I often hear from women who are frustrated because their husband doesn't seem to understand what they need to heal after he cheated and they don't have any idea how to tell him. I often hear comments like "there are so many things that I need for him to do or say to indicate to me that he's sorry for cheating and won't do it again. And then I get frustrated that I'm not seeing or hearing these things. But he says that he can't read my mind. I want to be able to spell out what I want for him but I don't know how. And part of me feels like I shouldn't have to spell it out."

These concerns are very common, but I would tell women in this situation that it's important to move past any reservations. Because often, if you don't define and ask for what you need, you run the risk of not getting it. In the following article, I'll go over some tips for telling him what you need after he cheated and I'll give some sample dialogue.

Be Clear And Calm When You Tell Your Husband What You Need From Him After He Cheated. (And Explain Why You Need It So That It Doesn't Sound Like A Demand): Here's a big issue that I often see play out. The wife finally brings herself to say what is on her mind or in her heart but the husband hears this as a demand or punishment and becomes defensive. After this, both people are upset and feel further away from what they really want.

To avoid this, try to be as calm as possible when you bring this up. You don't want to be reactive. You don't want to blurt something out in the heat of the moment that you may later regret. You want for there to be no question that this request is coming from a genuine and honest place. And, if it's at possible, you may want to offer a short explanation as to why you're asking. This helps to keep your request from sounding like a demand or a punishment. I hear from a lot of men who tell me that they perceive that you're just sort of arbitrarily giving them a laundry list of wishes that they can never really fulfill. But, if you're careful to appear calm and explain how the request will help you (and be very specific about it,) you diminish this risk.

How To Spell Out What You Need From Your Husband After He Cheated: There are likely to be many instances where you'll want to have some variation on this conversation. Issues such as this often come up on the topics of how sorry he is, why he cheated, what he's doing to keep from cheating again, your need for reassurance and affection, and your wish for real rehabilitation. (And these are just some of many possible scenarios.)

Before these conversations come up, you may want to spend some time really thinking about what you want. It's so important to be honest. Many people will see things through the lens of how they "should" feel or of putting on a stiff upper lip when they feel horrible inside. Lying to yourself doesn't do you or anyone else any good. Be as gentle with yourself as you can. This is a difficult situation no matter what yard stick you are using. No matter how strong or determined you are, it's very normal, and understandable, to struggle sometimes.

But one way to help yourself is to be honest about what you want and need. Once you have defined this and are calm, it's time to approach your husband. You might want to preface the conversation by saying something like, "is this a good time to talk about some issues with the cheating that you may be able to help me with?" Starting out this way lets your husband know what's coming and signifies that this is something that you've been thinking about rather than just springing it on him.

When he's receptive, you might want to begin with stressing that you truly are trying your best to deal with the cards you've been dealt. This might sound something like "I want you to know that I really do want to save our marriage and heal. But, I'm still struggling with some issues. Rather than feel angry and resentful, I'd like to share these things with you so that we can work through them together."

The particular thing that you need, why you need it, and what you want it to look like, should come next. As I alluded to, there are many issues, but in this example, I'll use trust. You'd say something like "as much as I'd likely to blindly trust you, I'm struggling with that because I've obviously been betrayed. I've thought about this and I think it would help me if you would come right home after work, check in with me a few times a day, and set aside as much time as possible for us to be together so that it's clear to me that our marriage is your first priority. I think that this might help to keep from worrying about your cheating again. If we're spending more time together and it's obvious that you're focused on me, then that would likely help me gain some ground."

As you can see, the tone of this wasn't accusatory. You're genuinely asking for help and you're being very specific. He doesn't have to read your mind. You've asked him very clearly to come home after work and check in. It's hard for him to mistake what you are asking. The message is very plain and straight forward. This makes it much easier for both of you to understand what is expected and needed. As a result, he's not trying to find his way in the dark and you're not resentful that he's not reading your mind or giving you what you need.

This same idea applies with other issues that have to do with the cheating as well, like his showing his remorse, helping you to understand why the cheating happened, and others.

There was a time when I thought I would never get over my husband's cheating, but this is in the past. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is much higher. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com