Three Important Tools Needed in your Marriage
Three Important Tools Needed in your Marriage
by Penny Ducharme
Maintaining your marriage is like maintaining your house. No home owner purchases a home and leaves it alone for its lifetime. When you own a home, there seem to be constant repairs and maintenance needing to be done—replacing windows or the roof, repairing the deck, painting, updating fixtures, plumbing issues, and the list goes on. The same is true in our marriages. Once we say "I DO", it should not be left alone for its lifetime.
When you make those necessary repairs on your home, there are certain tools needed. Again, the same is true for your marriage. Keeping up the maintenance on your marriage requires certain tools, as well. Here are three big ones to have in your marriage tool box.
Tool #1: Communication—the wrench
Communication is the number one tool needed to keep your marriage moving forward. One uses a wrench to tighten nuts and bolts and make sure things are secure and in place. Communication is like that in our marriages. It helps tighten the relationship and secures a strong connection.
Communication is a two-way street that involves both parties to be engaged and participating. It should be a safe experience for each spouse, having the freedom to share thoughts, opinions, and ideas without judgment or criticism. Sure, you may have a differing opinion or thought process than your spouse, but is he/she safe to share with you without fear of being shut down?
I remember my dad coming home from work most days and going straight to the bedroom and my mom following close behind. My siblings and I would hear their voices going for a long while. We knew not to bother them at that time because it was their way of letting all the daily stuff out and connecting first thing. I always admired how well my parents talked about everything and communicated so frequently.
Whether it's the details of the day or a deeper issue, it is vital to communicate with your spouse. It does not mean you have to share every thought that comes into your head, but are you sharing as much as you could?
It's also important to keep in mind that how you communicate in public says a lot about your relationship. Your public communication says a lot about how you communicate in private. Have you ever been around a couple who is arguing or cutting each other down? It's very uncomfortable for those who are listening and even more so for the couple involved. There are times when I have felt that way and cringed inside, feeling so bad for the person who is being shut down or mocked.
How is the wrench in your marriage? Is your communication keeping things tight and secure in your relationship?
Assignment:
Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) on the statements below.
_____1. I am hesitant to express my thoughts/feelings with my spouse.
_____2. I listen to my spouse and allow him/her to speak during a discussion.
_____3. I value my spouse's opinion and frequently ask his/her thoughts on a matter.
_____4. I care more about being right than hearing a different perspective.
_____5. I share as much as I can with my spouse and feel comfortable and safe doing so.
_____6. I often interrupt my spouse when he/she is speaking in order to get my point across.
_____7. When we are in public, I treat my spouse with respect and encourage his/her thoughts in a discussion.
_____8. When we are in private, I treat my spouse with respect and encourage him/her to share thoughts and feelings.
_____9. I tend to keep things inside and process on my own rather than bother my spouse with my thoughts/emotions.
_____10. I shut down and withdraw when my spouse and I are arguing or disagreeing.
_____11. When I receive news (good or bad), my spouse is the first person I share it with.
_____12. An overall rating of the communication with my spouse in my opinion is ___________.
The higher the score on questions 2,3,5,7,8,11, and 12 show a stronger communication connection between you and your spouse.
Tool #2: Fun—the paintbrush
Yes, that's right, tool #2 is FUN! We've all heard the jokes about the ‘ball and chain', ‘my old lady', or similar comments. Those phrases don't conjure up images of fun or laughter. In fact, they create images of the opposite happening in a marriage—drudgery and gloom. When I think about a paintbrush, I think of a tool that adds color and fun. Oh sure, not too many people enjoy the actual project of painting a room, but we are always glad after the painting is completed. Paint spruces up a room or a piece of furniture and adds life and color to something that was once dull or chipped. Paint makes a space or an object look brighter and feel new.
So I am proposing that one of the most important tools in your marriage should be fun. The element of fun is one of the first qualities that attracted me to my husband. Although I think I have a decent sense of humor, I am a serious person by nature. I observed Kevin's humor the first time I met him, and it was very attractive to me. He made me laugh then, and he is still making me laugh 12 years later. I believe that laughter and the ability to let loose and let your hair down together can bring you so much closer in your relationship. Life is hard, and we all have enough stress at work and in our families and friendships, so having a partner that you can laugh and have complete fun with is essential.
How often do you and your spouse laugh, let loose, and have real FUN? Why do we hesitate to be silly and goofy with each other? What are we afraid of?
There is so much stress in all of our lives. There are many demands on a couple: raising children, jobs, household duties, financial pressures, church or volunteer activities and commitments, and the list goes on. It's like we all live in a pressure cooker, and if we don't lift the lid and let off steam, we'll explode. You and your spouse need a way to de-stress, relax and take the pressure off.
