Many times I imagined ways by which I could commit suicide without appearing like I was committing suicide, but making it look like it was an accident.
I knew I should not commit suicide.
I was only imagining impossible things because I wanted to die.
But I knew I couldn't.
I had the obligation to continue.
Besides, where would I go? To a worse place, without any doubt, because I saw that things could always be worse.
Yes, first of all, I admit I didn't commit suicide because I was afraid of the future.
What if I would realize that I had made a very big mistake, but couldn't change it anymore? What if things would be much worse after death, especially, after a suicide? I was always afraid of everything because I saw from the first days of my life that people in this planet are dangerous.
My father was crazy and was always fighting with my mother.
In Sao Paulo (Brazil) where I was born and grew up, there were many dirty beggars and even kids without shoes in the dirty streets, asking for food...
I was always afraid of everything and always very careful.
That's why I didn't fall into the trap of my wild conscience.
I obeyed the directions I received in dreams from the wise unconscious instead of becoming schizophrenic.
So, I had the obligation to continue, curing other people and writing a complicated scientific book to prove everything I discovered, by continuing Carl Jung's research in the unknown region of our psychic sphere...
I couldn't abandon the battle.
But I only wanted to abandon everything and die because I couldn't bear that life...
I didn't want to be a hero.
Nevertheless, since I understood that I had the obligation to continue and I have a son who depends on me, especially because his father died, it meant that I had to be a super mom-I knew I couldn't commit suicide.
But many times during the day or the night, I imagined several ways by which I could commit suicide, fixating on this as if it was a hobby...
This is tragic, but I had to continue and I don't know how I continued.
However, after the worst and unbearable part, the compensation arrived! I was able to help many people solve their terrible problems.
People had problems even worse than mine; the people who only wanted to die...
I felt ashamed of my imagination when one of my friend's and patient's sister committed suicide.
I followed this case as if I were a part of the family and offered support to her husband and baby who was only 4 months old at the time when the mother committed suicide by jumping from the last floor of their building.
This tragic event was so tragic that never again in my life could I accept even to imagine doing such a thing! I can't tell you anything about this case because it is confidential.
But believe me, a suicide is more than terrible! Those who commit suicide simply kill the others that loved them; they ruin all their lives.
Now, when I think of what could have happened with the mother, I can't imagine anything good either.
And I'll tell you what, now that I have already passed through so much pain, transformed my psyche and become so calm and able to help so much people through dream interpretation, I understand how important my persistence was.
Time gives us a reward if we continue, even when things are simply unbearable.