This is Part 2 of a 4 part online course. Learn more about the structure, length, and overview of this course.

Four Weeks to Work Through Conflict With a Friend: Part 2

When you talk with a friend after an argument, your tone, approach, and intentions are all things that can help you work toward a resolution. If any of these components comes across as aggressive or negative, however, talking with your friend will only extend the argument.

How to Discuss the Situation Calmly and Rationally

Don't you hate it when someone tells you to "calm down" when you're upset? What they really want is for you to take a step back and look at the situation rationally. It's hard to do, especially when your emotions are giving you the go-ahead to yell or cry. Allow yourself the time to process your emotions. Don't try to "stuff" them or skip over them, because they will still be there, even if you mask them.

However, when you've allowed yourself time to "feel" the pain of the argument, then take a step back silently and by yourself to really get a handle on the situation. Only then will you be able to discuss things rationally with your friend. It's okay to tell your friend you are hurt, but be sure to be specific as to why:

• "I felt left out when you went to lunch with Sally but didn't invite me."
• "It hurt my feelings when you didn't show up to my exhibit."
• "I felt out of place when you ignored me at the party and didn't introduce me to anyone."

 

Remember that the point of discussing the argument is to make your friendship better. It isn't to bring out old grudges, but if you haven't worked through something that happened in a past fight, be careful about how you bring it up now. A good way to mention it is to say something like:

• "I never told you this before, but when you made that joke about my weight, it hurt my feelings. Now, I feel like this has happened again. I don't want it to be a reoccurring problem with us, so I'd like to discuss it."
• "I was upset that you didn't support me when I told you I was getting married, and now that the wedding is here you seem to be pulling away from me. I didn't tell you this earlier, because I thought maybe it was no big deal, but I'm realizing that it is a big deal. Can we discuss this?"

 

Allow yourself time to be angry, but don't wallow in the feeling. There is a fine line between processing your emotions and stewing in your anger. If you do the latter, you'll make the argument bigger than it needs to be.

Go to Part 3 >>

Four Weeks to Work Through Conflict With a Friend
Introduction
Part 1: What Is the Fight Really About?
Part 2: How to Discuss the Situation Calmly and Rationally
Part 3: How to Apologize (or Accept an Apology) So You Can Move Forward
Part 4: Nurture Your Friendship So You Have Less Conflict Going Forward