Games to Play with Cold Callers
There you are, just about to sit down to your dinner, maybe with a forkful of food halfway to your mouth when...
RINGRINGRING! How do they *know* when you are about to eat?Or go to the bathroom?Or the baby is almost asleep?Seriously, how do they KNOW???? Over the years, in the spirit of "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade", I have come to view cold callers as a form of in-house entertainment.
Seriously.
They are there, it's their phone bill, so hey!Why not?Here are some of my favourite games to play: Head of the House When they ask to speak to the head of the household, I would hand them over to my 3 year old son.
He just *loved* to talk!He'd tell them all about his Action Man games, his friend Matthew's scab and that we were having sausages for tea.
Whenever they would ask to be handed back to mummy or daddy, he would (suitably primed beforehand) burst into theatrical tears about how they didn't like him, and mummy would *never* buy something from someone who upset him.
He loved it, and usually got a very interesting 10 minute conversation out of them.
We'd hold competitions to see which company had the most tolerant office staff.
Nuclear Bunker Only works if you answer the phone with an anonymous, "Hello?".
When they start the sales spiel, cut through their conversation and ask them where they got this number.
Tell them it's highly classified.
We often used to get double-glazing salesmen whose standard spiel involved asking how many windows and doors you would like replaced.
I would tell them that we didn't have any windows, and that "the only door was a six-foot thick blast door built to withstand a several hundred megaton groundhit.
And how exactly did you get the number of Bunker HQ, and don't you KNOW we are in the middle of a critical political situation right now?Get off this line immediately!The Commander-in-Chief may be trying to call!".
Extra points if you convince them that Nuclear War is about to start.
Peter the Cucumber Needs two people on different extensions of the same phone line.
Conversation goes like this: Cold caller: Hello, I am phoning today with a wonderful offer...
Ext 1: Sorry, we're a bit busy today.
Cold caller: Oh, well, I won't take up muc of your...
Ext 2: (In an odd "Eccles on Acid" sort of a voice) My name is Peter you know.
I have a cucumber.
Cold caller: What?Sorry? Ext 2: They talk to me.
When I'm sleeping.
The voices of the cucumbers are strong and slow...
Cold caller: Errr..
..
Ext 1: Oh GOD!She's out again!Get the ropes!Quickly!Before she...
Ext 2: The cucurbits of wonder!Embrace me now!!! Cold caller:I'll call back, shall I? Ext 1 & 2: *Vague disembodied screaming* Have You Seen The Light? Works best if you can talk about religion.
If you are a non-evangelical Christian like me, you may find this disturbing.
I only ever did it once...
When they ask if they can talk to you about double-glazing, or mediterranean holidays or whatever, say "Yes, as long as I can talk to you about Jesus first".
Sniffing someone who may well stay on the line, they'll go along with it.
Start coming on like a bad tv evangelist.
Ask them about the state of their marriage, their level of sin, whether they've been Saved and how turning to Christ is a wonderful experience.
Just keep yattering about religion until they get bored and hang up.
Well, that's the plan.
What actually happened to me was that I actually converted a telesales woman on the phone, who ended up crying and turning to Christ.
I'm pretty anti-evangelical, so found it rather disturbing and ended up recommending she find a vicar and talk to him about her troubles.
She never did get round to selling me whatever it was, but she seemed fairly calm at the end of the phone call...
I imagine that this would be less worrying if one chose the "Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" or something similar.
I haven't personally been touched by his noodly appendage, but I imagine that there are 1000's of cold callers out there who haven't seen that particular light...
Brutal Honesty I did this one about an hour ago on a woman who phoned up to advise me that I'd won the first prize of a holiday in an internet promotion, and all I had to do was phone a "freephone number" to collect it.
I pointed out that I didn't phone random numbers given out to me as they could be a scam.
She went very quiet.
I also pointed out that I could hear at least three separate voices in the background all telling people that they had won a first prize.
I pointed out that they had a LOT of "first" prizes, didn't they?A lot of silence, and a slightly disappointed "oh" before she hung up.
So remember, every cold call is an opportunity for funfunFUN! But don't make the same mistake we did, and be so entertaining that 7 people from the same call centre call you up, one after the other to see what you do this time...
