A Different Midnight Knock
As I shut my eyes to slip into a restful sleep, after an eventful day, I heard the door bell.
The bedside clock showed the time as midnight.
I have not joined any terrorist organization.
Nor have I ever protested against the policies of the government.
Apart from my breast fixation, I have no problems with the society in which I live.
I had not committed a misdemeanor even to invite a midnight knock at my door.
I donned a robe and rushed to the door to give a piece of my mind to the unwelcome caller at an unearthly hour.
I stopped midway through my invective when the caller flashed a card and announced in a terse tone, "You are under arrest.
" Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I looked hard at the caller.
He had an unusual uniform and didn't look like any cop I had seen either in real life or on a screen-big or small.
"Who are you, and what heinous crime have I committed?" "You are booked for a premeditated, cold-blooded murder.
" "I don't hurt even a fly.
Look, you got a wrong number.
I don't own any weapon, not even a box opener.
Do come in and show me the arrest warrant.
Let me also call my lawyer.
" He walked in, too sure of himself, and produced the warrant.
It was from the Grammar Department and charged me for butchering the English language every day.
It listed a series of offences including some I had never even heard of.
"Hey, what is this dangling thing here? I have a bountiful supply of Viagra to last me for five years.
" "Stop, you are not obliged to speak, but if you speak, whatever you say will be recorded in writing and may be used as evidence against you.
" Soon the cop put the fetters on me, took me to the station and produced me before the Magistrate the following morning.
My lawyer opened his statement saying English, either British or American is not my first language and wanted the charge to be amended to culpable homicide, not amounting to murder.
The judge, fortunately for me, condescended to accede to his plea.
Before the trial, my lawyer had entered into a plea bargain and pleaded guilty for charges of dangling and squinting modifiers.
He ignored my protests I had everything upright and perfect binocular vision.
The prosecution, mercifully, dropped the charges regarding the use and misuse of commas after taking due consideration of the long time I had spent in the penitentiary.
As the rest of the charges numbered close to hundred, the judge refused to grant me bail.
When the trial started, the jury comprising four ladies and three literary apparatchiks looked sternly at me and dashed my hopes of a fair trial.
The prosecutor read out the lengthy charge sheet and alleged, "The accused butchered the English language mercilessly and remorselessly both in writing and speaking.
Grammar is to a writer what anatomy is to a sculptor, or the scales to a musician.
The accused loathed it and killed the language like a savage killer.
He merits nothing short of a life sentence for each offense with the sentences not running concurrently.
" He then produced a bagful of spelling and grammar mistakes as evidence.
The jury looked at the material on the desk with sheer contempt.
My lawyer stood and adjusted his jacket.
"Writers like politicians do not need any special training or licence to practice their profession.
While politicians succeed by following their gut feelings writers thrive by serendipitous flukes.
A writer just needs to know the basics and a few simple rules.
The prosecution's charge that skills of grammar and syntax are essential for a writer is utterly baseless, and, if it were the case, the editors would lose their jobs.
The prosecution waxed eloquently about the relationship of grammar to a writer.
All I can say is, to smell a flower one need not be a botanist.
" The jury sat straight and took note of my lawyer's statement.
"Now, about the English language," my lawyer said, "it has been evolving continuously for many years absorbing words from different languages and cultures.
What was correct twenty years back is now considered archaic and not acceptable.
" He paused to let the message sink in and continued, "As for grammar and syntax, English has no grammar in the sense or forms and inflections, but takes account of the nature and use of words in sentences.
The rules of grammar are very confusing, to say the least.
To begin with, there are many schools of thought and grammatical theories are always in a flux, and the more we learn, the less we seem to know.
An entirely adequate description of English grammar is still a distant target and at present seemingly an unreachable one, the complications being what they are.
In fact, the more detailed the grammar, the less likely it is to be of use to most writers.
I'm quoting the Chicago Manual of Style.
" He passed the book around with the relevant page marked and highlighted.
"Grammar is viewed both as a science and an art.
The confusion starts at the very outset of the parts of speech.
The modern grammarians cannot agree on precisely how many parts of speech there are in English.
The number varies from as few as three to as many as twenty.
" "Similarly, there is confusion about the number of vowels.
We all think of five, but the purists insist the letter Y is also a vowel in some contexts.
" "English is perhaps the only language in which the same word performs different functions.
Some words can be nouns and verbs, and verbs can be converted to nouns and vice versa.
As if this is not bad enough, there is confusion of gender, and modern English demands politically correct words.
The rules of grammar and punctuation vary in English (USA) and (UK).
There was a whopping controversy during the recent World Cup coverage when a reporter said the USA 'were' eliminated by Ghana.
The purists on both sides of the Atlantic couldn't come to an agreement on this simple sentence and the word 'were' under intense debate.
Finally, it was agreed that 'was' correct in American and 'were', in British English.
The accused doesn't live anywhere close to the Atlantic.
" "Grammar is something that so many people struggle with, and it can be tough for many.
The books on grammar, for the most part, are dull, dry, and lifeless and make painful reading.
There are as many exceptions to the rule as the rules themselves.
The acclaimed writers get away by flouting the rules.
