By Susie and Otto Collins

Sandy really wants her relationship with Will to work. She just can't seem to be able to trust him again after what happened.

Will has always been a very communicative and loving boyfriend to Sandy, until a few months ago. After several weeks of Will not calling her as often as he used to and him being distracted when they were together, Sandy became suspicious.

She worried that Will didn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. She feared that he was cheating.

It turns out that Sandy's suspicions were partly true. Will did not want to lose Sandy. In fact, he still loved her. But, at the same time, one of Will's ex-girlfriends (whom he almost married) started to e-mail and text message with him. Will found himself pulled back toward his ex and was conflicted about what to do.

He tried to keep his renewed communications with his ex-- which were intimate at times-- a secret from Sandy. He rationalized to himself that he wasn't doing anything physical with his ex-girlfriend, so he wasn't actually cheating.

When Sandy discovered a few of the text messages that Will and his ex had exchanged, she was hurt and felt betrayed. Will maintained that he hadn't done anything wrong and told Sandy that he just needed that time to sort out his feelings for his ex.

Sandy and Will both say that they want to stay together. Unfortunately, they both think that the weak trust between them is the other one's fault.

Sandy feels like she's been cheated on-- even if nothing physical happened. Will believes that he showed restraint and that Sandy needs to give him credit for that-- he sees all of this as her problem.

So, who's right? Who is actually responsible for the weak trust and who needs to make changes to rebuild it?

We could spend days and months and years debating questions of blame and fault. Yes, of course, cheating wrecks a relationship. It is a betrayal of trust and it causes serious damage. But, if you can't see beyond cheating-- or beyond whatever it is that your partner did-- you will make little (or no) progress toward rebuilding trust and your relationship.

Instead, try these 3 tips to start moving closer to your mate again...

#1: Identify the habits that weaken trust without getting stuck in the blame game.

It's important to look at what is going on and how you got where you are as you begin to change direction in your relationship.

This is a potentially tricky step, because the tension and conflict between you and your partner can intensify and become so much worse when you play the blame game.

You probably know how this works.

You or your partner notices that trust is weak between you two and then either (or both) of you begin to point fingers of blame at the other one. From there, defensiveness, name-calling and further distance usually result.

It can be helpful to identify patterns that crop up frequently in your relationship. Take an honest look at how you two tend to communicate, what happens when disagreements arise, how often you really connect and focus in on one another and other major aspects of your relationship.

When you review the habits that have developed, it will probably be evident to you where the weaknesses are. Knowing this can help.

#2: Own your role in the disconnecting dynamics.

You can probably easily list off all of the annoying, irritating and downright infuriating things that your partner says and does that also weaken trust between you two. If your partner had an affair or if he or she gets jealous easily, these may be at the top of that list.

Now that you have a better idea of the relationship habits that move you and your partner away from one another, it's time to courageously look at your role.

This is absolutely NOT about you taking the blame for the problems you two are having. This IS about you taking responsibility for your share in the disconnecting dynamics that undermining your relationship.

If you are having a hard time seeing your role, ask your partner to tell you (in as gentle and loving a way as possible) what you do that contributes to his or her jealousy or even the past infidelity.

Yes, of course, your partner needs to step up and be responsible for his or her decision to cheat, spy on you, flirt, lie or even wrongly accuse you. But, you also need to acknowledge your part.

#3: Notice improvements in both your and your partner's behaviors.

After really seeing the habits that you and your mate have-- both individually and as a couple-- that weaken trust, you can begin to make some changes. You can create agreements and re-commit to one another in ways that will help you reverse some of the harmful habits you've developed.

Be sure that you are noticing it when improvements happen. Too often, a couple can become so focused in on their problems-- especially their past problems-- that they don't pause to see that there are some positive changes occurring.

No matter how insignificant they appear to be, don't downplay or ignore the improvements. Build on them and watch trust rebuild.