I Married the Wrong Person!
I have heard it so many times! "Why did I married this man or woman?," or "How do I know I married for the right reasons?," or "I don't know what happened to my marriage but I think I married the wrong person!" Really...
"How do you know if you married the right person?" Short answer:You never know! You'll never know! Long answer:You never know! You'll never know! There is no way to know, because when you "fell in love" you didn't think "marriage.
"Understand? "Falling in love" is not difficult.
You look forward to meeting that person, you wait for those telephone calls, you want to be touched, you like their uniqueness in whatever form or shape it comes.
"Falling in love" is simple.
It's spontaneous.
It's passive! You DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING to "fall in love"...
It simply "happens" to you! That's why it's called "falling in love!" "Falling in love" gives you the illusion of passion and fulfillment but in reality it's a very passive form of love! Now, when "marriage" has been on the roll for a few years, the euphoric feelings of love have usually dissipated.
But you see, this is the way all relationships go.
I like to say that all marriages move from ROMANTIC LOVE to MARRIAGE!When "marriage" settles in, the anticipated telephone calls are a bother.
The touching is not always welcome.
The uniqueness of that person now wants to make you scream!Now, you slowly begin to find out that "cute" drives you "bananas" and "handsome" is just too much! The girl that attracted you in the "love" stage is now the "bit**" and the handsome man has turn into a "jerk" or even worse! The profile of each couple is different.
The manifestations of the passage from "love to marriage" may vary.
The number of years may vary.
There may be more or less love in the initial stages and more or less anger, dullness and disappointment in the later stages but all couples go through those stages.
And it is at that critical point, (the passage from love to marriage) when I usually hear a spouse asking the infamous question.
"Is this the same person I married 25 years ago?"or "I surely made a mistake!" And the darkest thoughts begin to lure him/her in the direction of divorce.
If the conflict lingers in the mind for too long and reaches the deeper levels of the emotions the divorce becomes more and more attractive as a way out of a perceived miserable situation.
A dull mood usually develops during this stage.
It begins with a skeptic look at the other partner.
A sense of contempt.
High levels of irritability.
Inability to resolve conflict.
Perhaps you remember your past "love" stage and begin to long for it and fantasize with the idea of having that "love" experienced with someone else.
Affairs happen very often during this stage.
People loose their equilibrium.
Spouses don't only hurt each other but their kids, families and others involved in the affair.
This is when marriages breakdown.
Spouses in an affair usually blame their spouse for their unhappiness and try to justify their behavior by creating exaggerated stories about the other.
But "affairs" don't always happen in the form of "marital infidelity.
"Many times people find extramarital fulfillment in activities outside of marriage such as work, a profession, church, religion, a hobby, a friendship, substance abuse, social life or "traveling for business.
" The key to understanding this dilemma is this: "Love" happens!Marriage does not happen!So, really...
who cares if you married the right person 25 years ago?You will never know! That's why close to 75% of second marriages fail.
Once the love stage disappears in a second marriage (usually very fast) people face the same conflicts and the same issues as before.
Divorce simply creates the illusion of TEMPORARY RELIEF.
You feel better...
for just for a little while.
Then back to real life.
I like to tell the people I coach that "being in love" is like weekends...
Being married is like "Monday"...
Back to real life! THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT IN FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S IN LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH!That's it! Simple! Good, healthy, fit marriages are not made by wishful thinking.
Good marriages have one component that bad marriages don't have...
Love is active the right way...
Good marriages believe that love is a verb!It needs to be conjugated in behalf of the other person! LOVE IS MADE TO HAPPEN by design!Consistently, I have found out that one or both spouses of bad and divorced marriages believe in passive love or practice the wrong kind of love.
If love is not given in the way the other person needs it, it ceases to be love! Love takes time, effort and energy.
Love takes some thinking to make it happen.
Love calls for creative energy.
And more than anything else, love calls for WISDOM.
You must know what to do to make your marriage work.
Marriages in conflict seldom know how to practice good, healthy love.
Either one of them, of both refuse to do what's needed in order to create a new synergy in the relationship.
Very often people are dumbfounded when they find out how simple it is to recreate the love they once felt.
