birds.
Everything that you know right now in social media is all that you'll ever need to know, so don't waste time or brain cells figuring out what's coming next.
Everyone else is on Facebook and Twitter, so you should be, too.
4.
Don't listen to your audience.
Don't reach out to others.
Expect them to come to you, not vice versa.
They should be thanking you for the amazing products and services you're offering, so the least they could do is seek you out.
And if they have questions? Well obviously it's just because they don't really understand your product.
You don't want their business anyway.
5.
Create boring content.
All content is created equal.
As long as you can find something to post or tweet every day, who needs good copy, enticing videos or engaging conversation? Not this guy.
And you probably don't, either.
Your services sell themselves, right? So why waste time on presenting them in a compelling manner? Also, be sure to use bad grammar as well.
It shows you're one of the people.
6.
Berate others publicly.
This one is a personal favorite.
I'm not talking about reaching out with a legitimate customer service concern.
No, this technique is best put into practice when you forgo private messages and air your grievances publicly.
Think you've got a better way of handling someone's social media? Make your case where everyone can see how right you are...
and how wrong everyone else is.
7.
Don't have a strategy.
Who needs a plan when you can fly by the seat of your pants? Be the Indiana Jones of social media and just make it up as you go.
What could possibly go wrong? 8.
Act like you know everything.
We love know-it-alls, don't we? Besides, that's the very definition of being an expert: you've reached the pinnacle of human knowledge and are beyond the point of learning anything new.
Now all you have to do is let others know about it...
9.
Brag all the time.
I love hearing how amazing I am, don't you? That's really what social media is all about: a platform for extolling my countless virtues.
You're so vain, you probably think this tweet is about you...
but it's not.
It's about me.
10.
Never ask for help.
Real men don't ask for directions, and real social media experts don't ask for help.
If you can't figure something out on your own, just get out the smoke and mirrors and fake your way through it.
Reaching out to others is a sign of weakness, and the social sharks are circling and waiting for the smell of blood in the water to attack.
11.
Forget the "why.
" Finally, be sure to forget why social media exists in the first place.
Remember, it's a corporate machine, not a place for community building or socializing.
Make sure your presence is as impersonal, cold and unfriendly as possible.
And there you have it: follow this simple checklist, and you'll be sinking your social media presence in no time! *While it goes without saying that the advice provided in this article is satirical in nature, contained herein are, in fact, valuable lessons learned from real-world examples of social media practices gone horribly wrong.
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