Dealing with Failed Relationship Guilt
It is obviously no fun to first come to the point of accepting that a long term relationship is not going well and then secondly deciding to break up the relationship. If it was just this that was the problem with most breakups from long term relationship, then that would be more tolerable but the most difficult part of carrying out this exercise is the guilt often associated with deciding to separate from someone you have loved and cared about for a long time.
This feeling of guilt often arises because of the fact that nobody wants to cause harm to someone they have cared so much about and therefore thoughts about what the repercussions of your actions on the person might be starts flooding your mind.
These feelings of not wanting to hurt them, make them cry and heartbroken, considerations of how they would be able to cope without you in their lives, and the feelings of being responsible for him or her, are the causes of the guilt most people feel when breaking up a long term relationship.
These feelings are natural and are indicative of the fact that you care about your partner and considerate towards them. Sadly though, this is where the problem arises as it is quite easy to actually feel guilty about things if we allot it but it is not always that easy to deal with the guilt and ultimately stop feeling guilty altogether. These guilty feelings will remain with you if you are still trying in to mentally right a wrong.
It is true that there are things we could have done and probably not have done that could have helped the relationship survive but you might never know what the outcome of those actions might have been if you had taken them in the course of trying to salvage the relationship in its ailing days. No matter what your presumed failures were in the relationship you should understand that it takes two to make it work and that you can only be responsible for someone else to a point.
What makes this direr from a psychological point of view is the notion that most people hold that when they continue punishing themselves for their past wrongdoings that the punishment proves that they are actually sorry and therefore are good people. The problem in this stern from the fact that most people at this stage become too hard on themselves and feel guilty indefinitely, refusing to allow themselves to be forgiven.
Nonetheless they fail to realise that feeling guilty does absolutely nothing to change what has happened in the past and that there is no benefit derivable from trying to mentally right the wrongs done in a failed relationship. You have to let the "what ifs" and "should haves" be done away with.
Having dealt with the causes of guilt arising from a failed relationship, let us try and consider ways through which we can effectively deal with this enemy, guilt.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with something like a breakup. The best you can do after a failed relationship, is to realise that it takes two people to make a relationship work and if you believe and are convinced that you did your best, then there should be no reason why you should be feeling guilty that much. It is when you are not wholeheartedly convinced that you did your best that this guilt keeps lingering around.
It is also essential that you come to a realisation that you are not perfect and that nobody is. Do not get involved in endless days of self-blame or battering of your self-esteem because you believe you should have known better and acted differently. You are not perfect and that is just life for you. Accept this in its entirety and forgive yourself.
Every relationship has its good and bad times, so try and remember the good from the relationship and what you have learnt from both the good and the bad that might be of help to you in your future relationships.
You should therefore decide to stop punishing yourself for the failed relationship and let go of the guilty feelings. Next you will need to forgive yourself as this is a key factor to your health and happiness. When you do let go of these negative feelings of guilt, your feelings will now be replaced with feelings of peace, contentment and self-worth.
Finally, you should start doing those things that you love doing and that make you feel good about yourself to release some positive energy into your life to kick start your love life again.
As a closing remark, humans are generally afraid of change as change often bring with it uncertainties and fears. Therefore most people prefer to maintain the status quo even when the change might have done them a lot of good. Change can be positive and it can bring newness of life and help us expand our horizons. You should not let the past but the present determine your future.
Consequently, we have to let go of the past and learn to live in the present no matter what we might assume we now know that might have corrected the anomalies in our failed relationships. It is up to you therefore to decide whether you are going to keep living in your guilt or start living your life to its fullest.
This feeling of guilt often arises because of the fact that nobody wants to cause harm to someone they have cared so much about and therefore thoughts about what the repercussions of your actions on the person might be starts flooding your mind.
These feelings of not wanting to hurt them, make them cry and heartbroken, considerations of how they would be able to cope without you in their lives, and the feelings of being responsible for him or her, are the causes of the guilt most people feel when breaking up a long term relationship.
These feelings are natural and are indicative of the fact that you care about your partner and considerate towards them. Sadly though, this is where the problem arises as it is quite easy to actually feel guilty about things if we allot it but it is not always that easy to deal with the guilt and ultimately stop feeling guilty altogether. These guilty feelings will remain with you if you are still trying in to mentally right a wrong.
It is true that there are things we could have done and probably not have done that could have helped the relationship survive but you might never know what the outcome of those actions might have been if you had taken them in the course of trying to salvage the relationship in its ailing days. No matter what your presumed failures were in the relationship you should understand that it takes two to make it work and that you can only be responsible for someone else to a point.
What makes this direr from a psychological point of view is the notion that most people hold that when they continue punishing themselves for their past wrongdoings that the punishment proves that they are actually sorry and therefore are good people. The problem in this stern from the fact that most people at this stage become too hard on themselves and feel guilty indefinitely, refusing to allow themselves to be forgiven.
Nonetheless they fail to realise that feeling guilty does absolutely nothing to change what has happened in the past and that there is no benefit derivable from trying to mentally right the wrongs done in a failed relationship. You have to let the "what ifs" and "should haves" be done away with.
Having dealt with the causes of guilt arising from a failed relationship, let us try and consider ways through which we can effectively deal with this enemy, guilt.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with something like a breakup. The best you can do after a failed relationship, is to realise that it takes two people to make a relationship work and if you believe and are convinced that you did your best, then there should be no reason why you should be feeling guilty that much. It is when you are not wholeheartedly convinced that you did your best that this guilt keeps lingering around.
It is also essential that you come to a realisation that you are not perfect and that nobody is. Do not get involved in endless days of self-blame or battering of your self-esteem because you believe you should have known better and acted differently. You are not perfect and that is just life for you. Accept this in its entirety and forgive yourself.
Every relationship has its good and bad times, so try and remember the good from the relationship and what you have learnt from both the good and the bad that might be of help to you in your future relationships.
You should therefore decide to stop punishing yourself for the failed relationship and let go of the guilty feelings. Next you will need to forgive yourself as this is a key factor to your health and happiness. When you do let go of these negative feelings of guilt, your feelings will now be replaced with feelings of peace, contentment and self-worth.
Finally, you should start doing those things that you love doing and that make you feel good about yourself to release some positive energy into your life to kick start your love life again.
As a closing remark, humans are generally afraid of change as change often bring with it uncertainties and fears. Therefore most people prefer to maintain the status quo even when the change might have done them a lot of good. Change can be positive and it can bring newness of life and help us expand our horizons. You should not let the past but the present determine your future.
Consequently, we have to let go of the past and learn to live in the present no matter what we might assume we now know that might have corrected the anomalies in our failed relationships. It is up to you therefore to decide whether you are going to keep living in your guilt or start living your life to its fullest.
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