Love is not a mystery.
Love happens under two circumstances: oOnce, when you are physically attracted to that one person you CHOSE as a partner for life.
oSecond, love happens when you make it happen.
There are very specific things you can do to recreate love in your relationship.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe, there are laws for relationships and they are not hard to understand and implement.
Just as the right diet and a workout program makes you physically fit, there is a diet and habits that must be implemented to create a healthy marriage.
No way around it!It's a matter of cause and effect.
Smart marriage partners "make love happen" all the time by learning habits that bring back the feelings of love they once felt passively.
Did you married the right person?You will never know.
Who cares, anyway?You can make your partner the right person by choosing to love actively.
You will be happier and most likely your kids will benefit beyond your wildest imagination! Here are the keys to success when you make that choice: oChoice must be followed by massive ACTION.
Choice without ACTION is empty! ACTION is about doing what's right! LOVING for the sake of the other person not for your own pleasure.
oACTION always precedes understanding.
Don't wait to act until you understand.
You will never understand until you ACT! That's one of the laws of emotional growth.
oUNDERSTANDING will then, lead you into new behaviors.
Once you see what happens when you ACT (Do what's best for the other person) you will UNDERSTAND your partner and that will move you to create new behaviors for the sake of the other person and your own betterment.
oNEW BEHAVIORS will create a new environment.
oA NEW ENVIRONMENT will create NEW FEELINGS.
That's what I call a sense of renewal.
It's often felt as "falling in love" all over again! The "Life Zone" (ADR-Action Driven Results) formula for a healthy marriage is the same we use to coach people who are recovering from divorce and emotional pain.
The keys of emotional, spiritual and relational wellness are the same that improve the fitness of a marriage and help spouses avoid divorce.
Psychotherapy and analytical thinking usually begin with understanding.
We don't believe in that approach.
We believe that change begins with ACTION.
"Action Driven Results" create immediate feedback and positive energy.
The best way to resolve marital conflict and create new love is to ACT in the midst of your marriage, not divorce to understand and get re-married to a better partner.
Instead of asking if you marry the right person, CHOOSE the person you CHOSE to marry as your partner for life and by an act of the will do what's right for yourself, your children and your world around!
"How do you know if you married the right person?" Short answer:You never know! You'll never know! Long answer:You never know! You'll never know! There is no way to know, because when you "fell in love" you didn't think "marriage.
"Understand? "Falling in love" is not difficult.
You look forward to meeting that person, you wait for those telephone calls, you want to be touched, you like their uniqueness in whatever form or shape it comes.
"Falling in love" is simple.
It's spontaneous.
It's passive! You DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING to "fall in love"...
It simply "happens" to you! That's why it's called "falling in love!" "Falling in love" gives you the illusion of passion and fulfillment but in reality it's a very passive form of love! Now, when "marriage" has been on the roll for a few years, the euphoric feelings of love have usually dissipated.
But you see, this is the way all relationships go.
I like to say that all marriages move from ROMANTIC LOVE to MARRIAGE!When "marriage" settles in, the anticipated telephone calls are a bother.
The touching is not always welcome.
The uniqueness of that person now wants to make you scream!Now, you slowly begin to find out that "cute" drives you "bananas" and "handsome" is just too much! The girl that attracted you in the "love" stage is now the "bit**" and the handsome man has turn into a "jerk" or even worse! The profile of each couple is different.
The manifestations of the passage from "love to marriage" may vary.
The number of years may vary.
There may be more or less love in the initial stages and more or less anger, dullness and disappointment in the later stages but all couples go through those stages.
And it is at that critical point, (the passage from love to marriage) when I usually hear a spouse asking the infamous question.
"Is this the same person I married 25 years ago?"or "I surely made a mistake!" And the darkest thoughts begin to lure him/her in the direction of divorce.
If the conflict lingers in the mind for too long and reaches the deeper levels of the emotions the divorce becomes more and more attractive as a way out of a perceived miserable situation.
A dull mood usually develops during this stage.
It begins with a skeptic look at the other partner.
A sense of contempt.
High levels of irritability.
Inability to resolve conflict.
