Talking to your elderly parents about lifestyle and money
There comes a time in your life when your parents are older and you are watching over them like they may have done for you when you were younger. You worry about them taking their medicines, about eating right, about falls in their home, and about whether they can live on their own any more without assistance. You may also be concerned about whether they are paying their bills or handling their health insurance claims. Another concern is if they can still drive and be safe.
While this is a normal part of the "sandwich generation" where you are looking out for your children and also for your older parents, it is still a difficult time in your life. Of course, your parents wish to keep their independence for as long as possible, just like your children are trying to become more independent from you. Both parents and your children, while appreciating your concern, may resent your intrusion. This article will focus on your parents' feelings about and responses to your concerns.
Making the determination of whether your parents can live on their own depends on their own general health and whether they have their mental abilities still about them. Have they been exhibiting an ability to cook for themselves, clean up after themselves? Are their clothes clean? Is there food in the house for them to eat? Is their mail taken in on a regular basis? Is their bathroom clean? Are they able to get to the store on a regular basis? Are they able to remember to take the medicines prescribed by their physician? If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then your parents may be able to stay on their own for a while.
However, if you notice a deficiency in any of those areas, it is possible that you parents can still live on their own in their own home, but they may need some assistance, ranging from someone who can clean their home, take them to the store to someone who is on site every day for a certain number of hours a day to having a 24/7 live in assistant. Many times parents may be resistant to this help, which is not deemed to be a positive step for them. While you are looking at it as it helps your parents out and they can continue to live in their own home (both positive steps), your parents may look at it as a loss of their independence and privacy. They might have to acknowledge that they are "slipping", which is a scary concept to them.
If your parents are unwilling to talk with you about it or become agitated with you, one option in dealing with these issues is to hire a person, a geriatric specialist, who can evaluate their situation and make the determination of just how much assistance is needed so that your parents can stay as independent as possible. There are people who may be trained as geriatric nurses, who have a specialty in geriatric psychology, who can visit with you and your parents so that a joint plan that is agreeable to all the parties can be devised. These same people have contacts to help you locate that perfect person to help out—one that your parents will like.
Sometimes, you need help to have those conversations with your parents, when your roles have been reversed. It can give all the parties a better point of view, and give you piece of mind.
While everyone has been raised a little differently, most of the prior generation has tended to keep their finances very private. Parents in most cases have not ever spoken with their children about what their assets and liabilities are, much less what their income and expenses are. To ask about these things is not deemed to be "polite conversation". Yet, as our parents age, how do you know whether your parents are paying their bills or even have enough money to pay their bills? If they needed extra care, could they afford it? Is their home paid for?
Handling your own finances is one of the badges of independence that you possess. It is difficult to have those discussions with your parents about their finances. There are several suggestions that may be helpful. One may be that you have recently worked with a financial planner on your own finances and were very pleased. You may suggest that your parents do the same and maybe use the same person for their financial planning.
Another suggestion might be that you have also done your estate planning, perhaps using a living trust as part of your estate planning. You may suggest that your parents should consider doing that, as well, which would protect the surviving spouse and make sure that their bills are paid during times of infirmity. As part of the estate planning process, your parents will need to name successor trustees to themselves, which will probably be you. That will at least ensure that you will be able to take over for them in the event that they are no longer able to act. Most trusts have language whereby their children and your parents' physician determine when they no longer have the mental capacity to act as trustee.
Sometimes, with a living trust in place, a recalcitrant parent may find it acceptable to allow you to be a co-trustee with that parent while they are alive. This may allow you to gain access to their financial records to make sure their bills are paid, that checks have been deposited and their financial investments properly monitored. Sometimes that parent is gradually just losing interest in taking care of paying the bills. Perhaps, you can offer to write out the checks for the bills for their signature, as a first step in having the parent accept your assistance.
There is no magic formula for breaking the ice on this subject. There is also no magic age that turning over management of financial assets should take place. We have all seen cases of parents in their 90's still being sharp and perfectly capable of taking care of their own finances. We have also seen cases where the parent is in their 70's and is not capable of doing so, due to physical or mental infirmity.
