Personal and business communication skills are always challenged when there are intense conversations? Such as YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN! You Really don't listen! These are the words that she intensely yelled at me as I was listening to her.
I said with confidence, " I listen, I'm telling you what you should do.
"She stated with frustration in her voice, "Rick, you just don't listen" Listening to another may be very challenging as I found out before enhancing my listening abilities, especially when we may be triggered by what another may say or do.
Below are some simple tips to making listening fun and effective.
Practicing the suggestions below will bring about a whole new paradigm to your skills.
Be patient and try one at a time.
Remember, new skills take time to learn.
These personal communication skills may be used with family or in business communication.
1.
Before listening to others, take a minute to calm yourself.
Ask yourself, what are my intentions? Take a few deep breaths.
As you are breathing, ask yourself after each breath, what am I needing ? Maybe you are wanting calm, ease, some support? This is a calming technique to connect with yourself before trying it with another.
Let's use the example of your child coming home from school crying.
Before speaking a word to your child, take a moment to calm yourself.
Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself, what am I needing now? Take another deep breath .
Feel calmer already? Try this now.
Really, try this now.
This step is probably the most important.
Take your time and relax before communicating with others.
2.
When the other person speaks, focus on them.
Many times we think we are listening, yet really are trying to figure out what to say next while the other person is speaking.
To listen deeper, try to understand what the person is going through.
This is called empathy.
All the focus is on them, like a spotlight that can only shine on one person.
Give them the entire spotlight.
Don't worry; you will have your turn to speak.
The deeper you listen and understand the other person, the more they will want to listen to you.
Not a bad trade off.
Take at least 30 seconds of initial listening before you respond to them.
In Dr.
Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication, he suggests," Don't just do something,stand there.
" How we respond is so important.
Offering them empathy is a different type of response than the usual fix it response.
The fix-it response looks like sympathy, one-upping with a story about our experiences or educating them with advice.
STOP, it is time to change this.
These kinds of responses take the spotlight off of the person and change the focus to the listener.
This habit is difficult to change after years of fix-it talk.
Why do we want to fix the problem so quickly? Usually when we are listening, we hear another's painful experience.
Responding with sympathy, advice or a story helps fix this pain for us, yet breaks the connection with the speaker.
Instead put the spotlight back on them.
In listening, responding with less is so very important.
3.
Try to guess their emotions This is the first step to connecting with another.
Ask them; Are you lonely, disappointed, tired, or frustrated? There are many emotions to choose from.
I advise you not to use the word "feelings" in your sentence.
Other emotions may be nervous, aggravated, upset,discouraged or disappointed.
This is only 10% of the connection and remember to ask as a question.
4.
Now the 90%.
Try to guess what values are not being met in the moment.
These are also seen as needs.
Needs are the life energy of every human being.
When our values are met we feel energized, not met energy is being depleted.
Such as if my need for food is met I feel comfortable.
If my need for food is not met, I feel cranky or uncomfortable.
Notice that when my needs are met, my feelings are positive, not met then negative.
Same with honesty and any other value or need.
I f my value for honesty is met my myself or another, my energy level ises, if not my energy level goes down.
5.
Try to guess what may meet their needs with strategies.
Once you have identified their needs; it is very probable that they want to find a way to meet their needs.
Remember meeting our needs is energy building.
Who doesn't want to have energy? We meet our needs using strategies.
We again ask the person, not tell them.
Ex.
Do you want to sit down and talk about your report card after dinner or what would you like from me right now? There can be many strategies to meet one's need.
Remember your strategy requests are guesses and not demands.
Example with Family: Your child comes home and is crying showing you a report card.
Can you guess what needs of theirs have not been met? Maybe they need understanding, compassion, support, ease or communication to talk about it.
Maybe even safety.
So we ask the child, are you wanting (communication) to talk about your report card? Remember it is a guess and just the intention of trying to connect with your child may also meet needs for compassion and safety.
Guessing incorrectly is fine in that it helps the speaker connect with his or her own needs that may be missing.
The intention to understand another is the most important characteristic of listening.
Remember, in step number one, try to clear your mind of any judgments or strategies of the other, so that you have an open mind and intention to listen with the spotlight on them.
Example:Your customer, client or patient is angry and shows you a mistake on their bill.
Empathy Statement: (Observation) So when you see the mistake on your bill are you (emotion) upset because you really (need)value accuracy and the time to have to deal with this mistake?With this empathy statement we offer the observation to make sure we are both discussing the same thing, check in with emotion and the need to establish connection and trust.
Now we can go to strategy to fix the problem, but first we wantthe customer to realize we have understood them.
The person that told me, "I don't listen," is still friends after 5 years when this incident happened.
Over coffee while we are talking, she now says, "Rick I would enjoy hearing from you.
" Now these are personal communication skills that really work..
Try them in you business or with family and friends.
We all want to be heard and understood.
Build a better relationship and trust now.
Good luck to you.