When a marriage breaks up, or when you break up with your baby's mother, and you don't get custody, getting shut out of your child's life is the most heart-breaking thing.
You want to see your child succeed.
You want to support your child in pursuit of education, sports, activities, and maturity.
And it's frustrating as hell when you find out after the fact that you could have seen your child play in a game, or that you could have attended a parent-teacher conference, or seen your kid in a play or concert.
The effect on you is being shut out of your child's life.
The effect on your child is him or her thinking you just don't care, which is the WORST form of abuse a parent can inflict on a child.
How can you make the mother give you the information, and far enough in advance to be useful? One method to achieve this is, when you drawing up the orders that set the visitation schedule (sometimes called a "Parenting Agreement" if you and the mother agree to this), make sure that you look at the section called Exchange Of Information.
Make sure that you have language that requires the Mother to give you information within 24 hours of when SHE received it (or sooner, if she receives it less than 24 hours before the scheduled event).
Too often, these agreements say that the Mother must give the information "within a reasonable time" or maybe does not even place any time limit.
This is just a green light for her to give you the information at the last second, or not at all.
Your child thinks you don't care - the Mother gets to produce a laundry list of events you didn't attend - and the Judge thinks you don't care.
If you are going to court to modify anything - visitation, custody, child support - add a prayer to the court to modify or add a provision that Mother must give you school information, team schedules, and any other information relating to your children, no later than 24 hours after she receives it.
There should be no reason for a Court to refuse this request.
In this day and age, there is no reason a Mother cannot give you information within 24 hours after she receives it.
She can scan and email it, she can fax it, she can copy it and overnight it to you, she can drive it over and drop it off at your home or work.
There is no reason that she cannot do this.
One advantage of having the time relative to when she received it, as opposed to the event itself, is that it respects your position as parent, and informs you at about the same time as the custodial parent is notified.
It also allows you to plan easier, stay informed of possible cancellations or delays in the event, and allows you to contact the event or the person independently of mother.
The disadvantage is proving - in court or to a mediator - the exact time she received information about a event.
This may require you to contact the event organizer or sponsor, or see when your ex would have received the information.
But, if the end result is a finding of contempt against her, it's probably worth it.
You should always be aware of opportunities to impress upon her or upon the Court, that you are the child's parent.
Not the OTHER parent.
Not the "paying support" parent.
You are the child's parent.
You have a right - and a responsibility - to support your child as he or she goes through these life events.
Your ex has a responsibility to keep you informed.
And the Court does not want to take up valuable court time, trying to decide the issue of whether she hand-delivered a note or not.
GEt the Court on YOUR side: ask the Court to help you stay involved in your child's life.