During my divorce, I struggled desperately with a pervasive, frightening sense of being unmoored and out of control.
I felt whipped around by my ex's actions, my emotions and the events swirling around me.
One minute I was swept away with uncontrollable rage; the next, paralyzed with grief.
I'd lost my center and my direction.
Lost control over my life, my future, my self.
I have found this sense of powerlessness to be a common experience with divorcing individuals.
The process itself is unsettling and life changing.
Toss in erratic emotion and you have a recipe for a disempowering disaster.
But fortunately, I've also witnessed my clients' journeys to regain (or discover) their personal power.
How does this happen? How do you regain your sense of personal power when you feel so out of control? Step One: Recognize you always have choice.
Personal power comes from the recognition that you always have choice.
While you may not have control over the events happening around you, you ALWAYS have a choice in how you respond and what those events will mean for your life.
For example: your husband left you for another woman.
Understandably, this is a very difficult experience; it needs (and deserves) to be mourned appropriately.
But you also can choose what this experience will mean for your life: Will you become angry, bitter, closed off from life? Or will you examine your contribution to the relationship - both the good and the bad? Will you use the experience, or will it use you? It all depends on the choices you make.
That's personal power.
Step Two: Learn to Set Boundaries and say No.
But what if your spouse is a "controlling person"? How do you deal with them on their level? First, ask yourself: Do I want to deal with them on their level? When I look back on this, will I be proud of myself? Can this moment expand me - challenge me to grow in patience, clarity, wisdom, compassion, courage? Second, you need to know that "controlling" doesn't exist.
It's how you've interpreted some specific behavior.
To be effective in setting boundaries, you need to see the behavior, not your interpretations of it.
Does the other person lie? Break promises? Treat you rudely? Have strong opinions? What is the exact behavior you're labeling "controlling"? Then learn to set limits and consequences for that specific behavior.
Step Three: Know what you need, and make requests.
The flip side of saying "no" is asking for what you need.
To do this, you need: clarity about what you want/need, balanced with concern for the other person's needs.
In a divorce, most people only focus on getting THEIR needs met.
But as we all know, that attitude simply sets up the next round of retaliation and win/lose.
It takes wisdom and practice to hold another person's needs equally important AND work towards a win/win.
But it's the only reliable path to getting what you need in the long run.
Step 4: Honor your uniqueness, and contribute it to the world.
Nothing provides a deeper sense of personal power than contributing your self and your gifts to the world.
Most of us were raised to believe it's arrogant to acknowledge our strengths, so we exhibit an over-active "humility" that holds us back.
As a result, our lives lack a sense of purpose and power.
Learn to cultivate your unique gifts, and find ways to make a difference, in small ways, every day.
As Stephen R.
Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says, "Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something.
It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions.
It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones.
" That's a personal power we all can cultivate.