How to Help Women Separating From Their Spouses
- 1). Expect a phase of denial early on. When couples part, the decision usually arises out of considerable distress and unhappiness, often suffered over extended periods. The dream of happiness that once drew the couple together lies in ruins. In the midst of her anger and hurt feelings, or sense of betrayal and mistreatment, a woman separating from her spouse also faces a period of mourning. The psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Elizabeth Kubler-Ross found, in her work on bereavement, that people often cope with the immediate aftermath of loss by choking off its full emotional impact.
- 2). Prepare for anger. Remember that separation is a process, not a singular event. Denial may protect the woman by shutting down intense feelings at a point of maximum vulnerability. But sooner or later, it gives way to other feelings, most typically anger in the early phases. During this phase, a woman may find herself shocked at the depth of her anger and rage. Avoid taking sides or agreeing with her feelings. However, receiving the outpouring of fury without judgment or premature encouragement to "think positively" often brings relief. Psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion describes how, in moments of intense distress, people frequently pour their unmanageable feelings into a receptive listener, who must calmly contain them without reacting in order to bring relief.
- 3). Accept a period of wavering and doubt when the anger passes, and don't feel obliged to offer advice or suggestions. Kubler-Ross allows her patients to fully experience their doubt and anxiety, to explore it and pacify it by naming and describing it. Psychoanalyst Hanna Segal describes how raw emotions become more bearable and manageable when they get symbolized, whether in words, art or ritual. Again, sympathetic and receptive listening generally does more good in the long run than active advice. Support the separated woman in finding her own strategies and solutions rather than giving her someone else's.
- 4). Anticipate and quietly support a woman separating from her spouse through a period of sadness and depression. Don't try too hard to lift her spirits when she hits this phase. A friendly, comforting presence helps a woman bear these important and truthful feelings. Depression marks the point where the full magnitude of loss and broken dreams begins to sink in. The Lacanian psychoanalyst Darian Leader argues that depression shouldn't be pathologized; it may actively further the work of mourning. Sadness signals that the woman has become able to let go of her former life, to give consent to her losses. Without consenting to a loss, a person emotionally clings on to her lost relationships and gets stuck in an unyielding and interminable melancholia.
- 5). Encourage new initiatives when depression wanes. For Kubler-Ross, depression marks the transition to acceptance -- a woman's former life may now close, but a new life can now begin. An implication of her work is that new relationships, new projects and new versions of the self can only come into being when true acceptance of the end of a previous life chapter takes place. A woman in this late phase of the separation process may chose to take evening classes in sculpture, math or salsa dancing, enroll in a degree course, or start her own business. New possibilities -- and the prospect of new relationships -- emerge as a new life begins.
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