Perhaps you remember your past "love" stage and begin to long for it and fantasize with the idea of having that "love" experienced with someone else.
Affairs happen very often during this stage.
People loose their equilibrium.
Spouses don't only hurt each other but their kids, families and others involved in the affair.
This is when marriages breakdown.
Spouses in an affair usually blame their spouse for their unhappiness and try to justify their behavior by creating exaggerated stories about the other.
But "affairs" don't always happen in the form of "marital infidelity.
"Many times people find extramarital fulfillment in activities outside of marriage such as work, a profession, church, religion, a hobby, a friendship, substance abuse, social life or "traveling for business.
" The key to understanding this dilemma is this: "Love" happens!Marriage does not happen!So, really...
who cares if you married the right person 25 years ago?You will never know! That's why close to 75% of second marriages fail.
Once the love stage disappears in a second marriage (usually very fast) people face the same conflicts and the same issues as before.
Divorce simply creates the illusion of TEMPORARY RELIEF.
You feel better...
for just for a little while.
Then back to real life.
I like to tell the people I coach that "being in love" is like weekends...
Being married is like "Monday"...
Back to real life! THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT IN FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S IN LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH!That's it! Simple! Good, healthy, fit marriages are not made by wishful thinking.
Good marriages have one component that bad marriages don't have...
Love is active the right way...
Good marriages believe that love is a verb!It needs to be conjugated in behalf of the other person! LOVE IS MADE TO HAPPEN by design!Consistently, I have found out that one or both spouses of bad and divorced marriages believe in passive love or practice the wrong kind of love.
If love is not given in the way the other person needs it, it ceases to be love! Love takes time, effort and energy.
Love takes some thinking to make it happen.
Love calls for creative energy.
And more than anything else, love calls for WISDOM.
You must know what to do to make your marriage work.
Marriages in conflict seldom know how to practice good, healthy love.
Either one of them, of both refuse to do what's needed in order to create a new synergy in the relationship.
Very often people are dumbfounded when they find out how simple it is to recreate the love they once felt.
Love is not a mystery.
Love happens under two circumstances: oOnce, when you are physically attracted to that one person you CHOSE as a partner for life.
oSecond, love happens when you make it happen.
There are very specific things you can do to recreate love in your relationship.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe, there are laws for relationships and they are not hard to understand and implement.
Just as the right diet and a workout program makes you physically fit, there is a diet and habits that must be implemented to create a healthy marriage.
No way around it!It's a matter of cause and effect.
Smart marriage partners "make love happen" all the time by learning habits that bring back the feelings of love they once felt passively.
Did you married the right person?You will never know.
Who cares, anyway?You can make your partner the right person by choosing to love actively.
You will be happier and most likely your kids will benefit beyond your wildest imagination! Here are the keys to success when you make that choice: oChoice must be followed by massive ACTION.
Choice without ACTION is empty! ACTION is about doing what's right! LOVING for the sake of the other person not for your own pleasure.
oACTION always precedes understanding.
Don't wait to act until you understand.
You will never understand until you ACT! That's one of the laws of emotional growth.
oUNDERSTANDING will then, lead you into new behaviors.
Once you see what happens when you ACT (Do what's best for the other person) you will UNDERSTAND your partner and that will move you to create new behaviors for the sake of the other person and your own betterment.
oNEW BEHAVIORS will create a new environment.
oA NEW ENVIRONMENT will create NEW FEELINGS.
That's what I call a sense of renewal.
It's often felt as "falling in love" all over again! The "Life Zone" (ADR-Action Driven Results) formula for a healthy marriage is the same we use to coach people who are recovering from divorce and emotional pain.
The keys of emotional, spiritual and relational wellness are the same that improve the fitness of a marriage and help spouses avoid divorce.
Psychotherapy and analytical thinking usually begin with understanding.
We don't believe in that approach.
We believe that change begins with ACTION.
"Action Driven Results" create immediate feedback and positive energy.
The best way to resolve marital conflict and create new love is to ACT in the midst of your marriage, not divorce to understand and get re-married to a better partner.
Instead of asking if you marry the right person, CHOOSE the person you CHOSE to marry as your partner for life and by an act of the will do what's right for yourself, your children and your world around!
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