What Does the Bible Say About Marriage?
If people paid more attention to what the Bible says about marriage, there'd be less divorces and more happy people.
Sometimes I think people don't really care about what it says - it's just easier to be angry and just call it quits.
It's even easier when there's a third-party involved.
As humans, I guess we always think new means better, but that's not always the case.
I don't believe God intends for people to stay together and be unhappy the whole time either.
If a marriage is not peaceful, it not good for us and it's not what God has intended.
Two people are not just supposed to hold each other in bondage, e, but there's something wrong when the first solution couples seek is separation and divorce.
Some do a little better and try counseling, but as Dr.
Lee Baucom says in Save Your Christian Marriage, counseling is ineffective because it's too "I & Me" or "Individual-driven" instead of "We & Us" driven.
Until a couple begins to see themselves as "We" they will continue to place their needs above the needs of their spouse and the marriage as a whole.
Most problems develop because we are too focused on ourselves and our own happiness - we rarely think about what our spouse must endure during a typical day.
It's as if we're the only one who has problems and our problems are bigger than anyone else's.
The problem with this way of thinking is that it doesn't allow us to connect and empathize with others.
If we really stopped to think about it, and actually tried to emphasize, we'd realize that most people are really good-natured despite their actions and are doing the best the can at any given moment.
Instead, we often choose to focus on other people's faults - well it's no wonder divorce rates are so high.
So how do we move from being focused on ourselves and what we are or are NOT getting out of the marriage to being focused on developing a closeness that turns "I" and "You" into "We"? To develop a closeness that's bound in love, consider what the bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:4- Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
(NIV) In other words, if you love your spouse, then you'll be more patient with them, you'll be kind to them - you won't envy their accomplishments, you won't boast about yours.
You certainly won't be rude to them and you won't worry all the time about what they can do for you.
This last part is especially important when it comes to sex in marriage - is it all about you and your satisfaction, or do you actually care about whether or not your spouse is happy, too? If you love your spouse, you shouldn't be easily angered and you shouldn't keep track of how many times your spouse stayed out late, or forgot to take out the trash, or bring home the bread, or whatever.
Instead, when you will love your spouse, you'll protect them from hurt - even if you'd be the likely source.
You'd trust them and hope for the best.
So negative comments such as, "he or she will never change," would not be apart of your thinking.
So what should you do if you've been thinking about leaving your marriage? What should you do if your spouse wants to leave? Stop and look at the answer the Bible gives: 1 Corinthian 7:10-16 says: To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.
And a husband must not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.
For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.
Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so.
A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (NIV) This means you won't be the one who will try to end the marriage, instead you'll focus on developing the closeness that may have been lost as a result of too much time away from each other due to work or other reasons; too much time spent watching TV and not enough time spent talking to each other as often as you did before marriage; not enough alone time; or not enough compassion in general.
You'll be the one who'll chose to keep quiet instead of point out every little thing they've ever done wrong.
You'll grant them the same kind of mercy and forgiveness that God grants us everyday.
You'll be the positive change agent in your marriage.
If they're the one that wants to leave, that means you let them go, but peacefully.
Usually when things are handled peacefully, it gives the other person time to think.
Most of the time people are reacting to emotions such as anger and resentment.
When given time to let go of grudges, people come to realize just how much they really love their spouse.
Sometimes letting your spouse go, means they'll return with a renewed appreciation for your life together.
If they decide to return with a zeal to work on the marriage, you should be open to reconciliation and making amends.
What if there's been an affair? Does that mean automatic divorce? When there's an affair - very rarely do people intentionally have an affair because they just want to hurt their spouse.
Affairs happen when one person feels neglected and lonely.
Had circumstances been different, the affair may never have happened.
But an affair doesn't mean a marriage has to end.
Not necessarily.
It depends on whether or not there's sincere remorse, whether or not both parties want to resolve the issues that led to the affair in the first place; whether or not each one chooses to forgive.
But it's not easy and it will be tempting hold on to grudges and resort to bringing up old dirt during arguments.
Avoid doing this at all costs.
You can't forgive and throw dirt at the same time.
Instead turn to what the bible says about marriage and how to treat others in general and apply that to your married life.
