Updated March 07, 2014.

For many parents of children with autism, extended family can cause more heartache and frustration than autism itself. Far too many parents, coping with all the complex emotions of an autism diagnosis, also find themselves fending off misguided advice and uniformed judgements from parents, siblings, and in-laws.

Why does this happen so often?  There are really two reasons.

First, extended family members are only human.

They hear about an autism diagnosis and immediately start researching and discussing it. They come up with a huge range of resources, some of which may be helpful but many of which may be absolutely off the mark.  Then, thinking that it will be helpful, they begin sharing what they've learned -- or applying their personal experiences to your situation.  After all, they reason, what could be more helpful to a parent coping with an overwhelming set of circumstances than sage advice from someone who has never met anyone with autism let alone raised a child with an autism spectrum diagnosis?

Second, our culture is biased against people with mental or developmental disabilities or disorders. We have plenty of training in how to accept and include people of different races, genders, religions, and nationalities, and some understanding of how to interact with people who have physical challenges. But we are uncomfortable, fearful, and anxious around people who think or act differently.

So...  what can you do to help your extended family and friends to help you?

  Here are some tips to elicit really positive and helpful responses.

1. Communicate. While there's no need to describe every book you've read, every behavior you child exhibits, or every therapist you've met, you DO need to tell friends and family what autism is, what your child's particular symptoms look like, how you are managing your child's challenges, and what kind of help you need to stay positive, avoid exhaustion, and maintain your financial and personal stability.
2. Avoid Over-Dramatizing.  When you make a point of calling friends and family at the moment of highest stress, you are likely to create the impression that you are constantly on the breaking point because of your child's autism. If that's really the case, of course, you should go ahead and make that call!  But if the reality is that autism is only stressful some of the time, and your child is often a delight to have around, avoid creating the impression that you're on the brink of collapse.
3. Tell People What You Need.  Friends and family want to help.  They're used to knowing just what's needed, and jumping in -- with a casserole, a lift to work, moral support, and so forth.  When your child has been diagnosed with autism, though, it's not obvious what is needed, and you'll need to fill in the gaps.  Do you want help with babysitting?  Do you need a listening, non-judgmental ear?  A shoulder to cry on?  A financial loan?  If you don't tell people, they will make assumptions, and often those assumptions will be incorrect.
4. Help People to Interact with Your Child.  Some adults are intuitively great at interacting with children on the autism spectrum -- but those adults are few and far between.  Many family members will stay at arms length because they simply don't know what to say or do to engage your child. You may need to be very forthright about providing concrete ideas to help the process along.  For example, "Here, Grandma, why don't you pop in this Thomas the Tank Engine video and watch with Joey, so you'll understand what Joey's favorite characters are all about?" or "Hey, sis, Ellen just loves bubbles.  Here's a bubble maker you guys can play with!"
5. Be Clear About Your Limits.  Family and friends, out of the goodness of their hearts, will almost certainly want to bombard you with articles, anecdotes, and advice about autism.  "My neighbor cured her son of autism with this magic elixir -- should I get you a bottle?"  "I heard that autism is caused by cell phones, and you have a cell phone.  Do you think you should get rid of it?" and so forth.  If you have established a therapeutic regimen for your child, and you're happy with your decisions, just say so -- loudly, clearly, and often.  Explain that there are many theories about autism, but you've done your research and you're happy with your child's progress.

Of course, you may find that no matter what you do your mom will still insist that little more discipline and a little less therapy would turn your autistic child into the homecoming king -- and there's not a darned thing you can do to change her.  When that's the case, there are really only two ways to handle the situation.  You can nod and smile, or decide not to pick up the phone.