The critics and reviewers acclaim such aberrations of grammar were used to give emphasis.
I'm sure you recollect Sir Winston Churchill's disdain regarding ending a sentence with a preposition, "This is the type of errant pedantry I shall not put up with.
" Similarly, George Bernard Shaw wrote, "There is a busybody in your staff who devotes a lot of time to chasing split infinitives.
I call for immediate dismissal of this pedant.
It is of no consequence whether he decides to go quickly or to quickly go or quickly to go.
The important thing is that he should go at once.
" "English words are like chameleons which reflect the color of their environment.
The same word has different meanings.
For example, sometimes, some time, and sometime mean different things altogether.
The confusion caused by similar words as loose and lose, lay and lie baffle most writers.
" "As for spelling, Harold Holzer, of the New York Times, found many faults with President Lincoln's writings, especially spelling of words like shadow, inaugural and it's.
He is reported to have declared, "If he had a spell checker President Lincoln would never have written the Gettysburg Address.
" My client is no patch on Abe Lincoln.
" "Coming to punctuation I'd like to bring to the notice of the jury James Joyce's "Ulysses" was full of punctuationless paragraphs and endless sentences, and yet it has been claimed as a classic.
The basic function of punctuation is to promote easy reading.
But I find the prosecution making a mountain of this molehill.
Some aspects of punctuation are rule governed, and some are matters of judgement and taste.
The judgement and taste are by no means that of the writer.
Publishers, newspapers, and magazines tend increasingly to impose 'house styles' on everything they print, and much punctuation is changed or eliminated in the transition from MS to print.
" "As for pronunciation, English alphabet has only twenty six letters compared to fifty four letters in my client's language.
Out of these twenty six some remain silent or muted or spoken with a drawl.
This makes it impossible for anyone to produce the desired sounds no matter what the dictionaries explain about the correct pronunciation.
Anyway, the pronunciation of English differs from country to country.
My client's country has the largest number of English speakers today, and whatever way they speak will soon be the norm and not a fault.
" "In a lighter vein, the English conjugations can be copulative, adversative, casual and alternative.
" "Lastly, while growing up, we all have committed grammar felonies of different degree in school and college.
There are many grammar vandals at large in the world and our own country, and it is grossly unfair to single out my client.
I, therefore, request the jury to exonerate my client on all counts, and the Judge to dismiss the case with costs.
The defense rests.
" The jury is still out.
I'm waiting with bated breath to hear their verdict.
Any article or statement about grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one error, according to Mc Kean's law.
The above paragraphs may contain a bagful of errors, for I am writing about grammar, which I know very little of, and I am a terribly confused man myself.
The bedside clock showed the time as midnight.
I have not joined any terrorist organization.
Nor have I ever protested against the policies of the government.
Apart from my breast fixation, I have no problems with the society in which I live.
I had not committed a misdemeanor even to invite a midnight knock at my door.
I donned a robe and rushed to the door to give a piece of my mind to the unwelcome caller at an unearthly hour.
I stopped midway through my invective when the caller flashed a card and announced in a terse tone, "You are under arrest.
" Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I looked hard at the caller.
He had an unusual uniform and didn't look like any cop I had seen either in real life or on a screen-big or small.
"Who are you, and what heinous crime have I committed?" "You are booked for a premeditated, cold-blooded murder.
" "I don't hurt even a fly.
Look, you got a wrong number.
I don't own any weapon, not even a box opener.
Do come in and show me the arrest warrant.
Let me also call my lawyer.
" He walked in, too sure of himself, and produced the warrant.
It was from the Grammar Department and charged me for butchering the English language every day.
It listed a series of offences including some I had never even heard of.
"Hey, what is this dangling thing here? I have a bountiful supply of Viagra to last me for five years.
" "Stop, you are not obliged to speak, but if you speak, whatever you say will be recorded in writing and may be used as evidence against you.
" Soon the cop put the fetters on me, took me to the station and produced me before the Magistrate the following morning.
My lawyer opened his statement saying English, either British or American is not my first language and wanted the charge to be amended to culpable homicide, not amounting to murder.
The judge, fortunately for me, condescended to accede to his plea.
Before the trial, my lawyer had entered into a plea bargain and pleaded guilty for charges of dangling and squinting modifiers.
He ignored my protests I had everything upright and perfect binocular vision.
The prosecution, mercifully, dropped the charges regarding the use and misuse of commas after taking due consideration of the long time I had spent in the penitentiary.
As the rest of the charges numbered close to hundred, the judge refused to grant me bail.
When the trial started, the jury comprising four ladies and three literary apparatchiks looked sternly at me and dashed my hopes of a fair trial.
The prosecutor read out the lengthy charge sheet and alleged, "The accused butchered the English language mercilessly and remorselessly both in writing and speaking.
Grammar is to a writer what anatomy is to a sculptor, or the scales to a musician.
The accused loathed it and killed the language like a savage killer.
He merits nothing short of a life sentence for each offense with the sentences not running concurrently.
" He then produced a bagful of spelling and grammar mistakes as evidence.
The jury looked at the material on the desk with sheer contempt.
My lawyer stood and adjusted his jacket.
