"One's best friend is oneself.
"-Author Unknown Now that you are divorced or in the process of divorcing, are you afraid of facing the future alone? Or are you fearful of lapsing into extreme loneliness? Would you like to know the secret to a long-term fulfilling companionship? How would you like a partner who will never abandon you until "death do you part?" Really.
Then please allow me to introduce you to your one-and-only true soul mate...
You.
The relationship with yourself is the most important one that you will ever have.
After all, you can never get away from you.
So get to know and learn to love yourself.
Yes.
Love yourself.
Not selfish idolization but a healthy appreciation and respect for who you are when alone, behind closed doors.
"I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.
" --Groucho Marx You've probably heard about the importance of making friends with yourself.
But have you actually taken that forward action? Would it feel awkward? More important, are you afraid of finding that your long-held suspicion is true...
that you are not likable let alone lovable? Are there suppressed feelings of guilt, anger, fear or sadness lurking in the dark recesses of your soul? This is where the Shadow You (the "undesirable" side of you) dwells, devising ways to be heard.
Hiding behind a wall of people and activities is not the solution.
The Shadow You robs your sleep in the silence of night with reminders of past failures, hurtful memories, worries about the future.
The Shadow You wants to be acknowledged and not shunned.
Invite the Shadow You for an appointment during the light of day when you can resolve issues together without the baggage of overwrought emotion or exhaustion.
"Warts and All"--Mom My mother once told me that a true friend loves you warts and all.
I've come to realize the veracity of that statement.
After all, there's only so much that good concealor can hide.
The bump is always visible beneath the makeup.
After all, what would you tell a friend who confided her disappointments or shortfalls? We all make mistakes, right? Be just as gentle and understanding to Shadow You.
All she really wants is to be accepted by you.
Accepting that Shadow You has flaws is the first step to learning that you really do make a great team.
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
"-- Charles Caleb Colton What you put into a person or relationship you get back.
And what you value is given greater care.
What do you value about Shadow You? Make a list of her top traits, and then reframe them.
For instance, if she's fearful, then reframe fear as making cautious decisions; if she's guilty about the past, then reframe guilt as being conscientious not to make the same errors.
You are not in denial about the shortcomings of Shadow You.
A more positive context, however, leads you to pursue better manifestations of these traits.
Pin the list on your mirror or someplace where you will see it every day until the words take root in you.
Soon you will embrace Shadow You and the value she brings to your friendship.
And it will be easier to care for and about her.