You will know when it is time. Using your own case as an example of you doing financial planning or estate planning may open the door to conversations with your parents that may result in their financial futures being properly managed and having an adequate plan for the future.
While this is a normal part of the "sandwich generation" where you are looking out for your children and also for your older parents, it is still a difficult time in your life. Of course, your parents wish to keep their independence for as long as possible, just like your children are trying to become more independent from you. Both parents and your children, while appreciating your concern, may resent your intrusion. This article will focus on your parents' feelings about and responses to your concerns.
Making the determination of whether your parents can live on their own depends on their own general health and whether they have their mental abilities still about them. Have they been exhibiting an ability to cook for themselves, clean up after themselves? Are their clothes clean? Is there food in the house for them to eat? Is their mail taken in on a regular basis? Is their bathroom clean? Are they able to get to the store on a regular basis? Are they able to remember to take the medicines prescribed by their physician? If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then your parents may be able to stay on their own for a while.
However, if you notice a deficiency in any of those areas, it is possible that you parents can still live on their own in their own home, but they may need some assistance, ranging from someone who can clean their home, take them to the store to someone who is on site every day for a certain number of hours a day to having a 24/7 live in assistant. Many times parents may be resistant to this help, which is not deemed to be a positive step for them. While you are looking at it as it helps your parents out and they can continue to live in their own home (both positive steps), your parents may look at it as a loss of their independence and privacy. They might have to acknowledge that they are "slipping", which is a scary concept to them.
If your parents are unwilling to talk with you about it or become agitated with you, one option in dealing with these issues is to hire a person, a geriatric specialist, who can evaluate their situation and make the determination of just how much assistance is needed so that your parents can stay as independent as possible. There are people who may be trained as geriatric nurses, who have a specialty in geriatric psychology, who can visit with you and your parents so that a joint plan that is agreeable to all the parties can be devised. These same people have contacts to help you locate that perfect person to help out—one that your parents will like.
Sometimes, you need help to have those conversations with your parents, when your roles have been reversed. It can give all the parties a better point of view, and give you piece of mind.
While everyone has been raised a little differently, most of the prior generation has tended to keep their finances very private. Parents in most cases have not ever spoken with their children about what their assets and liabilities are, much less what their income and expenses are. To ask about these things is not deemed to be "polite conversation". Yet, as our parents age, how do you know whether your parents are paying their bills or even have enough money to pay their bills? If they needed extra care, could they afford it? Is their home paid for?
Handling your own finances is one of the badges of independence that you possess. It is difficult to have those discussions with your parents about their finances. There are several suggestions that may be helpful. One may be that you have recently worked with a financial planner on your own finances and were very pleased. You may suggest that your parents do the same and maybe use the same person for their financial planning.
Another suggestion might be that you have also done your estate planning, perhaps using a living trust as part of your estate planning. You may suggest that your parents should consider doing that, as well, which would protect the surviving spouse and make sure that their bills are paid during times of infirmity. As part of the estate planning process, your parents will need to name successor trustees to themselves, which will probably be you. That will at least ensure that you will be able to take over for them in the event that they are no longer able to act. Most trusts have language whereby their children and your parents' physician determine when they no longer have the mental capacity to act as trustee.
Sometimes, with a living trust in place, a recalcitrant parent may find it acceptable to allow you to be a co-trustee with that parent while they are alive. This may allow you to gain access to their financial records to make sure their bills are paid, that checks have been deposited and their financial investments properly monitored. Sometimes that parent is gradually just losing interest in taking care of paying the bills. Perhaps, you can offer to write out the checks for the bills for their signature, as a first step in having the parent accept your assistance.
There is no magic formula for breaking the ice on this subject. There is also no magic age that turning over management of financial assets should take place. We have all seen cases of parents in their 90's still being sharp and perfectly capable of taking care of their own finances. We have also seen cases where the parent is in their 70's and is not capable of doing so, due to physical or mental infirmity.
You will know when it is time. Using your own case as an example of you doing financial planning or estate planning may open the door to conversations with your parents that may result in their financial futures being properly managed and having an adequate plan for the future.
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