The Annotated Alternative Creation: The Simulated Universe: Part Two
We're probably all familiar with the mythology of The Creation as outlined in the Book of Genesis: chapters 1 and 2. But if you believe in a Simulated Universe relative to a Supernatural Universe, here's an annotated variation on The Creation theme.
From the King James [Alternate Universe] Version (KJAUV)
Genesis 2
Thus the virtual Heavens and the virtual Earth were finished and all the host of them. [Supreme Programmer's Note: I have no idea what €all the host of them€ means, but it sounds good.]
2 And on the seventh day the Supreme Programmer (hereafter abbreviated SP) ended his work which he had made and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made and then the SP called it a night, but before tucking in he first reread Chapter One in his textbook €How to improve Your Grammar In Six Easy Lessons€.
3 And the SP blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it because that in it he had rested from all his bits and bytes programming work which the SP endlessly debugged and made glitch free.
4 These are the generations of the virtual heavens and of the simulated Earth when they were created, in the day that the SP programmed the virtual Earth and the simulated Heavens. [SP Note: grammar still needs working on.]
5 And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew, for the SP had not programmed it to rain upon the Earth, and there was not a software-man to till the software-generated ground. [SP Note: see, a miracle!]
6 But there went up a virtual mist from the virtual earth, and virtually watered the whole face of the ground. [SP Note: miracles are good but natural is better.]
7 And then the SP formed software-man of the simulated dust of the simulated ground, and breathed into his simulated nostrils the virtual breath of life; and man became a living soul. [SP Note: don't try this at home kids; the best laid plans of simulated mice and software-man can go down the gurgler in untrained paws.]
8 And then the SP planted a simulated garden eastward in Eden, and there he put the software-man whom he had programmed on his computer.
9 And out of the ground made the SP to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. [SP Note: I give up; grammar is just too damn difficult, even for me.]
10 And a virtual river went out of Eden to water the simulated garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
11 The name of the first is the virtual Pishon: that is it which compassed the whole land of Havilah, where there is simulated fool's gold. [SP Note: I made this name up to throw future tree-of-knowledge seekers off the scent.]
12 And the simulated fool's gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. [SP Note: I also invented mineralogy.]
13 And the name of the second river is the virtual Gihon: the same is it that compassed the whole land of Ethiopia. [SP Note: I made this name up too.]
14 And the name of the third river is the virtual Hiddekel: that is it which goes toward the east of Assyria. [SP Note: I fibbed; the real name is the Tigris.] And the fourth virtual river is the Euphrates. [SP Note: one out of four ain't too bad.]
15 And then the SP took the software-man, and put him into the simulated Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. [SP Note: since this was before there were trade unions, software-man was my virtual slave on less than minimum wage.]
16 And the SP commanded the software-man, saying, of every tree of the garden thou may freely eat.
17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shall not eat of it for in the day that thou eat thereof thou shall surely die. [SP Note: speak softly but carry a big stick.]
18 And the SP said it is not good that the software-man should be alone so I will make him a help meet [computer jargon for software-woman] for him.
19 And out of the ground the SP formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto the software-man who the SP named software-Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever software-Adam called every living creature that was the name thereof. [SP Note: I changed my previously infallible mind at this point and created software-man before the simulated beasts by overriding my earlier software that I programmed as outlined in Genesis 1. I wouldn't want to befuddle the great unwashed with contradictions.]
20 And software-Adam gave names to all cattle and to the fowl of the air and to every beast of the field; but for software-Adam there was not found a help meet [software-woman] for him.
21 And the SP caused a deep sleep to fall upon software-Adam, and he slept: and the Supreme Programmer virtually took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. [Supreme Programmer's Note: one could say I practiced medicine without a license, but there were no medical tribunals back when I ruled the roost.]
22 And the rib, which the SP had virtually taken from software-man Adam, made him a software-woman [the help meet], and brought her unto the software-man. [SP Note: there's more but this is a family-friendly, not an x-rated text.]
[Supplementary SP Note: When you program software, anything goes, even creating man from dust and woman from a rib.]
23 And software-Adam said this is now a simulated bone of my virtual bones, and simulated flesh of my virtual flesh and she shall be called software-woman, because she was taken out of software-man. [SP Note: when it comes to logic, Mr. Spock will take lessons from me.]
24 Therefore shall a software-man leave his subroutine-generated software-father and his subroutine-generated software-mother [subroutines which the SP programmed in later as an afterthought], and shall cleave unto his software-wife and they shall be as one software-generated flesh of the simulated kind. [SP Note: parenthood doesn't yet enter into the picture but I thought it a good time to introduce the concept.]
25 And they were both virtually naked, the software-man and his software-wife, and were not ashamed because there were no software glitches to make them so.
[Supreme Programmer's Final Note: God, are they in for a nasty virtual reality surprise! Virtual Earth and software-humanity have no idea of the programming misery I'm planning to inflict on them. But then I never claimed to be Mr. Nice Guy, just Mr. Infallible, Mr. All-Knowing, and Mr. All-Powerful. But before I get to inflicting all the simulated pain yet to come, it's time for a martini (or twenty) and then I'll call it a night.]
