As a family dispute resolution practitioner, I listen to parents discussing the trials and joys of shared parenting after separation or divorce.
I spend many hours mediating with separated parents who are trying hard to get it right for their children.
I would like to share some of their wisdom with you.
What resources do you need to share the care of your children with the other parent? You need certain practical resources, of course - two homes with adequate facilities for your children.
However, I suggest that besides these material requirements, the key to effective shared parenting is being able to communicate clearly about the children.
Communication Good communication is vital to your children's welfare.
There are two major aspects to communication in shared parenting.
The first is communication between both parents, and the second is communication between parents and children (when the children are in your care and when they are in the care of the other parent).
As separated parents, you may have to learn new patterns of communication with each other.
You and the other parent are no longer partners, but you are still parents.
Don't just keep doing what you always did, if communication between you was poor in the past.
To paraphrase Einstein: doing what you always did but expecting it to turn out differently is a pretty good definition of 'crazy'.
Luckily, we don't all have to be Einsteins to change our habits.
One simple and inexpensive change can make a big difference, and can protect your children from the damaging effects of conflict between their parents.
Treat your shared parenting as a business: Use written communication to avoid misunderstandings.
Use emails for longer, more detailed messages.
Text messages are ideal for confirming times and dates agreed verbally, and for advising the other parent if there is a delay in planned activities that involve the children.
Written communication gives each parent a record of what was said or agreed, and helps avoid costly misunderstandings.
It also helps avoid further conflict; stick to business-like communication when your feelings are still raw.
Take a memo, Miss Smith...
A communications book can be useful, to send with the children as they move between two households.
A simple, cheap exercise book works best, rather than a diary, so you don't have to search for the right page -- but remember to date each entry you make.
If the book gets lost, dropped in a puddle or the dog eats it, don't make an issue of it; just buy another cheap exercise book.
If it helps smooth communication, it's a dollar or two well spent! Use the communication book to let the other parent know about school events, play dates, permission notes for school, minor health concerns and any recent or new medication being taken by the children -- the small, daily concerns of parenting.
Perhaps as a couple you delegated this sort of responsibility to one of you.
Now both of you must be mindful of all these issues when you are sharing care of your children.
It doesn't go without saying, so I'll say it: do not write anything abusive or derogatory in the communications book, as your children will either read it themselves or ask someone to read it to them.
You and the kids: This brings us to communication between parents and children.
When the children are in your care, be careful what is said in their hearing.
Children do not like to hear one parent denigrate the other; it hurts them more than it helps you.
Also try to shield your children from hearing your friends or relatives discussing the other parent, unless the conversation is sure to be positive.
When your children are with the other parent, it can be helpful to have an agreed time to contact them by phone.
Older children may find email and text messages more convenient than frequent phone calls.
Be aware that small children often don't want to chat on the phone when they are tired or busy playing.
It doesn't mean they don't love you.
It just means they are small children.
It is not their job to make you feel better -- be upbeat and positive when you talk to them, if you can.
Fake it if necessary, or phone at another time.
Finally, and it cannot be stressed too strongly, do not communicate with the other parent through your children.
There are good reasons for this: children don't like it; they often deliver the wrong message, or forget the message entirely until it's too late, or put a spin on it that you didn't intend.
Worst of all, it exposes children to conflict.
Being the messenger can be a risky business for children.
For clear, business-like communication in shared parenting, if you have something to say to the other parent, follow these 3 top tips: Write it down.
Keep it civil.
Keep a copy.