Newlyweds Expert Note: This is part of a column on common problems that real couples face and the advice that couples therapists and psychologists offer to solve them. I interviewed the therapist via e-mail to get the information necessary to write the story. The names and identifying characteristics of the couples are changed to protect their privacy, and sometimes they are based on a composite of many couples the therapist has seen over the years.

The Problem: Because husband and wife both want to avoid conflict at all costs, they are failing to deal with the emotional baggage brought on by an affair that threatened the marriage years ago.

The Couple's Story: Jay cheated on Shannon years ago, but she can't get over it. He is reluctant to talk about it, and she does not want to fight. Both of them grew up in homes with parents, who often yelled it out, and they do not want to repeat the pattern. But, as so often happens, they have gone to the other extreme by not addressing a serious event that is causing a major rift in their relationship. They're not communicating, so intimacy is stalled. And they must live with an ever-present, palpable tension as their emotional baggage sits, unpacked for what seems like eons, in the corner of their living room so to speak. In an effort to save their marriage, they sought help from Tabitha Johnson, a marriage and family therapist at Family Therapy Associates of Jacksonville.

The Diagnosis: Resentment and mistrust, both of which have built up over the years, are consuming this marriage.

Shannon thinks Jay is always lying to her, and Jay feels that he can never do anything right because of one betrayal that happened a long, long time ago. As a result, he has become complacent in the relationship. He does not even want to make an effort. Meanwhile, Shannon finds herself pulling away from Jay and "checking out of the marriage" at times, writes Johnson in an e-mail. If the couple cannot be vulnerable with one another and openly speak about the past, then their relationship will remain unchanged and neither one of them will be happy or fulfilled in the marriage. 

The Solution: Even though Jay was the cheater, both partners have to take responsibility for their behavior - and make some changes. "Shannon has to stop being so critical of Jay, and begin to identify those things that he’s currently doing right in the relationship," writes Johnson. "Jay has to realize that his affair has long-term consequences for his marriage, and has to become more patient with Shannon, provide complete transparency (sharing passwords to phone, e-mail, social media, etc.), so that she can see he has nothing to hide, and needs to be willing to answer any questions Shannon has about the affair. Both Shannon and Jay have to be willing to acknowledge the “elephant in the room” and realize that conversations about the affair and their relationship can help them resolve issues from the past, and create a better emotional bond between them and help them move forward."

You might think that addressing a painful memory from the past is going to hurt your relationship. Lots of couples do. But the reality is that being open, communicating, and talking about that "elephant in the room" is the only way to help your marriage, writes Johnson. Of course, you need to work through whatever is holding you back in a healthy way; sometimes, this requires the help of a professional therapist or counselor. You can "unpack" the emotional baggage and even get closer. And this is true even if your baggage includes an infidelity. Researchers, according to Johnson's e-mail, have found that 80 percent of couples who have faced an affair recover and stay together. 

Working through such a betrayal is not easy. You have to do some serious self-reflection. "The most important thing a couple can do after they’ve successfully processed the emotions related to the affair is to critically analyze the relationship leading up to the cheating, and figure out what aspects of their marriage need to improve to prevent an affair happening in the future," writes Johnson. "Frequently (although not always), there are things that might have been lacking in the relationship—quality time alone, date nights, good conversation, emotional or physical intimacy, etc., that need to be addressed and improved upon."

Shannon and Jay managed to work out their differences and unpack their baggage. Their marriage survived, writes Johnson, and they no longer need therapy.