How to think about your child's adolescence in a different way There are libraries full of parenting advice for babies and toddlers.
There are parenting groups, mother and toddler or mother and baby get togethers, art groups, music groups and village halls filled with play sessions for the under 5's.
Brilliant, but what do you do when your child gets older? Whereas you once thought that establishing a sleeping pattern was a huge obstacle, or getting your child to eat vegetables or pee on the toilet, when your child gets bigger, so do the complexity of the issues.
There is no doubt that raising a young life in this day and age is one of the most all-encompassing jobs on earth.
That is probably also how it was meant to be.
Psychologists have pondered often over the question why human beings have such a prolonged childhood in comparison for instance with other species that live on this planet.
Birds get kicked out of the nest even before they have been taught to fly properly, fish fend for themselves from day 1 and mammals will protect their young for a short while before they are on their own in the big wide world.
The exact reason for human's long childhood experience is unclear, whether it is because of the need to prepare youngsters for the complexity of the modern world or whether it is related to the post natal brain development; either way parents sign up for a long-term commitment which naturally comes with all its ups and downs.
Parents embrace the learning curve, but often struggle when their child hits the terrible teens.
They are not really the terrible teens, it is just that as a parent you are no longer per definition in control of things.
You now have a young person in front of you who has an opinion, can speak back and who is highly likely not going to agree with you.
Aside from the adolescent's issues that are going on, it could be this transition that parents need to get used to that can cause some difficulty.
Maybe it helps to think of it in a different way..
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It was the poet Kahil Gibran who in his book the "Prophet" described children as "the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you..
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" (Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet 1923) Perhaps this poem describes the fact that ultimately our children need to become their own people, with their own values and goals.
We can lovingly guide them along the way, but it is imperative we leave enough room for their own identity to grow.
Much research has been done on identity and some of this has focussed on identity formation in adolescence.
Erik Erikson (1902-1994) made a contribution to the field of psychology by his studies on child development and identity.
He saw adolescence as a phase in a young person's life in which the ego identity was to be developed.
Many important decisions needed to be made during this time in a young person's life, but many adolescents struggle to take on adult roles and responsibilities, therefore delaying the process.
During that process youngsters may take the opportunity to try out a wide variety of different identities, subscribing to certain groups and over-identifying with cliques and crowds.
Especially as there is a time period in which to do this before the seriousness of studies, choosing a career and responsibilities are the order of the day (Erikson, 1968).
So your child is not trying to annoy you, deliberately trying to make your life difficult or trying to shock you with yet another hair or clothing idea.
Adolescents are on very tricky territory in between the security of what it was like to be a child on the one hand and the new responsible world of adulthood to which they can't or won't yet subscribe.
This combined with all the biological changes makes for a challenging transition process in which young people may appear to not want or need you, yet still require the stability your home can provide.
Keep communication clear and open and use plenty of positive reinforcement.
Don't stand for rudeness or bad manners but allow a little extra room for your child to manoeuvre within.
Where possible, speak to your youngster like an adult, taking him/her seriously and taking their views and ideas into consideration.
Try and make a little extra special time for him/her and do something that he/she will really enjoy, especially if there has been a lot of tension in the house.
Above all, never ever forget that all the love and goodness you have put into your child will come out and be appreciated, but it may take some time.
Your adolescent will be quite preoccupied with him/herself, but that is a natural process.
You may - just for a moment - remind yourself of your own childhood and how similar or different it was and the journey you have taken to have the understanding you have now.
It is hard to achieve a complete picture until we are parents ourselves.
Until that time, be firm and clear, give space and room for your child to come out with new ideas (however unconventional or however much you disagree) and remind them you love them.
References: Gibran, K.
(1923) The Prophet, published by Penguin Books 1992 Erikson, E.
(1968) Identity, Youth and Crisis, New York, W.
W.
Norton & Co.