Pretty soon you'll see a positive shift and before you know it you'll turn your "I" into "We".
Sometimes I think people don't really care about what it says - it's just easier to be angry and just call it quits.
It's even easier when there's a third-party involved.
As humans, I guess we always think new means better, but that's not always the case.
I don't believe God intends for people to stay together and be unhappy the whole time either.
If a marriage is not peaceful, it not good for us and it's not what God has intended.
Two people are not just supposed to hold each other in bondage, e, but there's something wrong when the first solution couples seek is separation and divorce.
Some do a little better and try counseling, but as Dr.
Lee Baucom says in Save Your Christian Marriage, counseling is ineffective because it's too "I & Me" or "Individual-driven" instead of "We & Us" driven.
Until a couple begins to see themselves as "We" they will continue to place their needs above the needs of their spouse and the marriage as a whole.
Most problems develop because we are too focused on ourselves and our own happiness - we rarely think about what our spouse must endure during a typical day.
It's as if we're the only one who has problems and our problems are bigger than anyone else's.
The problem with this way of thinking is that it doesn't allow us to connect and empathize with others.
If we really stopped to think about it, and actually tried to emphasize, we'd realize that most people are really good-natured despite their actions and are doing the best the can at any given moment.
Instead, we often choose to focus on other people's faults - well it's no wonder divorce rates are so high.
So how do we move from being focused on ourselves and what we are or are NOT getting out of the marriage to being focused on developing a closeness that turns "I" and "You" into "We"? To develop a closeness that's bound in love, consider what the bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:4- Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
(NIV) In other words, if you love your spouse, then you'll be more patient with them, you'll be kind to them - you won't envy their accomplishments, you won't boast about yours.
You certainly won't be rude to them and you won't worry all the time about what they can do for you.
This last part is especially important when it comes to sex in marriage - is it all about you and your satisfaction, or do you actually care about whether or not your spouse is happy, too? If you love your spouse, you shouldn't be easily angered and you shouldn't keep track of how many times your spouse stayed out late, or forgot to take out the trash, or bring home the bread, or whatever.
Instead, when you will love your spouse, you'll protect them from hurt - even if you'd be the likely source.
You'd trust them and hope for the best.
So negative comments such as, "he or she will never change," would not be apart of your thinking.
So what should you do if you've been thinking about leaving your marriage? What should you do if your spouse wants to leave? Stop and look at the answer the Bible gives: 1 Corinthian 7:10-16 says: To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.
And a husband must not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.
For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.
Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so.
A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (NIV) This means you won't be the one who will try to end the marriage, instead you'll focus on developing the closeness that may have been lost as a result of too much time away from each other due to work or other reasons; too much time spent watching TV and not enough time spent talking to each other as often as you did before marriage; not enough alone time; or not enough compassion in general.
You'll be the one who'll chose to keep quiet instead of point out every little thing they've ever done wrong.
You'll grant them the same kind of mercy and forgiveness that God grants us everyday.
You'll be the positive change agent in your marriage.
If they're the one that wants to leave, that means you let them go, but peacefully.
Usually when things are handled peacefully, it gives the other person time to think.
Most of the time people are reacting to emotions such as anger and resentment.
When given time to let go of grudges, people come to realize just how much they really love their spouse.
Sometimes letting your spouse go, means they'll return with a renewed appreciation for your life together.
If they decide to return with a zeal to work on the marriage, you should be open to reconciliation and making amends.
What if there's been an affair? Does that mean automatic divorce? When there's an affair - very rarely do people intentionally have an affair because they just want to hurt their spouse.
Affairs happen when one person feels neglected and lonely.
Had circumstances been different, the affair may never have happened.
But an affair doesn't mean a marriage has to end.
Not necessarily.
It depends on whether or not there's sincere remorse, whether or not both parties want to resolve the issues that led to the affair in the first place; whether or not each one chooses to forgive.
But it's not easy and it will be tempting hold on to grudges and resort to bringing up old dirt during arguments.
Avoid doing this at all costs.
You can't forgive and throw dirt at the same time.
Instead turn to what the bible says about marriage and how to treat others in general and apply that to your married life.
Pretty soon you'll see a positive shift and before you know it you'll turn your "I" into "We".
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