Updated May 28, 2014.

Grief is often a part of caregiving. Sometimes we lose not a person, but a part of our life when those we love have changed abilities, or we lose our dream from what we thought our life would be. And sometimes our loved one dies.

If a friend recently lost someone close to them, it can be hard to know what to say. While each situation is different, and what would be helpful to one person would be horribly painful to another, here are some general guidelines many grieving people will agree on:

Tip #1: Don’t say “I know how you feel.”  Please.

I lost two partners in a row to cancer, both at age 38. It was a situation that was random and bizarre as it was painful yet still, inexplicably I heard the words “I know just how you feel.” Even if you’ve sustained a similar loss, you don’t know how the person feels, and it can be very painful to hear the misunderstanding inherent in that statement. Interestingly, I know two people other people who both have lost both partners. Both of them said something like “I know our situations are in some ways different but even though I don’t know exactly how you feel I know that the pain is very very deep.” Compare that to an actual email from a friend who said “I know exactly how you feel because my cat had cancer and she was taken from us too soon.”

Tip #2: Use caution when making comparisons.

The most common way this is happens is the attempted pet/human loss comfort statement. Like when someone says  “Oh I am sorry you mom passed away, I know what that’s like because I was  so sad when my dog died.”

Love for pets is real, deep and very strong. And losing a pet is a terrible thing, no question. And still, making that comparison is very seldom helpful to a grieving person. I get where it comes from: many people, especially younger people haven’t ever lost anyone close to them but they have lost a pet and they remember it hurt like bananas. These comparisons are often an attempt to connect.

You can use this shared experience of emotional loss to help deepen your understanding of your grieving friend; but it should probably be an INSIDE thought. Trust me on this one.

Tip #3:  Unless you know it is specifically welcomed, keep religion or any statements of your belief about the afterlife and/or the reasoning behind death out of your conversation.

If you know that the person shares your believe that “He’s in a better place” go ahead, say it. But if there's any question? Keep it to yourself for now. Even statements like “I’ll be praying for you” can be hard to hear in raw grief if prayer is not that person’s jam. “I’m thinking about you” is often a suitable substitute that doesn’t introduce religion into the conversation. There are lots of statements, too, that don’t use the word “God” or “faith” but still espouse a particular philosophical point of view that, again, can be very hard to hear unless they it is definitely a shared point of view: 

• Everything happens for a reason
• We are never give more than we can handle
• The universe provides.

Tip #4: Stick with an expression of concern that acknowledges the loss.

For example:

• I’m sorry, that sucks.

Not your style? How about:

• I don’t know what to say that would be helpful but you need to know how sorry I am.
• I am sorry, so sorry.
• I’m sorry.I can’t even imagine what you’re going through

Feel free, if appropriate, to extend a general offer of help followed with a specific example of a way you can help (tons of suggestions here and here).

The variations on the theme of “I’m sorry, that sucks” often feel inadequate to us because we’re unaccustomed, in much of mainstream Western culture, to holding pain instead of attempting to fix it.

But when grief is raw, just being present can be a huge gift.