It is commonly understood that kids raised in an agricultural environment generally are better behaved, more responsible, and have a better work ethic.
While this is not always the case, it is correct frequently enough to have the rest of us look closely at their situation and wonder how we can apply the same successful tools to our kids who are not raised out in the country.
There are many common denominators among rural kids that come to mind including: chores that must be done or animals or crops will perish, working with their parents, etc.
The guiding principle of this lifestyle, however, has to be seen as a process where both the children and the parents are acting in a way that is fully understood by each other.
Communication, at whatever level, is the most important facet of a successful parent child outcome.
Parents from a rural or farm background have learned that to control their animals, in this case we will talk about horses, they need to speak a language that is understood by the animal.
Oft times this is a non verbal language learned by the human by keen observation of the animals involved.
Wild mustangs brought in off the range are a classic example of the challenges that parents may face with their teens in these times, "after they are already out of control.
" They tend to be wild, unresponsive to handlers, immune to suggestion or direction, and self-destructive in their attempts to have their own way.
Rules or structure mean nothing to them and in the overall come to a point where it is easy to imagine that they hate the person or persons who are trying hardest to keep them on a path that will bring them happiness and success.
The wild horse is herded into an empty round corral with high, solid sides.
An experienced trainer then enters into the round pen and, in rough numbers, forty minutes later walks around the corral with the formerly wild animal following them like a lifelong pet.
The process is called "joining up.
" How did they do that? There is little in life that has the appearance of magic more than a true horse whisperer with a wild horse.
We see similar, if slower, results with teens when they are introduced to someone who truly can get them to "join up" with the family, school, or significant others in their lives.
The trainer begins the process by getting him moving in the right direction (in the case of horses around the corral) almost immediately the horse will want to stop but the trainer doesn't allow it to have its way and continues to push him in the desired direction at a ever increasing or at least a consistent pace.
The trainers approach is friendly but firm.
After the animal becomes tired he will actually turn and face the trainer acting as if it will go no further.
The trainer, if inexperienced, will see this as a sign of wanting to be friends and allow the horse to stop.
However, as soon as the animal is rested the same old behaviors return except for now it knows how to get out of the process: say or do whatever is being asked for at the moment, and then when you have had your way you can return to your old path.
The experienced trainer, however, goes right after the horse and pushes him to proceed again down the desired path.
The animal will try repeatedly to stop but is pushed back into the desired course with the determined look and actions of the trainer.
Throughout the process, the trainer is watching for signs of real change in the animal.
In horses it is cocking the near-side ear back to listen to the trainer, and then a chewing action that looks a great deal like an attempt to talk.
Finally, a dropping of the head in an up and down motion to show that the animal is tired of the process and would like to "join up" with the trainer and create an understanding between them.
This is the moment when the trainer steps forward and stops the animal in its tracks.
Then, ever so slowly, walks toward the horse with hand outstretched and offering friendship.
If the horse accepts, then a bond is formalized and a miracle has happened.
If the horse jumps away or shies, then it's back to the process again.
This continues until the horse and the trainer communicate fully and become one in the join up.
With that the trainer turns his back to the formerly wild animal and walks away.
The horse usually will have his face right at the trainer's back pocket and will follow where it is led.
It will do as expected by its herd mate, who obviously understands its needs and, even if not a friend, is seen to be someone who understands what he is trying to communicate.
The animal feels safe and in good company.
Basic principles, then, express themselves and relate to both horses and kids who are out of control: 1) Start them down the path that they should follow.
2) Keep your voice low but firm, yelling accomplishes nothing.
3) Don't let them stop just because they are lazy or defiant.
4) Don't let their behavior affect yours.
But rather visa versa.
5) Don't let them believe that they are in control but that they are in the presence of someone who cares.
6) Remember that their former behaviors are self destructive and dangerous.
Yield not at all.
7) Watch carefully for signs that they want to comply but that their former behaviors are still directing them.
Look for signs of real change.
Stay firm but begin to lessen the intensity of your approach.
8) Let them understand that as they continue to comply the general atmosphere becomes more friendly and cooperative.
9) Finally, let them see that you and you alone will step in to save them in return for friendship and cooperation.
As with horses, it must be clear that the younger the child the better and quicker the outcome.
A 9 year old just starting to drift will join up faster than a 17 year old already out of control.
It still works, but it is a lot slower and more distressing.