How did I end up in depression? My life has been busy for many years, serving and ministering in church; working fulltime in church, involved in many areas of ministries, travel a lot with the church team and ministered in different nations.
Life seemed so fruitful and busy.
But things began to change.
I lost my own vision.
I was lost indeed.
No more sense of purpose and direction in life.
My personal dreams and visions were dead.
And age is catching-up fast.
No more future.
I felt so hopeless and miserable.
Life has no more meaning.
Time passed so fast! Am I going to die like this? Am I going to die and leave nothing behind, noon would remember, no story to tell and no legacy, just die as an ordinarily!!! Really feeling like a failure at the end of the day, accomplishing nothing in life.
And I was not able to tell why I was born, why am here.
What is the purpose of God created me? I am so lost I have no tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" was just another day.
I don't look forward to it at all.
I felt so tired.
I didn't feel like waking up and just wanted to sleep my days through.
I felt like crying all the time.
I was almost constantly sad and nothing seemed to make me happy anymore.
When I was alone I started to think of things and cried over them, and I cried myself to sleep most of the time.
I regretted over many things.
I was upset and did not understand why others didn't listen properly to what I was saying.
Why couldn't they understand me? I always felt guilty and I was such a burden to people around me.
Self-searching made me more confused.
Who am I? Am I a melancholy? Am I a sanguine? Am I a phlegmatic? Some say I am a melancholic, some say I am a san, some say I am phlegmatic I continued to search by reading more books on personality, Childhood memory, Birth Order, and etc.
I was so confused that I was neither this nor that.
What am I then? Where do I stand? Who am I? I thought to myself, why are you so complicated? Why are you so hard to be understood, why are you making things so difficult for yourself? Not just feeling confused, I get so frustrated, so angry within, just don't understand why? I find it so hard to express myself I don't know how to explain to others how I feel.
I don't know what is happening so how can I tell.
I know I am sad.
Why? How come? What it is that makes me sad? How sad? What kind of sad? I can't explain I can't tell.
But it's there all the time.
When I am alone I just stare in to the space.
I can see through everything thing and everyone as if they don't exist.
I can just stare and when blank.
I lost appetite and the interest in food.
Eating is not a joy anymore.
I just eat for the sake of eating, forcing food down the throat and feeling full easily.
I started to isolate myself because I couldn't seem to cope with many people around.
At home I just lock myself inside my room, off the lights and pretending that I am sleeping early.
I like to be alone most of the time.
I began to lose sleep, hardly have any sleep for a long period of time.
Lying down on bed I begin to think and cry again and again.
Why must I live! Thoughts of death and suicide run all over my mind.
How did I end up in depression [http://www.
faithfoo.
com/depression]? Step by step as it happened, little by little I begin to enter into depression for a long period of time.
Thank God that He made a way for me.
Some how someone tell me that this dear friend is coming back from US, and if I would like to talk to him and seek some counsel from him.
Thing was arranged and we communicated through email before he is back to Malaysia.
I am so thankful for this dear friend of mine who are so willing to sacrifice his time to meet with me and have a session of sharing and counselling.
With his training and wisdom he opened my mind to think differently and bring about a new understanding to my thinking all together.
I believe God has advance plan all this before me.
He opened my eyes to see who I am.
He teach me to think "and" instead of "or".
I can be a melancholic and a san.
When Faith is with people she like and comfortable with she is a san.
When Faith is with certain situation or people she is a melancholic.
And when I am all alone I am melancholic again.
To think in terms of "and" will free our mind and not lock ourselves to a certain type of personality or mould.
And few more things that he has freed me from his wise advice and counsel.
I begin to understand the changes that happen in my life and emotion.
And know very well that I am a alien living in the planet.
The things I experience and struggle in life, many have faced it too.
Even before my meeting with this dear friend of mine.
God has started to work.
He sent people to encourage me to take singing class.
She did not just encourage she took practical steps to help me to get the right teacher and financially sponsored me to go for it.
I thank God for this sister who took the practical step and God who lead me to the right teacher.
Since I started to learn singing I begin to find purpose of living again.
I have a vision, goal and dream now.
I have something to pursue.
My teacher is so encouraging within a month time he begin to show me where I can go and how to go about setting my goal in my singing career.
He showed me the possible plan for me to achieve in this time of my life.
I find meaning of living again.
I know where to go.
I know what to do.
Someone show me the way step by step and is possible to achieve.
I can do something I can achieve something.
I can leave a legacy before I die!!! As I am writing this, I have obtained my Grade 8 certificate in singing where I started from zero one and half year ago.
Singing gives me so much joy and become a source of energy for me to draw life from.
Finally I found myself again, my purpose of living, my reason of living.
I am alive again!!!