Difficult relationships take a lot of energy and time and can be very disempowering.
But it is possible to resolve these relationships.
This is especially important if the difficult relationship is with a family member or your boss where leaving the relationship might not be an option.
Consider the case of Sara.
Her mother criticizes almost everything she does.
For as long as Sara can remember, her mother has demanded perfection and has tried to control Sara's life.
Sara is now a mother herself with her own family, but she still feels angry with her mother and feels that her mother does not love her.
Sara had told her mother how she felt about the criticism and that did not change anything.
So Sara stopped talking to her.
She was tired of being upset about it and came to the point where she just wanted to accept her mother as she was.
But how to do that? Difficult relationships are painful.
Whether it is with your mother, spouse, child, co-worker or boss, the pain of separation can be almost unbearable.
The philosopher William James said, "Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it.
That factor is attitude.
" Below is a 5-step method to change your attitude and help resolve your relationship with a person whose behavior is difficult.
Step 1: Commit to change the situation -- even if it means you must change your expectations or beliefs.
Step 2: List the specific behaviors that bother you.
Then list your feelings that come up when those behaviors happen.
For Sara it was her mother's criticism of her.
Also that her mother would change the subject when Sara tried to talk to her about how she felt.
Sara was angry and also sad.
Step 3: Write down what you think the person's behaviors mean.
Consider also what you expect of this person: How should they behave? Sara's expectations of her mother were that she should listen to Sara and be encouraging, not critical.
Sara thought that her mother's criticism of her meant that her mother did not love her.
Step 4: Find a new meaning by imagining that you are the other person and you are behaving the way he or she is behaving.
List 3 other possible meanings for that same behavior.
Sara came up with these other meanings: (1) her mother was afraid for her and was trying, by criticizing, to protect her, (2) her mother wanted to have an easy life and hear only positive things, (3) her mother acted the way that her own mother (Sara's grandmother) had acted and could not help it.
Step 5: Pick one of these other meanings and let yourself believe that this is the true meaning of the behavior.
Notice how different you feel toward the person.
Sara chose to believe that her mother acted the way she did because Sara's grandmother had treated her that way.
Sara decided to believe that her mother could not help the way she was.
This softened Sara's feelings toward her mother and she began to think that maybe her mother did love her; it just did not look the way Sara would like it to.
With difficult relationships, the other person may not ever change their behavior.
However, you can become un-attached to your interpretation of their behavior and be able to let go of the pain it is causing you.
Even when you resolve your relationship in this way, you may still choose to end the relationship.
It will be easier for you to end the relationship if you have first resolved your feelings toward the person.
Then you can end the relationship without blame.
It can be a challenge to make a lasting change, so you might want the help of a friend or a coach.
It is worth it, because the ability to resolve these difficulties empowers you to move in your life with far less resistance.