From the King James [Alternate Universe] Version (KJAUV)
Genesis 2
Thus the virtual Heavens and the virtual Earth were finished and all the host of them. [Supreme Programmer's Note: I have no idea what €all the host of them€ means, but it sounds good.]
2 And on the seventh day the Supreme Programmer (hereafter abbreviated SP) ended his work which he had made and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made and then the SP called it a night, but before tucking in he first reread Chapter One in his textbook €How to improve Your Grammar In Six Easy Lessons€.
3 And the SP blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it because that in it he had rested from all his bits and bytes programming work which the SP endlessly debugged and made glitch free.
4 These are the generations of the virtual heavens and of the simulated Earth when they were created, in the day that the SP programmed the virtual Earth and the simulated Heavens. [SP Note: grammar still needs working on.]
5 And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew, for the SP had not programmed it to rain upon the Earth, and there was not a software-man to till the software-generated ground. [SP Note: see, a miracle!]
6 But there went up a virtual mist from the virtual earth, and virtually watered the whole face of the ground. [SP Note: miracles are good but natural is better.]
7 And then the SP formed software-man of the simulated dust of the simulated ground, and breathed into his simulated nostrils the virtual breath of life; and man became a living soul. [SP Note: don't try this at home kids; the best laid plans of simulated mice and software-man can go down the gurgler in untrained paws.]
8 And then the SP planted a simulated garden eastward in Eden, and there he put the software-man whom he had programmed on his computer.
9 And out of the ground made the SP to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. [SP Note: I give up; grammar is just too damn difficult, even for me.]
10 And a virtual river went out of Eden to water the simulated garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
11 The name of the first is the virtual Pishon: that is it which compassed the whole land of Havilah, where there is simulated fool's gold. [SP Note: I made this name up to throw future tree-of-knowledge seekers off the scent.]
12 And the simulated fool's gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. [SP Note: I also invented mineralogy.]
13 And the name of the second river is the virtual Gihon: the same is it that compassed the whole land of Ethiopia. [SP Note: I made this name up too.]
14 And the name of the third river is the virtual Hiddekel: that is it which goes toward the east of Assyria. [SP Note: I fibbed; the real name is the Tigris.] And the fourth virtual river is the Euphrates. [SP Note: one out of four ain't too bad.]
15 And then the SP took the software-man, and put him into the simulated Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. [SP Note: since this was before there were trade unions, software-man was my virtual slave on less than minimum wage.]
16 And the SP commanded the software-man, saying, of every tree of the garden thou may freely eat.
17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shall not eat of it for in the day that thou eat thereof thou shall surely die. [SP Note: speak softly but carry a big stick.]
18 And the SP said it is not good that the software-man should be alone so I will make him a help meet [computer jargon for software-woman] for him.
19 And out of the ground the SP formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto the software-man who the SP named software-Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever software-Adam called every living creature that was the name thereof. [SP Note: I changed my previously infallible mind at this point and created software-man before the simulated beasts by overriding my earlier software that I programmed as outlined in Genesis 1. I wouldn't want to befuddle the great unwashed with contradictions.]
20 And software-Adam gave names to all cattle and to the fowl of the air and to every beast of the field; but for software-Adam there was not found a help meet [software-woman] for him.
21 And the SP caused a deep sleep to fall upon software-Adam, and he slept: and the Supreme Programmer virtually took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. [Supreme Programmer's Note: one could say I practiced medicine without a license, but there were no medical tribunals back when I ruled the roost.]
22 And the rib, which the SP had virtually taken from software-man Adam, made him a software-woman [the help meet], and brought her unto the software-man. [SP Note: there's more but this is a family-friendly, not an x-rated text.]
[Supplementary SP Note: When you program software, anything goes, even creating man from dust and woman from a rib.]
23 And software-Adam said this is now a simulated bone of my virtual bones, and simulated flesh of my virtual flesh and she shall be called software-woman, because she was taken out of software-man. [SP Note: when it comes to logic, Mr. Spock will take lessons from me.]
24 Therefore shall a software-man leave his subroutine-generated software-father and his subroutine-generated software-mother [subroutines which the SP programmed in later as an afterthought], and shall cleave unto his software-wife and they shall be as one software-generated flesh of the simulated kind. [SP Note: parenthood doesn't yet enter into the picture but I thought it a good time to introduce the concept.]
25 And they were both virtually naked, the software-man and his software-wife, and were not ashamed because there were no software glitches to make them so.
[Supreme Programmer's Final Note: God, are they in for a nasty virtual reality surprise! Virtual Earth and software-humanity have no idea of the programming misery I'm planning to inflict on them. But then I never claimed to be Mr. Nice Guy, just Mr. Infallible, Mr. All-Knowing, and Mr. All-Powerful. But before I get to inflicting all the simulated pain yet to come, it's time for a martini (or twenty) and then I'll call it a night.]
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