If a husband had asked me for this advice a couple of years ago, when I was fresh off of my own husband's affair, I do not think that I could've given honest advice from my heart. I would not have wanted anyone to take my insights and hurt their wives, and, at that time, I probably would not have been sure that men can really and sincerely rehabilitate themselves enough to be trustworthy once again.

However, as I began to share my experiences, I've seen first hand men that are sincerely and desperately sorry about their cheating and who want to do whatever is necessary and genuine to make this up to their wives, and to improve themselves and their marriages so that the lives and their relationships are actually better because of and in spite of these troubles. And, interestingly, these men have some of the same characteristics in common and go about making this in similar ways. So, in the following article, I will discuss some sincere and genuine strategies to help you regain some ground with your wife when you've made what is probably the biggest mistake of your life.

Don't Box Yourself In Initially: In the days and weeks following your wife's learning about the affair, life is probably not going to be all that pleasant. This is most certainly to be expected. Your wife has been dealt a wretched blow and you were the dealer of the same. You really can not take it personally when she lashes out and says things that she may not later mean. Your job is to be patient, humble, and accepting. Do not argue back and say things that she is going to remember and keep flinging back at you later. If you do, you really are creating an situation where you can not win.

Don't give her any information that is going to be very hard for her to forget and overcome. (This does not mean that you are to be dishonest or that you should hide things. If she flat out ask you something, don't lie to her. But, there's always a better way and a worse way to disclose something. Always try to phrase it and portray it in the way that is going to hurt her the least and to allow her to retain her dignity the most.)

Make Sure That You Can Back Up Every Promise And Claim You Make: As I said, the beginning period after the affair comes out into the open is usually very volatile and troubling. There is a very real inclination to promise and say absolutely anything. Be careful about this. Don't tell lies out of desperation. Don't promise her things that you're not absolutely 100% ready and willing to deliver.

The reason for this should be obvious. Every time you make a claim that turns out to be untrue, she trusts you and believes in you less and less. You're already standing on very shaky ground. You can not afford to whittle away at what you no longer have. Always tell her the truth. Always conduct yourself with integrity. Make yourself very accountable and transparent. Don't give her the opportunity to worry about or doubt you. Take her along when you have to be away for anything other than work. Don't hide your cell phone or close out your computer when she walks by. Make sure that she has no reason to wonder if your behavior is suspicious (because she is absolutely going to wonder. )

And, hopefully, it goes without saying that you must completely distance yourself from the woman you cheated with. It's best if you can completely banish her from your life. If you don't, it's like reopening the wound all of the time. Every time your wife has to see or think about the other women, she's hurt and insecure once again. Do not put her in this position. Make sure that you really can put your entire commitment and efforts on her before you ask for her forgiveness and trust. In other words, you must deserve this before you ask. If you know in your heart that you don't, do the work necessary to fix this before you ask.

Support Her In Any And All Ways And Give Her A Workable Plan: Look at it this way. You're wife could be compared to someone who's just holding on for dear life right now. Everything she ever thought was true and dear is now in question. She needs for you to throw her a life raft and provide her with the resources that are going to improve things for her and make this somewhat better. Don't just look at her and wordlessly shrug your shoulders as to how you are going to fix this.

You have to give her something positive and some improvement to look forward to. Before you ask her to believe in you and to forgive you, you first must explain to her how you are going to fix this mess and what you've learned about yourself and your marriage so that she never has to worry about this again. You have to let her know why it's going to be different in the future. She wants to know why in the world she should lay her heart and her trust on the line. And, you must have an answer for her. If you need to get individual or couple counseling, then be willing to do it. If you need to research the dynamics of marital affairs to safeguard yourself from this again, by all means do so. It's my experience that you really only get one chance here. If you make all of these promises but are only reciting insincere words that fall flat and turn out to be untrue, then she will likely not give you another chance.

So, you have to make absolutely sure that she and the marriage is what you want and that you're willing to fight for both of them by doing whatever is necessary and giving her every ounce of support and resourcefulness that you have or can get. Your job right now is to focus on her. Think about what you can do for her and how you can support her. Do not make excuses. Do not question her if she does things to make her feel better (which might seem silly to you.)

Understand that this mess if of your making, but if you can begin to climb out, face your own actions, and make amends, it is entirely possible to emerge even stronger from this. But, in order to do that you must be genuine, sincere, patient, and methodical. There will be days when she won't want to hear what you have to say. But, you just have to hang in there until she realizes that you're sincere and that you're there because you want to be, and that, so long as she'll have you, you're not going anywhere.

I did consider leaving my husband after the affair. He never really said any particular words that made me believe he was sorry or that convinced me to stay. But over time, his actions spoke louder than words. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.