Most of us in one way or another are tied to the past.
We are tied to the past because it influences our choices in the present.
If we are tied to the past, we can't be independent; we are not free to make our own choices.
As parents, the most significant way we are tied to the past is through our own parents.
Regardless of how we feel about our parents, on some level we have identified with them.
We have identified with them, because as powerless small children we felt our parents to be omnipotent.
That is, they were all knowing and powerful, and we wanted to believe, so we did believe, they knew what they were doing.
If they knew what they were doing, then certainly we would want to do be like them.
We may have experienced frustrations with our parents causing us, as we grew up, to be critical of them.
However, at a very early age, we first identified with our parents and their omnipotent powers, internalizing some of their parenting practices as correct.
Many of us are surprised when we find ourselves parenting like our parents; we swore we would be different, yet we find ourselves unconsciously modeling and displaying some of their behaviors.
Many of us may not be aware of the influence, the association, and find a comfort in a feeling of knowing how to parent.
This "knowing" may be comfortable because it is associated with the manner in which we were parented; it does not however make it effective, and it is certainly not an independent choice.
If we yell a lot at our children, it may be because we were yelled at as children.
If we resent our children, it may be that we were resented as children.
If we call our children names, it may be because our parents ridiculed us.
If we think our children should have piano lessons, it may be because we were forced to have lessons as children.
We can, however, become aware of our parent's influence on us, the influence of the past, and decide for ourselves who we want to be and how we are going to act in the world.
We can decide that feelings of comfort may be an illusion we hold on to because it is easy and convenient.
Our comfort does not ensure our children's happiness and fulfillment; our awareness, growth, and wisdom does.
As our wisdom is developed through our authenticity, we must examine the past - while not getting stuck there - in order to continue to develop our independence.
When I was not yelling at my daughter, Allison, I started becoming aware of many other things I was doing that were similar or the same as my parents.
In fact when I was speaking sometimes, I would hear my voice and feel as if someone else was speaking; I was hearing the echoes of my parents through the use of the same words, phrases, and mannerisms.
I found myself voicing the same kinds of threats and punishments, waggling and pointing my finger at Allison in the same way, ending one way conversations with "Do you understand?" and other phrases that had been said to me.
It was as if I had a catalogue of words, gestures, and phrases that were ready and available at any moment, manifesting themselves spontaneously at any given time.
Freeing ourselves from our past conditioning - from our past influences - may not be easy.
Once we are conditioned - like Pavlov's dog - we may be deeply associated and connected to this conditioning.
It took me several years to stop raging and screaming at Allison.
When I first stopped identifying with my father, I would condemn myself after a raging episode and subsequently become more depressed.
I began to take responsibility but not in a constructive way, experiencing destructive feelings of self-recrimination.
Part of being aware of the ties to the past is to realize you are not the past.
The fundamental you, the newborn child, is blameless and guiltless.
All of our behaviors are learned; intrinsically we are not our behaviors.
Yet not knowing and believing this sent me into fits of self-anger, as I judged myself as inherently bad, as being defective and flawed.
Over time I have begun to free myself from this type of destructive self-judgment.
However, as I initially struggled to eliminate my rages, my self-judgment and anger turned inward and fueled my depression, creating cycles that did not empower myself to be free of the past, but instead continued to recreate it.
Thus, my out of control rages continued.
As we become aware of our conditioning, our ties to the past, we transform ourselves through love.
However it is the act of love, not the feeling of love.
We need to learn how to truly love others and ourselves.
I was always confused about this concept of loving yourself.
I thought it was an absurd concept because I could not connect to loving feelings towards myself.
I felt that I was not loved and was not deserving of love.
My self-image was racked with negative feelings and impressions.
As a child, I had internalized and legitimized messages of not being valued and not being of value.
Lacking value, how could I have feelings of self-love? Yet in the depths of my anger, frustration, and depression, I decided that I would not give up, that I would not be beaten down, that I would fight.
In the midst of my despair, I decided to act.
In that decision to act I took the first steps towards self-love; I began to encourage, nurture, and allow myself to grow and evolve positively as a human being.
I took those actions that would support my health both mentally and physically.
Instead of despair, I experienced genuine hope for the first time in my life.
I've had many amazing teachers and guides along the way.
I am continually amazed by the number of genuine, loving, caring, enlightened individuals existing on this planet who, at any moment in time, are willing and able to impart their love and knowledge.
In absorbing their love and knowledge and applying it to ourselves, we learn to love ourselves - to act in a loving way towards ourselves.
In this way we transform the present, and cut our ties to the past.
In this way we free ourselves to be independent of the past, and become masters of a present that we create through our own vision of it.
In this way we become true parents to our children.
In this way our children - and our children's children - become their own masters, free to love themselves, unfolding in continuing expressions of love for generations to come.