"Writers like politicians do not need any special training or licence to practice their profession.
While politicians succeed by following their gut feelings writers thrive by serendipitous flukes.
A writer just needs to know the basics and a few simple rules.
The prosecution's charge that skills of grammar and syntax are essential for a writer is utterly baseless, and, if it were the case, the editors would lose their jobs.
The prosecution waxed eloquently about the relationship of grammar to a writer.
All I can say is, to smell a flower one need not be a botanist.
" The jury sat straight and took note of my lawyer's statement.
"Now, about the English language," my lawyer said, "it has been evolving continuously for many years absorbing words from different languages and cultures.
What was correct twenty years back is now considered archaic and not acceptable.
" He paused to let the message sink in and continued, "As for grammar and syntax, English has no grammar in the sense or forms and inflections, but takes account of the nature and use of words in sentences.
The rules of grammar are very confusing, to say the least.
To begin with, there are many schools of thought and grammatical theories are always in a flux, and the more we learn, the less we seem to know.
An entirely adequate description of English grammar is still a distant target and at present seemingly an unreachable one, the complications being what they are.
In fact, the more detailed the grammar, the less likely it is to be of use to most writers.
I'm quoting the Chicago Manual of Style.
" He passed the book around with the relevant page marked and highlighted.
"Grammar is viewed both as a science and an art.
The confusion starts at the very outset of the parts of speech.
The modern grammarians cannot agree on precisely how many parts of speech there are in English.
The number varies from as few as three to as many as twenty.
" "Similarly, there is confusion about the number of vowels.
We all think of five, but the purists insist the letter Y is also a vowel in some contexts.
" "English is perhaps the only language in which the same word performs different functions.
Some words can be nouns and verbs, and verbs can be converted to nouns and vice versa.
As if this is not bad enough, there is confusion of gender, and modern English demands politically correct words.
The rules of grammar and punctuation vary in English (USA) and (UK).
There was a whopping controversy during the recent World Cup coverage when a reporter said the USA 'were' eliminated by Ghana.
The purists on both sides of the Atlantic couldn't come to an agreement on this simple sentence and the word 'were' under intense debate.
Finally, it was agreed that 'was' correct in American and 'were', in British English.
The accused doesn't live anywhere close to the Atlantic.
" "Grammar is something that so many people struggle with, and it can be tough for many.
The books on grammar, for the most part, are dull, dry, and lifeless and make painful reading.
There are as many exceptions to the rule as the rules themselves.
The acclaimed writers get away by flouting the rules.
The critics and reviewers acclaim such aberrations of grammar were used to give emphasis.
I'm sure you recollect Sir Winston Churchill's disdain regarding ending a sentence with a preposition, "This is the type of errant pedantry I shall not put up with.
" Similarly, George Bernard Shaw wrote, "There is a busybody in your staff who devotes a lot of time to chasing split infinitives.
I call for immediate dismissal of this pedant.
It is of no consequence whether he decides to go quickly or to quickly go or quickly to go.
The important thing is that he should go at once.
" "English words are like chameleons which reflect the color of their environment.
The same word has different meanings.
For example, sometimes, some time, and sometime mean different things altogether.
The confusion caused by similar words as loose and lose, lay and lie baffle most writers.
" "As for spelling, Harold Holzer, of the New York Times, found many faults with President Lincoln's writings, especially spelling of words like shadow, inaugural and it's.
He is reported to have declared, "If he had a spell checker President Lincoln would never have written the Gettysburg Address.
" My client is no patch on Abe Lincoln.
" "Coming to punctuation I'd like to bring to the notice of the jury James Joyce's "Ulysses" was full of punctuationless paragraphs and endless sentences, and yet it has been claimed as a classic.
The basic function of punctuation is to promote easy reading.
But I find the prosecution making a mountain of this molehill.
Some aspects of punctuation are rule governed, and some are matters of judgement and taste.
The judgement and taste are by no means that of the writer.
Publishers, newspapers, and magazines tend increasingly to impose 'house styles' on everything they print, and much punctuation is changed or eliminated in the transition from MS to print.
" "As for pronunciation, English alphabet has only twenty six letters compared to fifty four letters in my client's language.
Out of these twenty six some remain silent or muted or spoken with a drawl.
This makes it impossible for anyone to produce the desired sounds no matter what the dictionaries explain about the correct pronunciation.
Anyway, the pronunciation of English differs from country to country.
My client's country has the largest number of English speakers today, and whatever way they speak will soon be the norm and not a fault.
" "In a lighter vein, the English conjugations can be copulative, adversative, casual and alternative.
" "Lastly, while growing up, we all have committed grammar felonies of different degree in school and college.
There are many grammar vandals at large in the world and our own country, and it is grossly unfair to single out my client.
I, therefore, request the jury to exonerate my client on all counts, and the Judge to dismiss the case with costs.
The defense rests.
" The jury is still out.
I'm waiting with bated breath to hear their verdict.
Any article or statement about grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one error, according to Mc Kean's law.
The above paragraphs may contain a bagful of errors, for I am writing about grammar, which I know very little of, and I am a terribly confused man myself.
Source...