Question:
My in-laws don't know that I am an atheist ? should I tell them?

 

Response:
So, you've decided that you cannot rationally or reasonably continue with the religion you used to follow and to which your spouse's family continues to belong. Indeed, you can't even continue to call yourself a theist anymore ? you find belief in the existence of God to be unreasonable for one reason or another have to abandon the label altogether.


Your in-laws, however, are believers ? perhaps even devout believers ? and you don't know how they will react to your atheism.

So, now what? What do you do?

That's a difficult question to answer, especially when it comes to family. Telling your in-laws that you do not share their religion (or any religion) or even belief in the existence of their god may not be an easy thing, either for you or for them. Religion is important for many people: it is where many believe they derive their morals, their values, their meaning of life, even their purpose for living. They cannot imagine being without it and so naturally will have great difficulty imagining you without it. Because of this, it may seem easier to simply "stay in the closet" and not tell anyone.

Sometimes, this may be a reasonable course of action ? but aside from extreme situations (like being financially or otherwise dependent upon your in-laws) you should consider carefully before going too far down that path. After all, it does carry with it a lot of problems you may not want to deal with later on.

For one thing, you may develop a great deal of resentment towards your spouse's family because you feel like they are forcing you to "live a lie" by pretending to still be religious. For another, in the future you may be expected to do things which you find objectionable, like going to church or participating in religious ceremonies. If you eventually do tell your in-laws about your atheism, you may find it difficult to explain that you have been a nonbeliever for years or even decades without ever having said anything.

All of this can be psychologically and emotionally draining, especially when it occurs over a long period of time. On the other hand, perhaps there are members of your spouse's family who also have doubts or who disbelieve ? by speaking up, you will find that you share more in common with them and will also help them come to terms with who they are.

Because there are good reasons both for keeping quiet and for speaking up, you have to exercise careful judgment before telling people. Remember that your atheism doesn't just affect you ? by telling others, you are fundamentally altering your relationship with your religious family members.

Perhaps people shouldn't take it personally that you are trying to find your own path, but the fact of the matter is they probably will, and you should take their feelings into consideration. By that I don't mean that you should stop being an atheist or necessarily continue to pretend being something you are not, but you should take others' feelings into account in the way you phrase things and how much you tell them.

For example, you should avoid attacking their religion. Even if you have come to conclude that it is evil, saying so will only exacerbate the conflicts being created and the confusion being experienced by them. It would also be wise not to take this opportunity to try and deconvert others from their religion. They are still dealing with the shock of your atheism ? don't make it worse for them. In taking the high road, you will also be showing that being an atheist doesn't make you an immoral or rude person.

Aside from thinking about the feelings of your in-laws before you tell them, there are a number of others things you should consider in advance. For example, you should be prepared for the possibility of some relatives trying to give you arguments for why you should continue believing. You needn't be able to thoroughly refute them all, especially at the time of your announcement, but it would be good if you could demonstrate that these arguments aren't rock-solid and that doubt about them is reasonable. In doing so, you can establish that not believing is itself reasonable and that you aren't being perverse or rebellious for rejecting those arguments.

You'll also need to mentally prepare yourself for the inevitable confrontation. You don't want to look nervous and uncertain ? that only opens the door for your family not taking your atheism seriously. You need to be firm and confident about what you are saying. Admit that you don't know all the answers to all the questions, but point out that they don't, either. Explain to them that you have adopted a position that you consider most reasonable and that you might change it later on if you find good reason to do so, but in the meantime, this is where you are and they will need to learn to accept it.

Hopefully, you will all be able to use this as an experience for growing and learning. Good luck!