How to Shut Down Your "I"m Single" Vibe
Whenever I go out with this one girlfriend, men swarm around her. She's pretty, but she's not a supermodel. She is, perhaps, the best flirt I know. And there's just something about her that brings all the boys to the yard (and I don't think it's necessarily the milkshakes). Whatever it is, it always makes me nervous because she, like me, is married with children.
I, on the other hand, don't ever seem to have this effect on men. While the 20-year-old me might have been jealous, the happily married 30-something mom in me is relieved. For years I have thought about why one of us attracts this attention and the other doesn't. I'm no supermodel either, but I don't think I'm so unappealing that no one should consider me attractive.
Well, I think I finally figured it out after talking it over with my sister. We agree that some married people never turn off their "I'm single" vibe. They continue to attract attention from members of the opposite sex or the same sex after they say, "I do," because they are still - unintentionally most of the time - sending out signals to come and get 'em.
As a service to married people who are sending out the wrong message and want to stop (and to their spouses, who often have no clue about the attention they garner when alone), here are the steps to shut down the "I'm single" vibe:
You send people messages without ever saying a word. Consider the movements you make. Do you lean in when talking to people? Do you do the flirty giggle when someone attractive says something funny? Do you touch people as you talk to them? You might not even realize that you're doing it. But hands off. Feel free to be polite but not so inviting. In other words, reserve the come hither stare - not to mention any touching - for your spouse alone.
Communication, of course, isn't only about how you move your body. It's also about the words that come out of your mouth. You might not be saying, "Let's check into a hotel for the night." But you might ask for a phone number or e-mail address. In your head you're justifying it by thinking, "I could network with this person" or "We could carpool because our kids are in the same school." But is that really what you're doing? Even if your intentions are genuinely innocent, what about the other person? Is he or she going to take your request for contact info in the same way?
There are other more subtle messages you might be sending with your speech. Tone can make a big difference. Also, be careful in your compliments. It's fine to tell someone you like his shirt or her smile. But you don't want to overdo it, especially if there's some sort of unspoken spark between you two. Even though you're married, you're human and you can still be attracted to other people.
On the surface, this sounds like a weird bit of advice. But let me explain. You probably wouldn't bat your eyelashes or caress someone's arm during a job interview. Certainly, you put up invisible barriers to block romance or sexual tension (at least to some degree) at work. So, pretend you're at work or seeking that big job. Then, act accordingly when meeting new people or interacting with those you already know. Being professional allows you to maintain grace, be kind and genuine, but nix the flirting or mixed messages.
This one is confusing. Of course, you're married. Presumably, you wear your wedding ring, which announces your status to the world. Even if you don't wear a ring, you can still act married. For starters, you can heed the advice previously stated in this article. Refrain from flirting, be careful about your body language and speech, and act in a more formal manner. Second, you can slip your marital status into the conversation. Make the person understand you are committed to someone else and that you have a family. And kiss that single life good-bye once and for all.
I, on the other hand, don't ever seem to have this effect on men. While the 20-year-old me might have been jealous, the happily married 30-something mom in me is relieved. For years I have thought about why one of us attracts this attention and the other doesn't. I'm no supermodel either, but I don't think I'm so unappealing that no one should consider me attractive.
Well, I think I finally figured it out after talking it over with my sister. We agree that some married people never turn off their "I'm single" vibe. They continue to attract attention from members of the opposite sex or the same sex after they say, "I do," because they are still - unintentionally most of the time - sending out signals to come and get 'em.
As a service to married people who are sending out the wrong message and want to stop (and to their spouses, who often have no clue about the attention they garner when alone), here are the steps to shut down the "I'm single" vibe:
1. Check your body language.
You send people messages without ever saying a word. Consider the movements you make. Do you lean in when talking to people? Do you do the flirty giggle when someone attractive says something funny? Do you touch people as you talk to them? You might not even realize that you're doing it. But hands off. Feel free to be polite but not so inviting. In other words, reserve the come hither stare - not to mention any touching - for your spouse alone.
2. Watch what you say.
Communication, of course, isn't only about how you move your body. It's also about the words that come out of your mouth. You might not be saying, "Let's check into a hotel for the night." But you might ask for a phone number or e-mail address. In your head you're justifying it by thinking, "I could network with this person" or "We could carpool because our kids are in the same school." But is that really what you're doing? Even if your intentions are genuinely innocent, what about the other person? Is he or she going to take your request for contact info in the same way?
There are other more subtle messages you might be sending with your speech. Tone can make a big difference. Also, be careful in your compliments. It's fine to tell someone you like his shirt or her smile. But you don't want to overdo it, especially if there's some sort of unspoken spark between you two. Even though you're married, you're human and you can still be attracted to other people.
3. Be professional.
On the surface, this sounds like a weird bit of advice. But let me explain. You probably wouldn't bat your eyelashes or caress someone's arm during a job interview. Certainly, you put up invisible barriers to block romance or sexual tension (at least to some degree) at work. So, pretend you're at work or seeking that big job. Then, act accordingly when meeting new people or interacting with those you already know. Being professional allows you to maintain grace, be kind and genuine, but nix the flirting or mixed messages.
4. Be married.
This one is confusing. Of course, you're married. Presumably, you wear your wedding ring, which announces your status to the world. Even if you don't wear a ring, you can still act married. For starters, you can heed the advice previously stated in this article. Refrain from flirting, be careful about your body language and speech, and act in a more formal manner. Second, you can slip your marital status into the conversation. Make the person understand you are committed to someone else and that you have a family. And kiss that single life good-bye once and for all.
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