Jealousy is such a complicated emotion.
It never brings out the best in us and there are so many underlying issues that lead to jealousy.
It can fester like a sore, lead to breakups, and make one very angry.
We really don't want to go there.
Let me share a true story with you.
My neighbor is a good friend of mine.
Even though she can be a bit insensitive to the feelings of others, she does have decent qualities, and is a generous soul.
I've known my neighbor about three years, and what is consistent about her, is the green-eyed monster called jealousy that dwells within.
Whenever an attractive woman is in the presence of her husband, my neighbor feels threatened.
At first I would laugh at her suspicions about her husband but as time wore on, I realized this was no laughing matter.
This neighbor has lived in our neighborhood for over ten years.
Since our family was new to the area, I was pleased to have such a friendly next door neighbor.
On evenings when I watered the lawn, my neighbor would come over and chit chat.
"chi chat" included gossip about women in the neighborhood she suspected of being attracted to her husband.
These accusations led to strained relationships between her and these other women.
These women were also married.
She even doubted that his relationship with a married neighbor across the street was innocent.
She accused her husband of spending time with other women when she could not account for his whereabouts.
If he didn't answer his cell phone, he was in the arms of another woman.
Her husband was previously married and has kids with his first wife.
This relationship is also a source of jealousy.
The phone calls, the visits, just knowing that they have access to him is a huge issue.
Being a newbie to the neighborhood, and not really knowing her, concerned me.
I was uncomfortable with the personal disclosures about her marriage and didn't know how to help.
I didn't know her husband either.
But, I already knew intimate details about their life and I thought it was too much too soon.
However, I rationalized that she needed someone to talk to, and I guess I was it.
I empathized, tried to calm her down, and reminded her that he was innocent until proven otherwise.
I wished I didn't know so much.
Time passed by, and the accusations persisted.
I listened and gave what advice I could.
On another occasion, I was outside my home when my neighbor approached.
We chatted as usual, and then she uttered this comment, "you should dress properly in your house.
My husband says you have big breasts, big bottom, and a stomach.
" Then she disappeared into her house before I could collect my thoughts.
I was speechless.
I mulled it over and mentioned it to my husband.
We arrived at the same conclusion.
Is her husband a Peeping Tom? Our kitchen windows are facing each other but still some distance apart.
Our dining room windows are visible from their home.
I had no idea I was being observed.
Like most women, I walk around the house in a t-shirt and panties, or whatever is comfortable.
Should I walk around my house covered up from head to toe to please my neighbor? Of course not.
I'm in my own house and will walk around as I see fit.
Whether I'm butt naked or dressed in dubai kaftan fashion, I'm doing it in the privacy of my own home.
So, I continued as usual, much to the dismay of my neighbor, and soon she gave it up.
I was not going to be bullied by her insecurities or play her silly games.
I'm too much of a woman for that crap.
Someone else moved into the neighborhood about a year and a half ago.
Uh oh! An attractive, single woman in her forties with a career at a leading financial institution.
This neighbor befriended most of us, invited fellow neighbors to barbeques, and was trying her best to get to know the families.
My jealous neighbor's husband, befriended our new neighbor.
She was single, and sometimes needed assistance with something about the house.
At times she asked my husband for help, or someone else.
I had no idea a storm was brewing.
There I was in my kitchen, when my cell phone rang.
It was my jealous neighbor and she was livid.
She demanded to know what kind of relationship the new neighbor had with her husband, and why this woman was so close to her man.
She accused her of being a home wrecker and questioned how come this woman wasn't married at her age? She concluded that our new neighbor was after her man.
At this point, I became a bit weary of yet another accusation and I told her so.
I defended the new girl on the block, and told her these accusations were unfounded and unfair.
The rest is history.
What fuels jealousy? • Fear of loss.
Fear of losing someone you love to someone else.
Realize that the fear has to be neutralized.
Where is the fear coming from? If your partner has made a real commitment to you, then work on relinquishing that fear by trusting more.
• Insecurity.
Insecure about whether your partner loves you, whether you are pretty enough, successful enough, shapely enough, whether other women look better or would be a better fit for your partner.
Most women's insecurities lies within themselves.
It's in our minds.
There's no such thing as a perfect woman.
Even those 'perfect women' have insecurities of their own.
They overcome those by playing up the things they feel good about.
• Distrust.
Some women like to accuse a man of cheating or having a roving eye.
Sometimes these accusations are well founded.
Innocent until proven guilty should be the rationale in your mind if feelings of distrust are creeping into your mind.
As for the roving eye...
all men look and it's really hard not to.
Women look too but we know how to be discreet about it.
Don't we? • Playing Games.
There are men who realize their woman has jealous tendencies and play on those emotions.
They actually get some type of enjoyment out of the anger and fear that ensues.
It's a pity but these men don't realize they are slowing eating away at the love that should be foremost.
They may also do this to 'control' a woman or in their minds, keep her 'in check.
' It doesn't work.
It's never a good idea to introduce negativity in a relationship because players do get played.
• Men are dogs.
I grew up hearing that and I still hear it.
This phrase builds on the negative.
Not all men are this way.
However, if this is your mindset when it comes to men, release your hold on the canine in your life.
Don't squeeze so tight or let possessiveness make you act in less desirable ways.
If you release the hold, the man usually comes right back.
• Train your partner.
If you are being controlled in the name of jealousy, don't encourage this behavior.
Take your power back and resist being controlled.
This is a good idea early on in a relationship and it's harder to accomplish as time goes on.
Always let your partner know what you will and won't stand for.
Set boundaries.
It's your life too.
Staying in a relationship built on a foundation of power and control is giving up your own personal power.
It may not be worth it.