Thinking about separation is a natural thought for people in a relationship.
It starts as early as pre-school.
I see my daughter changing boyfriends on a daily basis.
It is something everyone in a relationship goes through at some point in their life.
The separation that I want to focus on this week, is the separation from a spouse as it seems that many people I am working with are either thinking about it, going through it, or have just separated.
Part of being in a relationship is the fact that it could end.
There are many people in the world that are so fearful of the rejection or devastation of a break up they avoid the beauty of a relationship all together.
The reality is that everything in time will come to an end.
No this isn't dooms day; it is just the law of rhythm.
We all will die one day so why not experience all that life has to offer? Some say because you could get hurt.
Most definitely you will get hurt; it is a part of learning and growing.
Being in a relationship can be scary and yes when things don't feel very good then it is difficult to see the gifts the relationship has given us.
There are four different scenarios which look something like this, death of a spouse (which won't be explored because it is a topic on its own), one person wanting out of the relationship, both people wanting out of the relationship, or both people wanting to stay in the relationship but they just don't know how to make it "better" so they decide to break it off.
Whatever the case is with you there are some questions you can ask yourself to see if it is just a cycle or phase you are going through or if it is something that no longer serves you.
First, examine when the thought of separation started for you.
If it is something that comes and goes then it is time to really analyze why those thoughts continue to pop up in your mind.
Take some time to journal about specific times it was really prevalent for you.
What was going on? Where you extra stressed out? Was there a new baby or a new job? If so, the thought of separation may just be a form of escapism for you.
It is normal and natural to have these times in your life.
Making sure where your feelings are coming from will help you decide if separation is really what you want or if you are just too stressed out.
The second scenario is it may be that your spouse has told you they no longer want to be with you.
It is vital at this time that you understand it is NOT about you.
When someone decides to leave a relationship it is their responsibility to own that.
Now that doesn't mean you don't have to take any responsibility in the matter.
You do, it is time for you to see where you can improve in the next relationship you have (and you will have another one)! You cannot control the thoughts or behaviors of another person.
Trying to understand what their reason behind the separation is will help you discover areas to either improve in or to watch out for in the next relationship.
You certainly don't want the same issue to come up again and again.
Your pain will get easier and you will move on, make sure you create what you want in the next relationship! The third case is when both people want to stay in the relationship but they just don't know what to do to change it for the better so they just end it.
This is one of the most heartbreaking of them all.
It is crucial for you and your partner to talk.
Really get the issues out on the table.
Talk about them and explore ways you can both change in order to create the ideal relationship.
If it is too difficult to talk with one another, journal your thoughts and get a professional to help you with the communication process.
There is hope of growing together if you want.
You have to be willing to find the resources to help you and your partner come to an acceptable arrangement.
Remember, there is no right or wrong answer here.
The important thing is to know what you really want.
If you are being abused, get out now and seek safety with the proper resources.
If you are safe and just thinking about the relationship and where you are with it, take time to make the decision.
Write about it, meditate on it, and if you need further exploration then seek guidance from a neutral outside party, like a coach or a counselor.
Just as a warning, friends and family have their own bias so be careful when discussing it with one of them.
You may be getting their desire mixed up with your own.
How you deal with the outcome of your exploration is the next step.
Always hold yourself high and deal with the other person with integrity and kindness.
Remember you get what you give.
As always, if you want more ideas or feel that you need some help in this area, I would be honored to help.
Just email me and we will get you started on plan!