What"s All the Fighting About?
Have you ever noticed that as soon as you say, or even think, "My relationship with (spouse, boyfriend etc.
) is going really great!", you end up having the fight of your life? It's happened to me many times; I'm telling a friend how much better my husband and I are communicating and growing...
then wham! That very evening, a tempestuous quarrel registering somewhere near the tsunami category, erupts over dinner.
In the past, stunned, I would try to comprehend what had just happened as I sat crying in my bathroom, mumbling the brilliant sentiment to myself of "huh?".
Is there some relationship monster standing watch over me, I used to wonder, waiting for me to utter that happy sentiment as if that was his cue to come in and slap me silly? Probably not.
A more relevant question I should have been asking myself was: why were we fighting at all? Why couldn't we discuss certain 'taboo' topics without ending up screaming and yelling at one another? I would later come to understand that aside from other things, our lack of communication skills prevented us from being able to hear each other correctly.
We fought over what we thought the other was saying, and our fights played out like a familiar script! Sound familiar? One of the principal tools which brought about a dramatic change in the quality of all my relationships, was the implementation of good boundaries.
A foundational rule to the art of superior communication is our capacity to articulate, to ourselves and others, how and what we're feeling, regardless of whether it's comfortable or well received.
A common example most of us can relate to, is our inability to say no to others.
Sadly, as this becomes part of our character, several damaging consequences can occur.
First, we begin to resent whomever we feel pressured to say yes to, whether out of guilt, intimidation, or an unhealthy need to be approved of, we are unable to assert ourselves and say no.
Secondly, because we know we weren't true to ourselves, feelings of low-self worth and insecurity frequently begin to breed.
Why can't we say no, and how do we fix it? Oftentimes we won't say no, or feel we can't say no to a particular person, due to what is referred to as the 'boundary violator: someone who continues to press, manipulate, convince, plead, threaten, punish etc.
until you relent and give in to their demand.
Regrettably, those of us lacking strong boundaries, often attract boundary violators, which continues to perpetuate this dysfunctional cycle in our lives.
Another common reason we don't say no, which I see over and over again, is due to an ingrained false belief many of us carry around.
This lie demands that we must always have everyone's approval in order to be valuable, successful, and lovable.
If these examples sound like you, don't worry, there is good news for us! We can change, and it's not as hard as we might expect.
One of the easiest, and often a first step I suggest, is to practice saying no to strangers.
The next time your shopping and someone asks you, "would you like to open a charge card and save 10%?", your answer will be, "no thank you".
Aha! You've done it, you've said no and nothing catastrophic occurred.
The cashier didn't break down weeping, nor did she hop over the counter and tackle you.
Your only consequence appears to be your growing belief in your self-efficacy and some overdue self-respect.
The natural progression, as you grow stronger and more assertive, is to begin incorporating this new tool into some of your relationships.
For instance, when Johnny's second grade teacher asks you to drive 7 of his loud obnoxious classmates on a 3 hour ride to their next field trip, instead of readily agreeing, as you would have in the past, the now confident you will gracefully decline without guilt or even a need for an excuse! That's freedom! Using healthy boundaries in all your relationships will help pave the way for a healthier and more loving you.
Giving yourself the power to say no will multiply your joy and self-worth, attracting and fostering healthier and more meaningful relationships.
) is going really great!", you end up having the fight of your life? It's happened to me many times; I'm telling a friend how much better my husband and I are communicating and growing...
then wham! That very evening, a tempestuous quarrel registering somewhere near the tsunami category, erupts over dinner.
In the past, stunned, I would try to comprehend what had just happened as I sat crying in my bathroom, mumbling the brilliant sentiment to myself of "huh?".
Is there some relationship monster standing watch over me, I used to wonder, waiting for me to utter that happy sentiment as if that was his cue to come in and slap me silly? Probably not.
A more relevant question I should have been asking myself was: why were we fighting at all? Why couldn't we discuss certain 'taboo' topics without ending up screaming and yelling at one another? I would later come to understand that aside from other things, our lack of communication skills prevented us from being able to hear each other correctly.
We fought over what we thought the other was saying, and our fights played out like a familiar script! Sound familiar? One of the principal tools which brought about a dramatic change in the quality of all my relationships, was the implementation of good boundaries.
A foundational rule to the art of superior communication is our capacity to articulate, to ourselves and others, how and what we're feeling, regardless of whether it's comfortable or well received.
A common example most of us can relate to, is our inability to say no to others.
Sadly, as this becomes part of our character, several damaging consequences can occur.
First, we begin to resent whomever we feel pressured to say yes to, whether out of guilt, intimidation, or an unhealthy need to be approved of, we are unable to assert ourselves and say no.
Secondly, because we know we weren't true to ourselves, feelings of low-self worth and insecurity frequently begin to breed.
Why can't we say no, and how do we fix it? Oftentimes we won't say no, or feel we can't say no to a particular person, due to what is referred to as the 'boundary violator: someone who continues to press, manipulate, convince, plead, threaten, punish etc.
until you relent and give in to their demand.
Regrettably, those of us lacking strong boundaries, often attract boundary violators, which continues to perpetuate this dysfunctional cycle in our lives.
Another common reason we don't say no, which I see over and over again, is due to an ingrained false belief many of us carry around.
This lie demands that we must always have everyone's approval in order to be valuable, successful, and lovable.
If these examples sound like you, don't worry, there is good news for us! We can change, and it's not as hard as we might expect.
One of the easiest, and often a first step I suggest, is to practice saying no to strangers.
The next time your shopping and someone asks you, "would you like to open a charge card and save 10%?", your answer will be, "no thank you".
Aha! You've done it, you've said no and nothing catastrophic occurred.
The cashier didn't break down weeping, nor did she hop over the counter and tackle you.
Your only consequence appears to be your growing belief in your self-efficacy and some overdue self-respect.
The natural progression, as you grow stronger and more assertive, is to begin incorporating this new tool into some of your relationships.
For instance, when Johnny's second grade teacher asks you to drive 7 of his loud obnoxious classmates on a 3 hour ride to their next field trip, instead of readily agreeing, as you would have in the past, the now confident you will gracefully decline without guilt or even a need for an excuse! That's freedom! Using healthy boundaries in all your relationships will help pave the way for a healthier and more loving you.
Giving yourself the power to say no will multiply your joy and self-worth, attracting and fostering healthier and more meaningful relationships.
Source...