RINGRINGRING! How do they *know* when you are about to eat?Or go to the bathroom?Or the baby is almost asleep?Seriously, how do they KNOW???? Over the years, in the spirit of "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade", I have come to view cold callers as a form of in-house entertainment.
Seriously.
They are there, it's their phone bill, so hey!Why not?Here are some of my favourite games to play: Head of the House When they ask to speak to the head of the household, I would hand them over to my 3 year old son.
He just *loved* to talk!He'd tell them all about his Action Man games, his friend Matthew's scab and that we were having sausages for tea.
Whenever they would ask to be handed back to mummy or daddy, he would (suitably primed beforehand) burst into theatrical tears about how they didn't like him, and mummy would *never* buy something from someone who upset him.
He loved it, and usually got a very interesting 10 minute conversation out of them.
We'd hold competitions to see which company had the most tolerant office staff.
Nuclear Bunker Only works if you answer the phone with an anonymous, "Hello?".
When they start the sales spiel, cut through their conversation and ask them where they got this number.
Tell them it's highly classified.
We often used to get double-glazing salesmen whose standard spiel involved asking how many windows and doors you would like replaced.
I would tell them that we didn't have any windows, and that "the only door was a six-foot thick blast door built to withstand a several hundred megaton groundhit.
And how exactly did you get the number of Bunker HQ, and don't you KNOW we are in the middle of a critical political situation right now?Get off this line immediately!The Commander-in-Chief may be trying to call!".
Extra points if you convince them that Nuclear War is about to start.
Peter the Cucumber Needs two people on different extensions of the same phone line.
Conversation goes like this: Cold caller: Hello, I am phoning today with a wonderful offer...
Ext 1: Sorry, we're a bit busy today.
Cold caller: Oh, well, I won't take up muc of your...
Ext 2: (In an odd "Eccles on Acid" sort of a voice) My name is Peter you know.
I have a cucumber.
Cold caller: What?Sorry? Ext 2: They talk to me.
When I'm sleeping.
The voices of the cucumbers are strong and slow...
Cold caller: Errr..
..
Ext 1: Oh GOD!She's out again!Get the ropes!Quickly!Before she...
Ext 2: The cucurbits of wonder!Embrace me now!!! Cold caller:I'll call back, shall I? Ext 1 & 2: *Vague disembodied screaming* Have You Seen The Light? Works best if you can talk about religion.
If you are a non-evangelical Christian like me, you may find this disturbing.
I only ever did it once...
When they ask if they can talk to you about double-glazing, or mediterranean holidays or whatever, say "Yes, as long as I can talk to you about Jesus first".
Sniffing someone who may well stay on the line, they'll go along with it.
Start coming on like a bad tv evangelist.
Ask them about the state of their marriage, their level of sin, whether they've been Saved and how turning to Christ is a wonderful experience.
Just keep yattering about religion until they get bored and hang up.
Well, that's the plan.
What actually happened to me was that I actually converted a telesales woman on the phone, who ended up crying and turning to Christ.
I'm pretty anti-evangelical, so found it rather disturbing and ended up recommending she find a vicar and talk to him about her troubles.
She never did get round to selling me whatever it was, but she seemed fairly calm at the end of the phone call...
I imagine that this would be less worrying if one chose the "Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" or something similar.
I haven't personally been touched by his noodly appendage, but I imagine that there are 1000's of cold callers out there who haven't seen that particular light...
Brutal Honesty I did this one about an hour ago on a woman who phoned up to advise me that I'd won the first prize of a holiday in an internet promotion, and all I had to do was phone a "freephone number" to collect it.
I pointed out that I didn't phone random numbers given out to me as they could be a scam.
She went very quiet.
I also pointed out that I could hear at least three separate voices in the background all telling people that they had won a first prize.
I pointed out that they had a LOT of "first" prizes, didn't they?A lot of silence, and a slightly disappointed "oh" before she hung up.
So remember, every cold call is an opportunity for funfunFUN! But don't make the same mistake we did, and be so entertaining that 7 people from the same call centre call you up, one after the other to see what you do this time...
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