All night, all I got from my two companions and supporters for the evening was "wow, you're really not yourself.
Are you okay?" After the hundredth time of saying that I am alright I tried to bounce out of my head but I had already become hyper vigilant to my environment and to the people who surrounded me.
Comfortable in my body, bound and changed through the use of duct tape and props but not with the person who was inhabiting it.
I can only imagine the experience being the opposite for an individual who is transgender, to know the person but not being able to fit in the body.
I have always had a great admiration for the transgender population, I have felt that they have been at the fore front of the attacks from the heterosexual community and for much of our time on this planet they have been misunderstood, ignored, abused, victimized, and treated unkindly.
This has not only been from our straight counterparts but from the gay, lesbian, and bisexual community.
I do think that things are getting better on the LGB side and that we are attempting to include and educate each other; however transgendered people are still abused and harmed on a regular basis from the world in general.
Unlike some of us that chose to be in the closet, we only have to hide our sexuality, but what about when it's your body you are changing and do not fit into? There is no hiding when you know that your body and person/mind don't belong with one another.
Like two puzzle pieces that fit together we take for granted the beautifully choreographed dance of our body and mind merging, but for Trans people there is no dance but a battle.
I think it's ironic that more people do not get it, everyday individuals strugle with body weight and disease and feel that they're bodies have failed them and wished they could change it.
Is this so different or hard to understand that someone may feel that they're body is not rightly shaped and that in order to feel whole it would have to change.
We are consistently being forced to see are selves in a one dimensional view point: you have a vagina so therefore you are a female, hence you need to reproduce and like pink! Well boxes are great for carrying and storing things, but people are far too brilliantly complicated to fit into one box.
Biology is not perfect, and the universe was not created on perfection but the beauty of uniqueness and interconnectedness.
So my mission was to interconnect, get uncomfortable and change.
So here was my experience: the night started with laughs and giggles and at first when I got in the car with a slightly itchy crotch and two lesbians teasing me, I was actually feeling pretty good.
I was even beginning to feel the male part of my personality come up to the surface, like he had been hiding and been remaining quiet all this time in the background.
That feeling lasted all of about 10 minutes, as soon as I walked into the restaurant and the three girls sitting waiting for their table looked at me in disgust, then I felt about two-feet tall.
I was either meet with invisible indifference or questioning dirty looks, and honestly it was not the straight people that really got to me but the unresponsiveness of my LBG community.
I thought that for the first time I would be recognized as a person who is attracted to women, but alas I felt invisible (I might just be that ugly and have not yet surfaced out of denial!) As a Lesbian that is described as femme, which often means "you have that straight look," I have often felt indistinguishable to my community.
I pass as straight and have a child, so therefore I need to Come Out pretty much everyday of my life and am often looked over by my own community.
My friends think this is funny, and yes we have often all laughed at the fact that I am the most open of all of them and yet the most unseen in the lesbian hangouts.
So when I had the courage to change and transform into my Lesbian Transgender self I was saddened to see I felt exposed to the straight world even more to be rejected upon but also that I was still very much unnoticed to Lesbians (maybe I was too cute and really did look too much like a straight guy! I can't win!) It definitely made me appreciate my body than I did before but I also value the discovery of the male side of me and the kindness and shy boy that lives inside my shell.
He is a pretty cute sweet guy and I don't intend to keep him in hiding anymore! Special thanks to Mac for the learning experience and showing me her world, as well to my close and dear friend Ellen for always keeping me smiling and supporting me and my crazy adventures (Holla back girl!) Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru