Dear Mona:

First off I'd like to tell you I love the way you write your articles. They're just as much fun to read as they are informative. But, I'll get to my point. I'm 19 and almost done with my first year of college. I've been out of the closet since I was 14 but I haven't had any sort of relationship in these past five years. Sure, I've met some gay guys but it didn't seem like we ever had much to talk about, much in common, or they just didn't seem like they wanted any interaction, from me anyway.

I'm really tired of going at things alone, talking to friends who really don't fully understand what I go through. There are clubs and such at my college and I go to events and what not but I can't say I've found any that interest me and the last thing I want to do is join a Fraternity. Time and time again I find myself just lusting and having fantasies about men I know can't be gay only to find that the second they open their mouths I figure out they were just physically enticing. I suppose that's another problem, since I haven't really been able to get to know too many guys on a friendly level I usually just lust from afar.

So my real question is this: How in the world do I figure out how to find someone I can connect and communicate with?

Dear CC:

Thanks.

I'm glad that you enjoy reading. Now, let's get down to business before the semester ends.

I want you to get up from your computer, go to the mirror and ask yourself how much effort you're really putting in. Chances are you'll start thinking about the past and how much seemingly wasted time you've put into finding a boyfriend and get frustrated. Now, come back to the computer and read this:

You're not doing enough!

Before you curse and close the browser tab, let me explain the 4-week rule. I didn't make it up. It's actually borrowed from the fitness world.

Every personal trainer or fitness pro knows that a person can work out as hard as they can, but after a certain amount of time their body gets used to the workout and starts to plateau. The person thinks he's still hitting the treadmill hard, but his body has stopped responding. This is why most good trainers mix up their routines every couple of weeks, usually 4, to throw their clients' bodies back into uncomfortable shock, forcing it to give them the results they want.

The same thing happens outside of fitness. We do things that are initially uncomfortable, then rest to recover from the shock. We take a look around as the anxiety lessens. This may happen with a new job, a new social routine, even a new route home.

But then we relax and get comfortable. Our senses dull as they get used to the pattern. We start to lose interest in the fire that initially pushed us to change in the first place. We get bored with the prospects around us. Then, we become unhappy. Why? In most cases it's not because we failed; it's because we never reached our real goal. We plateaued.

The issue with the plateau, however, is it's a pain in the nuggets to get out of. It means you have to make a big change that on a good day is very uncomfortable. I'll tell you, most people stay in situations that aren't ideal because they don't want to go through the transition necessary to get out of it. So, they deal with what's before them and convince themselves that it's just the way things are or how the world is. It's not!

It's normal to get antsy when you haven't gotten to your end goal. It's also normal to get frustrated when you don't reach it right away, especially after all of the work you've put into there. But stopping at your plateau is like a marathon runner turning around after 15 miles.

Your goal is to find a boyfriend that you connect with. What you've decided to do is the dating equivalent of running a marathon. Getting to the end is one of the hardest things you'll do in life and one of the most fulfilling; just like finding a good mate. Why? Because it's a frustrating journey that takes resilience, a lot of pain and many missed opportunities at Dunkin' Donuts and Chicken Shack.

Step Away From The Donut

Use these frustration, pains and setbacks to keep focused on your goal. You already know you've plateaued. Shake things up and do something dramatic. Use small goal setting to push into this change.

You may want to set a goal of asking out 5 guys you think you'd never been interested in over the next month. Or, you can visit one new club each week. Make business cards with a cute saying on them and give them to random guys to start conversation. (Once, a guy came up to me at an event, handed me a card that said "you look cute" on the front, complimented what I was wearing and then introduced himself. Sounds corny, but it was sweet. Turns out he had a boyfriend who was there encouraging him to hand out the cards as a way of getting over his shyness.)

My point is, you already know how to find a guy you connect with: Do what you're currently not doing. Get uncomfortable. Get aggressive toward your goal. Be your own personal dating trainer. Be Jennifer Hudson at a weight loss convention: Become the spokesperson! Turn your goal into a mission, and my friend I assure you there is nothing you won't do to achieve it.

Yours printing business cards,
Mona