When was the last time you laughed from the gut? Know what I mean? Laughed until your stomach hurt and tears ran down your cheeks. Remember what that feeling is like? Don't you feel completely relieved after a good laugh like that? What an awesome way to de-stress!
What is a fun memory you and your spouse share---what did it feel like after you experienced that fun event or activity? Those memories should bring a smile to your face. Reflect on those and make a point to experience more of those fun things together.
Assignment:
a.
b.
c.
a.
b.
c.
a.
b.
c .
Tool #3—Service—the trowel
To me, the trowel is the perfect symbol of service. In the building of a house, a trowel is used to spread the mortar so the bricks can be laid. It helps in laying the foundation for the home by spreading the mortar that holds the bricks or blocks in place.
My husband and I have taken several trips to Guatemala, some together and some individually. One of the tasks that we have participated with on several occasions is helping build homes for local families in the various villages we serve. We always take trowels along with us to use as we build. As we worked together using our trowels, we are not only building an actual home, we are securing the foundation in our marriage. Serving together has brought us closer as a couple as we give of our time and talents to others. There is a special bond that happens when you serve with others, especially your spouse. Service helps you get outside of your own selfish world and puts thing in perspective. Due to our service, we have had some very meaningful conversations about others, the world, the grace of God and what's important to us as a family.
In fact, my husband and I met and got to know each other in a serving environment. I was working at an inner-city ministry, and my husband was a volunteer. I was able to observe Kevin as he served and worked with the teens in that ministry. I was able to see a side of him that showed his generous, unselfish nature. As I watched him interact with the teens week after week, my attraction to him grew stronger. Since we've been married we've been able to go on mission trips together in which we have served side by side in another culture. That has been life changing for our relationship as we have shifted our world view and spent time helping others together. It's hard to put into words the feeling it brings individually and as a couple.
You do not have to serve together in another country, but couples should find something they can do that gets them outside of themselves and their own world. It is true as the Bible says that it is more blessed to give than receive, and your marriage will be more blessed as you work and serve together. Serve at a soup kitchen, volunteer at a homeless shelter or nursing home, volunteer at your child's school, work in the church nursery together; the list of opportunities is endless. The point is to find something that you and your spouse can do together. Start talking and pick up the trowel.
Assignment:
by Penny Ducharme
Maintaining your marriage is like maintaining your house. No home owner purchases a home and leaves it alone for its lifetime. When you own a home, there seem to be constant repairs and maintenance needing to be done—replacing windows or the roof, repairing the deck, painting, updating fixtures, plumbing issues, and the list goes on. The same is true in our marriages. Once we say "I DO", it should not be left alone for its lifetime.
When you make those necessary repairs on your home, there are certain tools needed. Again, the same is true for your marriage. Keeping up the maintenance on your marriage requires certain tools, as well. Here are three big ones to have in your marriage tool box.
Tool #1: Communication—the wrench
Communication is the number one tool needed to keep your marriage moving forward. One uses a wrench to tighten nuts and bolts and make sure things are secure and in place. Communication is like that in our marriages. It helps tighten the relationship and secures a strong connection.
Communication is a two-way street that involves both parties to be engaged and participating. It should be a safe experience for each spouse, having the freedom to share thoughts, opinions, and ideas without judgment or criticism. Sure, you may have a differing opinion or thought process than your spouse, but is he/she safe to share with you without fear of being shut down?
I remember my dad coming home from work most days and going straight to the bedroom and my mom following close behind. My siblings and I would hear their voices going for a long while. We knew not to bother them at that time because it was their way of letting all the daily stuff out and connecting first thing. I always admired how well my parents talked about everything and communicated so frequently.
Whether it's the details of the day or a deeper issue, it is vital to communicate with your spouse. It does not mean you have to share every thought that comes into your head, but are you sharing as much as you could?
It's also important to keep in mind that how you communicate in public says a lot about your relationship. Your public communication says a lot about how you communicate in private. Have you ever been around a couple who is arguing or cutting each other down? It's very uncomfortable for those who are listening and even more so for the couple involved. There are times when I have felt that way and cringed inside, feeling so bad for the person who is being shut down or mocked.
How is the wrench in your marriage? Is your communication keeping things tight and secure in your relationship?
Assignment:
Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) on the statements below.
