See Also:
• Best Jon Stewart Quotes
• Best Stephen Colbert Quotes
• Funniest Political Quotes Ever

"The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'" –Lewis Black

"What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?

A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks." –Lewis Black

"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants." –Lewis Black

?"Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem..." –Lewis Black

"Finally, a leader that talks to other countries the way they deserve -- like a bookie from Staten Island." –Lewis Black on Donald Trump

"This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole." –Lewis Black on Donald Trump

"Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'" –Lewis Black

"Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far.

Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel." --Lewis Black on Glenn Beck's complaints that critics of Arizona's immigration law have played the Nazi card

"It's 'Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except there's just one degree, and Kevin Bacon is Hitler. Can I play? Let's see. Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler!" –Lewis Black, on Glenn Beck's frequent use of Nazi analogies

"Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourette's." –Lewis Black

"I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'" –Lewis Black

"Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on." –Lewis Black

"There are people who believe that humans and dinosaurs co-existed, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone-cold-f*ck nuts. I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary." –Lewis Black

"Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. [...] And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me twelve hours before, and He said the reason He was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell." –Lewis Black

"I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of sh*t looking in the mirror at itself." –Lewis Black

Why would I be excited that a Democrat won? Seriously, over the past eight years the Democrats didn't do SH*T! Basically, the last eight years, I feel, the Republicans stood around farting; and the Democrats went 'Ooh, let me smell it.'" –Lewis Black

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