Break Up Advice - 6 Steps to Breaking Up With Someone
No matter how much we want to break up with someone, or how long we have been planning it, most of us dread breaking up, and hurting our partner or upsetting them.
You know it's going to be difficult to tell them it's over, no matter what the reason for your decision, but that doesn't mean you want to cause them pain and anguish.
Sadly, most will use clichés rather than honesty which results in confusion, misunderstanding and more pain than needed.
For your sake and theirs, break up with someone the right way.
Step 1: Know Why Before you even start, you need to understand why you want to break up, they will ask this question and any hesitation or confusion could give false hope.
So make sure to write a short list of the reasons for ending the relationship, however, don't show them the list - that would be too painful.
Look at the list and make sure to change any accusations to something more neutral, you don't want to tell them, "I don't find you attractive anymore," but you can say, "I feel the spark has gone from our relationship, we just aren't compatible," the latter will cause a lot less pain.
Step 2: Plan Make sure you plan a time and date when you will break up with them; don't just do it whenever, just to get it over and done with.
You don't want to do it in public, when she is around work mates, or when she is planning for some big day - be it birthdays, Christmas or any party.
You need to make the transition as smooth as possible, and as kind as possible, so plan a day in the near future and don't leave it too long as this is cruel to your partner.
Step 3: Go In Peace Whatever happens, do not tell break up with someone during or after an argument.
While this may seem like a good time, your partner will likely feel there is a chance for reconciliation if the declaration came out during a row; perhaps thinking they were just words said in the heat of the moment, instead of realising the problems run much deeper.
So when the times comes to break up with them, don't start with an argument, although it may end in one, your partner will at least know you are serious.
Step 4: Honesty It is important not to use clichés in your break-up, "it's not you it's me," or "this isn't working out," your partner needs reasons, so muster up the courage and let them know why you are ending it.
They will know you are lying if you use such clichés and will imagine all sorts of terrible reasons or things they did wrong.
Step 5: Don't Accuse Although you are being honest, don't accuse you partner; don't make the break up out to be their fault, even if you feel it is and don't bring up past events, this will end in hurt feelings, promises of change, and eventually a huge row.
Instead, try to keep it neutral - that both of you had parts to play in the break up.
For example, if you are breaking up with them because they are too possessive, don't accuse them of being possessive; instead you could say you don't feel as if you can be completely yourself in this relationship.
You could explain to them that there is a conflict of personalities, and you feel that although you care about them very much, you both need something you can't get from this relationship.
This example keeps all accusatory tones out of the conversation and they it will be harder for them to argue with you, if they aren't getting the message a very honest response simply is, "I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy too, and I'm not, and I respect you too much to pretend I am.
" This isn't something that can be easily argued with, your feelings are yours alone.
Step 6: Don't Argue Back They will likely begin to argue with you, to try and prevent the break up from happening, after all this may have come as a great shock to them, even if it has been happening for a while.
Don't engage in arguments with them, there is no point.
Staying and arguing will simply offer false hope that you can work things out.
Simply don't respond to the row and ensure you have a place to go and leave your partner to think things through, a big screaming match doesn't help anyone, even if they start yelling accusations at you.
However innocent you may see yourself here, you are the guilty party, at least as far as your partner sees, after all you broke it off, so be prepared for the fall out, and then you can learn from your relationship mistakes.
You know it's going to be difficult to tell them it's over, no matter what the reason for your decision, but that doesn't mean you want to cause them pain and anguish.
Sadly, most will use clichés rather than honesty which results in confusion, misunderstanding and more pain than needed.
For your sake and theirs, break up with someone the right way.
Step 1: Know Why Before you even start, you need to understand why you want to break up, they will ask this question and any hesitation or confusion could give false hope.
So make sure to write a short list of the reasons for ending the relationship, however, don't show them the list - that would be too painful.
Look at the list and make sure to change any accusations to something more neutral, you don't want to tell them, "I don't find you attractive anymore," but you can say, "I feel the spark has gone from our relationship, we just aren't compatible," the latter will cause a lot less pain.
Step 2: Plan Make sure you plan a time and date when you will break up with them; don't just do it whenever, just to get it over and done with.
You don't want to do it in public, when she is around work mates, or when she is planning for some big day - be it birthdays, Christmas or any party.
You need to make the transition as smooth as possible, and as kind as possible, so plan a day in the near future and don't leave it too long as this is cruel to your partner.
Step 3: Go In Peace Whatever happens, do not tell break up with someone during or after an argument.
While this may seem like a good time, your partner will likely feel there is a chance for reconciliation if the declaration came out during a row; perhaps thinking they were just words said in the heat of the moment, instead of realising the problems run much deeper.
So when the times comes to break up with them, don't start with an argument, although it may end in one, your partner will at least know you are serious.
Step 4: Honesty It is important not to use clichés in your break-up, "it's not you it's me," or "this isn't working out," your partner needs reasons, so muster up the courage and let them know why you are ending it.
They will know you are lying if you use such clichés and will imagine all sorts of terrible reasons or things they did wrong.
Step 5: Don't Accuse Although you are being honest, don't accuse you partner; don't make the break up out to be their fault, even if you feel it is and don't bring up past events, this will end in hurt feelings, promises of change, and eventually a huge row.
Instead, try to keep it neutral - that both of you had parts to play in the break up.
For example, if you are breaking up with them because they are too possessive, don't accuse them of being possessive; instead you could say you don't feel as if you can be completely yourself in this relationship.
You could explain to them that there is a conflict of personalities, and you feel that although you care about them very much, you both need something you can't get from this relationship.
This example keeps all accusatory tones out of the conversation and they it will be harder for them to argue with you, if they aren't getting the message a very honest response simply is, "I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy too, and I'm not, and I respect you too much to pretend I am.
" This isn't something that can be easily argued with, your feelings are yours alone.
Step 6: Don't Argue Back They will likely begin to argue with you, to try and prevent the break up from happening, after all this may have come as a great shock to them, even if it has been happening for a while.
Don't engage in arguments with them, there is no point.
Staying and arguing will simply offer false hope that you can work things out.
Simply don't respond to the row and ensure you have a place to go and leave your partner to think things through, a big screaming match doesn't help anyone, even if they start yelling accusations at you.
However innocent you may see yourself here, you are the guilty party, at least as far as your partner sees, after all you broke it off, so be prepared for the fall out, and then you can learn from your relationship mistakes.
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