_____1. I am hesitant to express my thoughts/feelings with my spouse.
_____2. I listen to my spouse and allow him/her to speak during a discussion.
_____3. I value my spouse's opinion and frequently ask his/her thoughts on a matter.
_____4. I care more about being right than hearing a different perspective.
_____5. I share as much as I can with my spouse and feel comfortable and safe doing so.
_____6. I often interrupt my spouse when he/she is speaking in order to get my point across.
_____7. When we are in public, I treat my spouse with respect and encourage his/her thoughts in a discussion.
_____8. When we are in private, I treat my spouse with respect and encourage him/her to share thoughts and feelings.
_____9. I tend to keep things inside and process on my own rather than bother my spouse with my thoughts/emotions.
_____10. I shut down and withdraw when my spouse and I are arguing or disagreeing.
_____11. When I receive news (good or bad), my spouse is the first person I share it with.
_____12. An overall rating of the communication with my spouse in my opinion is ___________.
The higher the score on questions 2,3,5,7,8,11, and 12 show a stronger communication connection between you and your spouse.
Tool #2: Fun—the paintbrush
Yes, that's right, tool #2 is FUN! We've all heard the jokes about the ‘ball and chain', ‘my old lady', or similar comments. Those phrases don't conjure up images of fun or laughter. In fact, they create images of the opposite happening in a marriage—drudgery and gloom. When I think about a paintbrush, I think of a tool that adds color and fun. Oh sure, not too many people enjoy the actual project of painting a room, but we are always glad after the painting is completed. Paint spruces up a room or a piece of furniture and adds life and color to something that was once dull or chipped. Paint makes a space or an object look brighter and feel new.
So I am proposing that one of the most important tools in your marriage should be fun. The element of fun is one of the first qualities that attracted me to my husband. Although I think I have a decent sense of humor, I am a serious person by nature. I observed Kevin's humor the first time I met him, and it was very attractive to me. He made me laugh then, and he is still making me laugh 12 years later. I believe that laughter and the ability to let loose and let your hair down together can bring you so much closer in your relationship. Life is hard, and we all have enough stress at work and in our families and friendships, so having a partner that you can laugh and have complete fun with is essential.
How often do you and your spouse laugh, let loose, and have real FUN? Why do we hesitate to be silly and goofy with each other? What are we afraid of?
There is so much stress in all of our lives. There are many demands on a couple: raising children, jobs, household duties, financial pressures, church or volunteer activities and commitments, and the list goes on. It's like we all live in a pressure cooker, and if we don't lift the lid and let off steam, we'll explode. You and your spouse need a way to de-stress, relax and take the pressure off.
When was the last time you laughed from the gut? Know what I mean? Laughed until your stomach hurt and tears ran down your cheeks. Remember what that feeling is like? Don't you feel completely relieved after a good laugh like that? What an awesome way to de-stress!
What is a fun memory you and your spouse share---what did it feel like after you experienced that fun event or activity? Those memories should bring a smile to your face. Reflect on those and make a point to experience more of those fun things together.
Assignment:
- List three of the most fun memories you have with your spouse.
a.
b.
c.
- What are three things you'd like to do for fun with your spouse?
a.
b.
c.
- What are 3 ways you can ‘de-stress' with your spouse on a weekly basis?
a.
b.
c .
Tool #3—Service—the trowel
To me, the trowel is the perfect symbol of service. In the building of a house, a trowel is used to spread the mortar so the bricks can be laid. It helps in laying the foundation for the home by spreading the mortar that holds the bricks or blocks in place.
My husband and I have taken several trips to Guatemala, some together and some individually. One of the tasks that we have participated with on several occasions is helping build homes for local families in the various villages we serve. We always take trowels along with us to use as we build. As we worked together using our trowels, we are not only building an actual home, we are securing the foundation in our marriage. Serving together has brought us closer as a couple as we give of our time and talents to others. There is a special bond that happens when you serve with others, especially your spouse. Service helps you get outside of your own selfish world and puts thing in perspective. Due to our service, we have had some very meaningful conversations about others, the world, the grace of God and what's important to us as a family.
In fact, my husband and I met and got to know each other in a serving environment. I was working at an inner-city ministry, and my husband was a volunteer. I was able to observe Kevin as he served and worked with the teens in that ministry. I was able to see a side of him that showed his generous, unselfish nature. As I watched him interact with the teens week after week, my attraction to him grew stronger. Since we've been married we've been able to go on mission trips together in which we have served side by side in another culture. That has been life changing for our relationship as we have shifted our world view and spent time helping others together. It's hard to put into words the feeling it brings individually and as a couple.
You do not have to serve together in another country, but couples should find something they can do that gets them outside of themselves and their own world. It is true as the Bible says that it is more blessed to give than receive, and your marriage will be more blessed as you work and serve together. Serve at a soup kitchen, volunteer at a homeless shelter or nursing home, volunteer at your child's school, work in the church nursery together; the list of opportunities is endless. The point is to find something that you and your spouse can do together. Start talking and pick up the trowel.
Assignment:
- List 1-2 service projects or outreaches you and your spouse have participated in.
- List 1-2 service projects or outreaches you and your spouse have interest in doing together.
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